Apathy Kills

All around the world, we see its actions.
Transactions take place, but only a fraction are seen to save face.

Distractions take our focus from what's important in life, a man cheats on his wife

Contractions kick in and a new life is begun
People on the run for loving the wrong gender.

Pray for her, send her to church, save her
Have her forgiven in the eyes of the all loving creator

Practice what's been preached you hypocrites, you shouldn't judge them
They were born that way, that's how they were built to function

I'm so sick of it, all the wars being fought, all the hate being taught
I'm sure some of it is unintentional, but have you really learned anything at all?

If you thought rationally you'd see all the tragedies and strategies and try to do something about it

Stop listening to those materialistic artists, you become what you listen to, listen to what you want to become
The voice inside, it's intrinsic, efficient, self-sufficiency comes easily

Put down the remote, put down the beer, put down the instruments that lead to fear, hear the goodness in peoples expression, help others get out of depression, don't go to confession if you're only going to do it again

Better yourself and the world around, can't you see that love surrounds?
Let's all bring down our walls of protection, put away our ideas of perfection, get to know one another honestly, and understand why you don't care if people live in poverty, it's a part of me.
It's a part of you.


Do you want future generations living like this too?
Apathy kills, some are more skilled than others

Apathy skills, would you want anything to hurt your brother or mother? Your sister, your father?

Think about it, how must others feel?
If you were suddenly put into that situation it'd feel like a dream, surreal, but for them it's so real
So, deal? Think about it, how must they feel?

Hey there!

This will just be a quick review, so, bare with me xD

1. You're structure seemed constent at first, but it turned 'blah' later.
2. You're rhymes were very good.
3. You're plot is soooooooo true! I totally agree with it!
4. Title completely suits the poem.
5. Ending makes the perfect ending!
6. I know this review ain't so good, but I'm in a little hurry, so you won't be getting any nitpicks.

So, yes, well done! I really liked it.

Keep writing.
-JT.

Haha, it's ok. I'll appreciate any type of review. Well, thank you very much.

Firstly welcome to YWS! Hopefully you will like it here. If you ever need a review drop me a line.
In kind on kind the mood for critique so here I go.

I like the ideas and meaning of this poem, you really had nice theme running though out. But only qualm about your topic was the title 'Apathy', I have a terrible vocabulary but this doesn't really seem to be about apathy. Yes you have discussed apathy in your poem, 'don't care if people live in poverty' but a lot of this poem, to me anyway is not apathy. You seem to touch on many topics including; Inaction ( which is not the same as apathy), hypocrisy, hate, religion, etc.
Never the less, your the title seems to fit ( which makes my little rant kind of pointless).

To me this poem seems a little too ranty, a little too loaded. Poetry is not just about the feelings and ideas behind it but its a about language, rhythm etc. What language call reveal and suggest not what language can blatantly tell. Remember 'Show not tell'.
Your poem seemed and felt like a angry open letter, I know I'm being harsh but that's how I feel. I write poetry like this and usually its not the best. Your poem needs refining.

Although the loaded language and emotion are all there. There is a lack to structure, you use rhyme but there is no clear pattern. I feel like there is potential but it is potential that was not reached. You used the break between stanzas quite well to create pause and a break in the flow but I feel like you could do more. Some of your lines seem to drag. You hand us question after question, it just feels messy like your yelling at me. Your language is strong and loaded but plain, which can be a very good thing but I personally have a taste for the flowery.

I'm going to do a little fixing, it might end up very bad though... What I am doing us just a suggestion

All around the world, we see its actions.
Transactions take place,
but only a fraction are seen to save face. I'm did this to enhance the pause that was already there.

I like the first bit but the second stanza is a little blocky.

Distractions take our focus
from what's important in life,a man
cheats on his wife I'm sorry, but I don't really know what to do with this. I love the pairing of 'focus in life' and 'cheats on his wife'. I also added a little enjambment to link things together.

Contractions kick in and a new life is begun Grammar?? I'm terrible with grammar but this does not sound right.
People on the run for loving the wrong gender.

Pray for her, send her to church, save her,
have her forgiven in the eyes of the all loving creator. Some people like to have full stops in their poetry, I'm a bit hazy about grammar in poetry, some people are very picky, personally I don't care but I suppose it would be nice to have a grammatically correct poem.

Practice what's been preached, you hypocrites, you shouldn't judge them
They were born that way, that's how they were built to function This stanza is really harsh and ranty.

I'm so sick of it, all the wars being fought, all the hate being taught Just a personal comment, hate is comes both ways. To say someone is spreading hate is, in a way is hate. Not saying that I disagree with you though but people have reasons for everything. Nobody is ever truly evil.
I'm sure some of it is unintentional,
but have you really learned anything at all?Some times your words can be a little ranty.

If you thought rationally you'd see all the tragedies and strategies and try to do something about it.The line is just so long, you could separate it but I don't know how.

Stop listening to those materialistic artists,
you become what you listen to,
listen to what you want to become
The voice inside, it's intrinsic, efficient, self-sufficiency comes easilyNot sure if my editing works.

Put down the remote, put down the beer,
put down the instruments that lead to fear,
hear the goodness in peoples expression,
help others get out of depression,
don't go to confession Nice rhyme.
if you're only going to do it again

Better yourself and the world around, can't you see that love surrounds?
Let's all bring down our walls of protection,
put away our ideas of perfection,
get to know one another, honestly
and understand why you don't care if people live in poverty,
it's a part of me.
It's a part of you.

Do you want future generations living like this too?
Apathy kills, some are more skilled than others I'm not sure if you have messed up 'kills' and 'skills'

Apathy skills, would you want anything to hurt your brother or mother? Your sister, your father?

Think about it, how must others feel?
If you were suddenly put into that situation it'd feel like a dream, surreal, but for them it's so real
So, deal? Some people don't like colloquial language but it goes well here.Think about it, how must they feel?Nice ending.

Sorry about mutating your poem. I see potential in this, just keep on working at it.

Hey Jennya, thank you! I'm glad to be here haha. The only reason I really picked the word apathy is because I feel that sometimes, certain things can happen because of apathy, but not directly from it. I can't really explain.

Anyways, i mostly agree with you. I wrote this is like 10 minutes, because I was inspired by a friend who had written poetry for a contest at school. So basically, this whole thing is just whatever came out of my head, haha. I do agree with what I wrote though.. There just wasn't really any planning. Thanks for the constructive criticism. I'll put it to use.

Hey! This piece had a real great content, and you said alot of true things in a good way. However, I must agree with what Jenna said. This sounds more like your opinion written down plainly than an opinion converted into poetry. The reason, well, I couldn't feel the rythm nor find the "poetry" feeling... not that your supposed to know what I mean with that but... yeah. I like the story and message your trying to tell, I just think, if it's a poem you want, you should try some restructioning. Your rhymes were really good though!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Demoness, I agree with you guys! Like I wrote earlier, I didn't really plan anything, It sort of just came out. My future pieces will be more poetic, I hope. Haha