My Cookie

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2220
Reviews 15
It was gone.

I wanted it, but it wasn’t there. I stared at the space it should have been, my eyes unfocused. My fingers twitched, making murderous shapes.
Someone had taken my cookie.
My special cookie. The cookie my first grade teacher made for me, and wrote my name on top with curly, red icing.

I was going to kill George.

George. Mommy’s favorite. Everybody’s favorite. Older. Faster. Smarter. No one cared about me. No one cared that I was smart too. No one cared that I could read better, or that I could climb high things, or jump into lakes without any fear. No one cared.

But they’d care if I killed George. Everyone would care about me.

Because, everybody was wrong about George. He was mean. He called me names, told me I didn’t belong, told me I wasn’t wanted.

Now he’d taken my cookie. My special, important, one and only cookie. With my name on it. My eyes narrowed and my fists clenched. I’d rip open his stomach and get it back. He'd already stuffed his fat face with sweets. I hadn't gotten any because they were bad for little girls.

It was a Saturday, and George usually went out with his fat little friends on Saturdays. They went to the park, then the ice cream shop, then came home. He gets ice cream and my cookie. I growled.

It was an easy walk to the park, but today, everything annoyed me. The birds. The sunshine on my pale skin. The old ladies saying, “Such a sweet little girl!”

I was not sweet. I was not little. I was going to kill my stepbrother. Let them call me cute after that.

I followed the sound of laughing boys down the street. It was quiet. Peaceful. A small town. A playground. George and his friends were in the second grade. They liked the playground. I was in the first grade and far too young to be allowed on the slides. I was too grown up for that kind of thing anyway. I was a big girl.

“Gorgie?” I called out to him. He looked like me. Pale skin, red hair, but we both knew it was only mommy’s red hair coming out. We both knew we were nothing alike.

“What up b-” and he added a word that mommy wouldn’t like it if he knew. I grinned. I had another reason to kill him now. I walked up to him- a full head shorter. Everyone was taller then me. It wasn’t fair-but it didn't matter now. My fingernails dug into my palms as I looked at George. He had red icing on his lip. My cookie. I wanted to put more red on his fat lips. I wanted to rip them off and go fishing with them. Maybe I would.

“Georgie?” I said again, sweetly, smiling. “You took my cookie.”

"So? I wanted it. Get out of here you c-" and he used another word mommy said I must never use.

And then I lept on him, fingernails and teeth ready.

His friends watched, wide-eyed, unsure of what to do. George laughed when I took him down- a laugh that changed to screams as I started clawing out his eyeballs. I giggled manically as my fingernails burst one of them. His friends began screaming. Trying to pull me off. I kicked and bit, focused on one goal and one goal only.

I wanted my revenge.

I wanted my cookie.

There went his other eye.
Attachments
evil_child.jpg
There's no fire, but her face is perfect.
evil_child.jpg (69.15 KiB) Viewed 135 times
Last edited by RebelAngel on Wed Aug 03, 2011 5:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.
When you're mine, I'll protect you from everything.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 444
Reviews 120
This may sound so strange, but that's one subject that I find really interesting to read about... Psychopathic children. o_O
I just wrote something like this but it... it's not as good :)
What I would suggest: I know that it adds to the creepy 'humour' of this piece, and I like this just the way it is; but I think that you maybe could have written about something more precious to her than a cookie. This is convincing, but I just don't think that even the worst of these children would get so psychotic about a cookie...
Unless they've got some deeper anger inside of them, which maybe you could have described a little more of.

But I seriously love everything about this. It explains so much. These children are naive and you express how they think, and how they feel.

Sorry but... I'm not so great at reviewing. However, this is just so awesome in my eyes that I really wanted to say something.
Keep on writing :)
I want to play a game.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5391
Reviews 114
Hey,
I LOVED this!! It was creepy, gave me the chills, but very well written. I didn't see anything wrong with it at all. You have great talent!! Keep it up :)
We're all a little weird. And life's a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1820
Reviews 23
Aaargh, so creepy, but I was compelled to keep reading!

The cookie my first grade teacher made for me, and wrote my name on top of with curly, red icing.

That's just a tiiiiny suggestion, but I might be wrong there, so, take it with a grain of salt.

But they’d care if I killed George. Everyone would care about me.

Ahhh, so chilling, the way she reasons it out. It's fascinating.

The sunshine on my pale skin.

Again, with a grain of salt, but... I'd take out the "pale" part. If I'm a little girl walking down the street, and the sun is hitting my skin, I'm more focused on the act and the sun than on my own skin's shade. As myself, if I get bitten by a dog, I'm not going to think, "Oh, the dog bit my pale arm!" I'm going to think, "That dog bit my arm!" But hey, I dunno.

I followed the sound of laughing boys down the street. It was quiet. Peaceful. A small town. A playground. George and his friends were in the second grade. They liked the playground.

I like this. It really sounds like a little girl.

“What up b-” and he added a word that mommy wouldn’t like it if he knew.

Do you mean, "and he added a word that mommy wouldn't like if she knew"? In any case, I think the "it" is superfluous. Also, generally, when you say "Mommy" instead of "my mommy", the Mommy is capitalized. Like, the Palace vs. a palace, sorta thing.

"So? I wanted it. Get out of here you c-"

I'd put a comma after "here."

The ending was so creepy, omg. ; A; /shivers

Overall, a very nice piece!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1022
Reviews 26
Oh My Gosh!!!!!! Phycopathathic children stories!!! It has been sooooooo long since i have seen one of those!!!! (3 months,but feels like 3 years)! You have talent!!!! You have just earned your story a like and #1 story I read all day!!!! Keep up the good work!!!!!!!
" The little girl ran into the angel’s arms and into heaven, while I flew to hell."-by EvensLily
a spactacular YWS writer!



It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.
— Voltaire