Chemical

Spoiler

-has a weak ending
-the italicized personal pronouns are theoretical, obviously sketch

tiny fragments of bamboo
brass halo rock organ travesty
oh, bade enter sundipped skin
whispering unions in the dark
tendrils of acrid smoke rise to uncloak,
how it was whittled inversely backwards
some windows for a soul, kaleidoscope running
shadows of the jungle sun; ammonia

veiled razor nerve bent heaven bound
forfeit found, these senses fail eclipsed within
laced paper hazed glass between lips
the helix solo forward returning
vision captured in the burning
adoring how a thread-bare world falls apart,
carving a mouth
smoke enthralls my blue-toothed majesty:

glowing embers sizzle on soft skin,
extinguish private planets on the palette of wrist and bones,
painting flares and scars, slow motion suicides
fires that die
treacherous vision captured mars yet poppy stained;
seen heaven and hell eclipsed within
fast-bitten instrumental, cast carving agony
returning, dressed in red storm cavity

Having read your "spoiler" where you criticized the work, let me point out some positive observations. You demonstrate a wide vocabulary and write with a level of detail that adds flavour to your work.

Examples:

glowing embers sizzle on soft skin

and

fast-bitten instrumental

Ultimately, you may be correct in saying it has a "weak ending" but the end is for you to decide and the last line seems okay. Feel free to edit it later though if you choose.

Sincerely,
Elitehusky

From what I can tell, this piece suggests imagery of a ritualistic suicide or human sacrifice. However, a lot of this piece seems like fluff with random words and lines tossed in for good measure. Indeed, a lot of it just seems like purposeful obfuscation with the aim of pretending to mean something while meaning nothing at all.

For example:

how it was whittled inversely backwards
some windows for a soul, kaleidoscope running
shadows of the jungle sun; ammonia

Each line by itself sounds good, but taken together it's a mess. None of the lines relate to one another, and you jump from image to image without dwelling on anything. That is not in and of itself a bad technique, but the words you chose just seem random. It seems like you went with these words simply because it sounded poetic.

Overall, though, I did get a sense of the scene and I assume some of the messy imagery is meant to convey confusion. However, I would suggest going on a metaphor diet.

music, because:

Spoiler

For my bird:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYEDA3JcQqw&ob=av2e
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ErCAOMi5EGM&ob=av3e

you never belonged in a cage.
find your freedom somehow.