Unforgiving

It seems there is no escaping,
from the tenacity of my being.
That caught me from child's grasp,
to wake from dreaming with a gasp.
I know who I am;
I see clearly,
everything before me.
And haunting memories hang over your head,
and I am unforgiving.
But 'tis a wonderful dream,
to sit quietly underneath the melancholy of my being.
And watch from afar the actions of pretending.
That I could ever learn how to love,
your unspoken guilt.
And try to understand exactly how
you felt.
When you hurt and broke everything I had to give,
and now I know you.
That broken smile you pieced back together in time,
that ignorance that I once claimed was mine.
Has been lifted,
and since been replaced.
With your bruised and cracked face,
and I am unforgiving.

Hmmm. The tone of the poem is mysterious. I am not sure if i liked it, but then again, it is not my style

Hi again, Aenvgiel--

I'm not sure this poem is working. Somebody is sure to say that the poem is reportage, but that does not bother me. What the poet reports here seems the objective correlative for her unstated experience. You should make sure that the details are not watered down by cliche. e.g "there is no escaping," "tenacity of my being," "the broken smile," etc. For this poem to be completely effective, each detail must be pure and concrete. The reader must feel the sickness by observing the symptoms.

I don't think your line breaks are helping you much here, either. The short two-word lines matched with the sentence-ish lines has been used over and over to emphasize points, and, as a consequence of that, it is an ineffective technique.

No doubt you really felt this poem, and wanted to communicate a sense of loathing and hung-over misery. But what you've written here reads like beginner's work. Nothing wrong with that. We were all beginners once. Problem is, a lot of people on YWS are beginners (I don't exclude myself from this, either), and, given the age group, I don't know how plausible exceptional development is for you. What poets are you reading these days? I

And I often suggest that folks starting out--or folks with some experience who want a fresh take on the basics--read Ted Kooser's book, The Poetry Home Repair Manual. It'll tell you better than I could how to keep your poetry alive while moving it past the obvious newbie mistakes.

Brad

Thank you, and you are right this is one of the first poems I wrote back in 1997. So I guess it is a beginner poem, I do have a habit as taking them as they are, I suppose. Thank you for your comments, and I will look into the book. Much appreciated.

Change the line breaks up a bit, then we'll talk =]