Demon of the sea:Prologue

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He sits in the stream, and is playing his tunes
As beautiful as can be
But don’t stay and listen, run fast as you can
Or forever lost you will be, to the man who lives in the sea!

Prologue
Valarie woke with a start, as she had every night for as long as she could remember. It was the music. It drifted through her window at night, filling the silence with its haunting tune. She knew it well, she could repeat every note as easily as she could repeat twinkle twinkle little star.
“Mommy, Daddy?” Valarie called into the darkness, glancing around the dimly lit room for her parents familiar faces. But they were still asleep. They normally were. She had to go into their room to wake them up. But not tonight. Tonight, she would face her fears. Tonight, she would be brave.
The violin notes continued to play as Valarie tugged on her bunny slippers and left the safety of her room, walking out into the night. The moon shone brightly above, leading her way down the stone pathway to the beach. The night sky was like a painted canvas, splattered with gobs of white paint. Even the sea was dark, its black waters reflecting the light of the glistening stars. A breeze ruffled Valarie’s short dark hair, icy against the bare skin on her arms. She crossed them over her chest, teeth chattering, and tugged at the puffy sleeves of her Disney princess nightgown. It was a warm night, but the breeze was chilly.
The music grew louder, and Valarie found herself humming along. She was growing less and less fearful, and more excited. Maybe the music was coming from a group of fairies, who would give her candy and small gifts. Or it could be a mermaid party, and they would grant her a wish. Valarie picked up her pace, skipping down to the edge of the path. Then she stopped, starring at the sand only inches from her bunny slippers pink button nose. Her parents had told her never to go to the beach at night. But looking out at the empty space before her, Valarie didn’t know why. What could hurt her here?
Without another thought, Valarie threw off her slippers and ran to the edge of the icy water; giggling as it brushed against her toes and carried away the glittery sand. The music was louder here, and Valarie began to dance to it, spinning around and around as her skirt formed a halo around her. Her laughter mixed with the music, sounding like silver bells against the soft crashing of the waves.
“What’s a little one like you doing out here at night?” a voice asked. Valarie stopped dancing, turning to face the stranger. He stood in the water, half his body hidden beneath its depths.
“I wanted to know where the music came from.”
“Music?”
“Yes, the music that’s been playing here every night,” she hummed part of the tune for him, and the man’s smile grew. “I can hear it through my window.”
“Ah, then, you must be a very brave girl for coming out here,” he said softly. Valarie smiled, puffing out her chest like the boys at school.
“Yep.” she said proudly. Then she paused, looking the stranger up and down. “Are you a fairy?” she asked. The man chuckled. He was big, almost as big as Valarie’s daddy; with hair like the sand and big blue eyes. Valarie liked his eyes. They reminded her of the days when she’d lay outside with her mommy, staring up at the sky. He had eyes like those sunny days, the same magnificent blue.
“No.”
“Then, are you a mermaid?”
“No.” Valarie, sighed, not knowing what else what to guess.
“Then what are you?”
“That, I cannot tell you. Now, who may you be, my little one?”
“Valarie.”
“Valarie.” He said, savoring her name as if it were a peppermint candy.” I have a gift for you, Valarie.” The man pulled something shiny from his coat pocket, holding it out to her. It was a silver bracelet with charms carved from sea shells. They were in all sorts of shapes, and the smooth, iridescent opal side of the shell glimmered softly in the moonlight. Valarie squealed with delight, gently picking it up.
“For, me?” The strange man chuckled again.
“Only for you. It will keep you safe until you’re ready.”
“Ready for what?” Valarie asked, looking up into the strangers eyes. She was confused, he talked weird. But she decided that she liked him, with his pretty eyes and pretty gifts.
“Not now, little one. You must be getting home. The sun will soon rise.” Valarie huffed.
“But I don’t want to go yet!” she whined. The man smiled a secret smile that seemed as if it didn’t get seen very often.
“Go, my little Valarie. And remember me.” Valarie turned, then stopped; glancing back, she smiled at the strange man.
“Thank you. And listen for the music, its pretty.” And then she went back to the path, hurrying back up to her house.
Once she was back in her room, Valarie couldn’t get her mind off the man in the water. Her fingers kept finding their way back to the charm bracelet, fingering the smooth shells that hung there.
Go, my little Valarie. And remember me.
I’ll remember you, sea man. I won’t forget.
“Omnia mutantur, nihil interit (everything changes, nothing perishes).”
― Ovid, Metamorphoses




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Wow! I will definitely be reading more of this! Very interesting and mysterious.
Here's some of the things I saw:
The violin notes continued to play as Valarie tugged on her bunny slippers and left the safety of her room, walking out into the night. The moon shone brightly above, leading her way down the stone pathway to the beach. The night sky was like a painted canvas, splattered with gobs of white paint. Even the sea was dark, its black waters reflecting the light of the glistening stars. A breeze ruffled Valarie’s short dark hair, icy against the bare skin on her arms. She crossed them over her chest, teeth chattering, and tugged at the puffy sleeves of her Disney princess nightgown. It was a warm night, but the breeze was chilly.

This paragraph is incredibly visual! You're very good with imagery. It was hard to pick which paragraph to quote for this because you have so many examples of beautiful imagery.

“No.”
“Then, are you a mermaid?”
“No.” Valarie, sighed, not knowing what else what to guess.
“Then what are you?”
“That, I cannot tell you. Now, who may you be, my little one?”
“Valarie.”

There's just a few dialogue problems which can be easily fixed. Sometimes when Valarie and the man are talking, it's difficult to tell who is speaking. In this example, When the man says "no" and you say that Valarie sighs immediatly after, it sounded as if Valerie sighed and said no.

The man pulled something shiny from his coat pocket, holding it out to her. It was a silver bracelet with charms carved from sea shells. They were in all sorts of shapes, and the smooth, iridescent opal side of the shell glimmered softly in the moonlight. Valarie squealed with delight, gently picking it up.
“For, me?” The strange man chuckled again.

This is also a small thing. You say that he held the bracelet out to her, but then you say she picked it up. When I read that, I thought she was picking it up off the ground. Maybe you could say that she took it from him?

Otherwise, this story is great! I really hope I was helpful. Since this is my first review, I wasn't exactly sure what I should say.
I think I saw another chapter of this story up somewhere, so I'm going to go check that out. I love this story! Thank you for writing it!




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I think you could improve your intro a little I'm sure you could come up with some good descriptive words and analogies that would suit you I don't really want to suggest anything you could replace exactly because I feel like that limits you to what I say maybe go back and think about it

"“Mommy, Daddy?” Valarie called into the darkness, glancing around the dimly lit room for her parents familiar faces. But they were still asleep. They normally were. She had to go into their room to wake them up. But not tonight. Tonight, she would face her fears. Tonight, she would be brave. "

This section confused me a bit by the speech of Valarie I thought she was a young girl no older than 9 but when you said "But not tonight. Tonight, she would face her fears. Tonight, she would be brave." It sounded older and much more mature than a nine year old so if you could make it more clear as to the age of your character before that it could help really all it would take is something as simple as (i.e. "Jack awoke in his bed, the same bed he had been in for the past 15 years, after the nasty dreams that had been haunting him ever since he had a welcome dinner with his new odd neighbors from the west." but each writer has there own style and each character there own Unique aspects possibly you meant to make Valarie appear much more mature than her age that's just what I thought would help
Shinrai (Japanese) means reliance, faith, trust, and confidence which are things that I hold value in and I strive to be reliable, faithful to God and the people I'm around, trustworthy, and confident so if you were wondering what my name means I hope this explains everything




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Well everything has already been said but so far....I'm really interested in what's going to happen next. I actually read your first chapter before I read the prologue which is a bad idea because due to the few books I have read...prologues seem to be essential to novels so good choice of making this as a prologue. XD. Can't wait to see what happens next.Keep writing.
True confidence leaves no room for jealousy. When you know your are great, you have no need to hate.
-Nicki Minaj



Everything is a lot of things!
— Hank Green