Demon of the sea:Chapter 2

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With music he tricks you, with music so sweet.
Tunes that will lead you astray…
Chapter 2
Valarie and Taylor reached the beach around three in the afternoon. They were ready to go at two, but when they went to tell her father, they got caught.
“You have sunscreen with you, right?”
“Yes, dad.”
“Have you already put some on? It needs ten minutes to seep into your skin, you know.”
“Don’t worry dad, we got it.”
“And no talking to strangers got it?”
“Of course dad.”
“And you’ll be home before dark?”
“Yes dad.”
“We’re having dinner at five.”
“I know dad.”
After ten minutes of that, Valarie felt as if she was going to kill something if she didn’t get out of the house. Finally, thanks to Taylor, they were able to leave.
“Wow, your dads protective.” Taylor laughed.
“He’s always been that way.” Valarie replied with a smile. The sun was high in the sky when they finally reached the beach. The sand was as pale white as Valarie remembered, and only slightly warm to the touch. Even the water seemed warm and inviting, glistening blue waves crashing against the shore with an almost cheerful air. It was the perfect day to go swimming.
Taylor and Valarie found a spot half in the sun, half in the shade, and laid out their towels. Taylor began to spray on sunscreen, but Valarie only put some in the palm of her hands and applied it to her nose and cheeks. She had a dark, olivey skin tone that usually prevented her from getting burned. Taylor on the other hand, got her tan from hours lying outside with tanning lotion. She was naturally pale, so it took her days to get her skin dark.
“Lucky. Even when I pour on sunscreen I get burned somewhere, but you can go with nearly none and get a gorgeous tan at most.” Valarie smiled, pulling her short brown hair into a pony.
“Don’t be jealous.”
“Hey, don’t boss me around. I can be jealous if I want to.” Taylor shimmied out of the jean shorts and tank top she’d worn down here, revealing a red bikini. Valarie looked down, carefully slipping out of her own clothes.
“Oh, look who’s getting sexy!” Taylor cried. Valarie’s cheeks turned bright red.
“I’m not turning anything. I just, I just don’t like one pieces, so this was my other option.” Taylor rolled her eyes.
“You look hot, stop being so shy.”
“I’m always shy Taylor, you just forget sometimes.”
“True, true.” And then Taylor was running across the sand, crying out as she hit the water. “It’s freezing!” she said before being slapped in the back by a wave. She screamed. Valarie burst into laughter.
“Ha! See, that’s karma for you, Taylor!”
“Bull crap!” Taylor screamed in reply.
It was sunset when the girls finally made their way out of the water and up to the house. They’d missed dinner, that was for sure, but Valarie didn’t think her father would mind. Tomorrow was their big ‘family’ dinner, when her father’s other daughter, Amy, returned from a road trip. Valarie rolled her eyes. As if she wanted to meet her. They were hardly sisters, no matter what her father said, and Valarie had a feeling she wouldn’t like Amy.
“You girls missed dinner.” Linette said when they got to the door.
“We’re sorry. We lost track of time.” Taylor replied. Linette nodded.
“I understand, your first day at the beach. But try to be on time tomorrow, okay?” Valarie and Taylor nodded.
“Good. Now, go on and take your showers. There are leftovers in the fridge. All you have to do is take off the plastic wrap and pop them in the microwave.” Linette turned, then stopped.
“Oh, and, I took the liberty of buying you girls some shampoo, soap, and things. I thought you wouldn’t want to use Valarie’s old stuff. I hope you like it.” Linette walked away.
Dang, it was hard to hate her when she was so nice.
Valarie and Taylor filled into their room. They’d agreed on Taylor taking the first shower, then Valarie. Once that was done, they’d grab their dinner and watch a movie before going to bed.
“Wow, nice. Your step mom sure knows how to pick ‘em. She got us some nice stuff.” Taylor said from inside the shower. Valerie chuckled.
“I’m glad it’s fancy enough for you Taylor. I was worried you’d be stuck with store brand. Thank goodness.” There was a bang on the wall, which only made Valarie laugh harder. The water turned off, and a moment later Taylor opened the door, letting out a wave of flowery smelling fog.
“Okay, your turn.” Valarie grabbed her pajamas (made up of a pair of fuzzy blue Eyore pants and a lime green tank top) and walked into the bathroom. The hot water was a relief against her skin, and she instantly relaxed. Valarie loved being in the water, but afterwards she always felt sore. After a couple minutes of just letting the water run over her, Valarie finally popped open the shampoo bottle and scrubbed down her hair. Taylor had been right; Linette had gotten them some fancy name brand Valarie had never heard before. But it smelled good, so Valarie was happy. Once she was done, Valarie wrapped a towel around her and stepped out of the shower, walking over to the mirror. She propped herself against the sink, staring at her reflection. Same cherry brown eyes and red-brown hair. Same heart shaped face and tall, curvy body. Then why did she feel so different? Coming back to this house had brought back so many memories, some good, some bad. She’d been so innocent once, and in many ways that innocence still remained. But some of it was gone, and she could never get it back again. She wished she could go back to the time when she lived in the world of fantasy, when reality was only a whisper in the distance, a forgotten memory. When the world was a fantasy land, and every day a pleasant dream. That was all taken from her when she met the sea man. The hours of sitting with those therapists, telling her that nothing she dreamed was real stripped away all the wonder in the world, leaving her life a bland, dull place. And then her father left, just walked out of the house one afternoon, bags in hand. She could still see her mother, crying as she ran after him, begging him to stay. And then collapsing on their porch, sobbing in despair. Valarie had watched it all from the hallway. Her father had returned, once or twice before they were forced to move. She remembered her mom yelling at him. Telling him that she knew why he had left and that he was going to pay. He had, giving up everything but the house and having to pay his ex-wife a large sum of money in child support. Valarie didn’t care about any of that though. All that mattered was that they had to leave the house she’d lived in all her life. And any chance of ever seeing the sea man again.
Running her fingers through her hair, Valarie took a deep breathe.
That’s all in the past now. It’s time to move on. You’re older and stronger now.
You can do this.
Valarie hurriedly got dressed, then opened the door into her room. Taylor glanced up from the book she had been reading, folding down the edge of her page.
“Took you long enough, let’s eat."
Last edited by FadingBrighter on Fri Aug 05, 2011 5:28 pm, edited 2 times in total.
“Omnia mutantur, nihil interit (everything changes, nothing perishes).”
― Ovid, Metamorphoses




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Is this chapter a bit shorter than the last two? It feels like it.
Anyway, some things:
I forgot to tell you, but I love the lines of poetry that you have at the beginning of each chapter. It gives it a...fairy tale type feeling? I don't know why or if that makes any sense. I'm wondering if it'll all come together to make a longer poem. Out of curiousity, is it an original poem? If so, I like it. I like it a lot.
Dang, it was hard to hate her when she was so nice.

This seems like another thought that should be seperated, but I know you said that it's difficult to do that on this site, so feel free to ignore this.

“Took you long enough, let’s eat.

There should be a closing quotation mark at the end of this.

Great job with the dialogue. I didn't see any problems on this one. And we got more description of Taylor and Valarie! I can definetly see the two of them in my head and you're doing a great job on characterizing them.
There was just a couple of punctuation problems, which, if you want, I can go back later and point out.
Looking forward to the third chapter, which I saw you put up, unfortunatly I don't have time to read it now (my brother is forcing me off the computer). But! Tomorrow, I shall read and critique it!
Again, great job :D




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Ahhh!!!!! I am in love with your story. You might see me "reviewing" in basically all your peices of work. I love your dialogue. What I think you should've done was describe the girls' day at the beach a little more. Like what did the beach look like(even though most of us already know ) and what kind of people were there and whatnot. A lot of people when reading imagine what their reading in their head. So the bigger the picture in the head means the author is going all-out in the description making them want to read it even more. Other than that....awesome!!!
True confidence leaves no room for jealousy. When you know your are great, you have no need to hate.
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"I never expected that I should be a queen so soon."
— Alice's Adventures in Wonderland