A Broken Mind

I would love any type of feedback. I know i need it... it's very rough, seeing as i wrote it at 4am
Not sure why I rated it, though... I mean the actualy meaning is sort of ambiguous...


She tells me--No, she yells, letting every frozen tear roll out her mouth.
And she lets them shatter at my feet.

But I still listen when she tells me.


I rip off my smile,
And this time I let the skin bleed.

He hears the blood and the scars.
I pour my
thoughts,
my
feelings
into his
head
And he opens the dams.
"I'm not ok."
"It hurts."
"I'm dissapearing."
"Let me dissapear."
"Why didn't you save me?"
"Go away!"
"Will you miss me when I'm gone?"
"I can't live without you."
"I can't live--I forgot."
"Forget about me."
"I'm so empty, sad."
"I'm fine, see?"
"Help me."
"Please."

Look closely.
See her fractures?
That's what I'm trying to fix.

As she speaks
I take a shard from her shattered eyes
and peer through.
And let me tell you what I saw:

Imagine
A life with skewed vision
and a mind to broken to flip the images right side up.
A withering immune system
That attacks its home,
stabbing sharp thoughts and
thrusting glass memories and hate
into the gut.

I saw destruction.



The pair of eyes infront of me widen
His eyes.
They widen and let me in.

I tuck myself into his eyelashes
And swallow my last tears,
swallow the pomegranate seeds.

one. two. three. four. five. six.
Gulp.

I crawl further into his lids
And let myself fall
asleep
with another

I try to patch up
the spots that had been eaten away.

But bandages only last
Until you peel them off

I steady my stance
as I push open my heavy eyelids
and let the world seep into my head

alone.
i am not in his arms.
i am not fixed.
i am not sane.

I am wrongwrongwrong.
I am silly,
stupid,
hallucinative,
idealistic and,

alone.
My thoughts and imagination ride on tricycles.
I always catch up.

Wow. All I can say is that this is a very powerful poem. Just through your writing style, I can imagine the thought process of someone that's been "broken."

Also, I liked how there was sort of a heroic figure in there, but near the end, it seems to disappear, in my opinion.

All in all, I really enjoyed the poem, and i'll be looking out for more from you.

P.s, It didn't seem rough at all; it was perfect!

I like you unic style of writing and the content of this poem was very powerful! I didn't wear my error-glasses today so all I could see was a whole lot of awesomeness! GREAT! AMAZING! FANTASTIC!

"Imagine
A life with skewed vision
and a mind to broken to flip the images right side up.
A withering immune system
That attacks its home,
stabbing sharp thoughts
and thrusting glass memories and hate
into the gut.

I saw destruction."

I Loved that stanza, and that last line below just made everything even better! Brilliant!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

She tells me--No, she yells, letting every frozen tear roll out her mouth.
And she lets them shatter at my feet.

But I still listen when she tells me.


I rip off my smile,
And this time I let the skin bleed.

He hears the blood and the scars.
I pour my
thoughts,
my
feelings
into his
head
And he opens the dams.
"I'm not ok."
"It hurts."
"I'm dissapearing."
"Let me dissapear."
"Why didn't you save me?"
"Go away!"
"Will you miss me when I'm gone?"
"I can't live without you."
"I can't live--I forgot."
"Forget about me."
"I'm so empty, sad."
"I'm fine, see?"
"Help me."
"Please."

Look closely.
See her fractures?
That's what I'm trying to fix.

As she speaks
I take a shard from her shattered eyes
and peer through.
And let me tell you what I saw:

Imagine
A life with skewed vision
and a mind to broken to flip the images right side up.
A withering immune system
That attacks its home,
stabbing sharp thoughts and
thrusting glass memories and hate
into the gut.

I saw destruction.



The pair of eyes in front of me widen
His eyes.
They widen and let me in.

I tuck myself into his eyelashes
And swallow my last tears,
swallow the pomegranate seeds.

one. two. three. four. five. six.
Gulp.

I crawl further into his lids
And let myself fall
asleep
with another

I try to patch up
the spots that had been eaten away.

But bandages only last
Until you peel them off

I steady my stance
as I push open my heavy eyelids
and let the world seep into my head

alone.
i am not in his arms.
i am not fixed.
i am not sane.

I am wrongwrongwrong.
I am silly,
stupid,
hallucinative,
idealistic and,

alone.
My thoughts and imagination ride on tricycles.
I always catch up.

So, to be honest - you use great imagery and literary devices - but.....I don't really know what this poem is about. Maybe I'm stupid, I probably am, seeing as others got the story/message.
Maybe if you tell me what it was about?

EDIT - Damn! I get it. I guess it takes a while for some poems to make sense.

Of course!
It's about a girl, who's been "broken", she feels sad and lost and is actually supposed to have a bunch of other issues, but I didn't really want to mention them specifically, and she really needs help and she knows this but she still pushes everyone away. And even though she doesn't want help, she still wants someone to care, and finally someone does. It's the perfect person, someone who reacts correctly and cares. But this is like her true decent in to "the underworld" (which is what the swallowing the pomegranate seeds means) because this guy doesn't exist, he's the hero she desperately needs but is only in her head. She wakes up alone, like she always does. It's ACTUALLY about a girl with an eating disorder, but I really didn't want to talk about that, so it's not supposed to be something you know when reading it. It's basically about a girl who needs help, but doesn't quite know whether or not she wants it and ends up having these dreams or delusions about it.
Thanks, though! Haha sorry, that was way longer than it needed to be.

Wow. This was just wow! I wish I could write this good at 4 in the morning. I could feel the words as i read them, they were so powerful i felt like i was in the poem myself. This was truly amazing, i can't find anything wrong with it.

I look forward to reading more from you

The way you wrote this poem, and the mood that you set. It was just amazing reading your poem, really. This poem would be good in a frame, anyway. The imagery and wording is what makes a poem like an image. And this poem was like an image. A beautiful, beautiful image!!