Love's Sweet Bloom

Hey there! This is my first poem, so be nice!!! xxx

Love's sweet bloom
Fly me to the moon
Kiss my words goodbye
Don't tell me why
I want to kiss you
I will miss you
If you ever went astray
I'll take you back

Love's sweet bloom
Kiss me- not too soon
Kiss me right here
And I have nothing to fear
Hold my hand and touch my skin
Let the feeling of love begin
If you ever went astray
I'll take you back by my side

Flowers all around me
The essence of love surrounds me
Kiss me multiple times to awaken me
Your tender skin has forsaken me
I want you to know you are special
You have great love potential
If you ever went astray
I'll always love you wherever you went

What do you guys think?! BE HONEST!!! XXX

This is a very good poem... especially for a first love poem post. Trust me, my first post on YWS was a sappy, cheesy mess. By reading this, I can gather that you a very good poet and writer.

But, because I can be very nitpickedy, I must say that you forgot all punctuation. Whether you know it or not, I'm going to say it: There are sentences in poems. Most of the time, a line ends in a comma or a period. Also, you contradict yourself a few times in this poem. For example, in the second (pardon my terminology, I'm not well versed in poetry vocabulary) paragraph, you say,
"Kiss me- not too soon
Kiss me right here"
When you read the 'not to soon' part', you assume that the kiss is supposed to happen later, but when you read 'kiss me right here', you would normally think that the kiss was to happen at that time. It can be a bit confusing for your reader.

Amazingly, that's all I have to say. Awesome job!

Keep Writing,

~Brook

First off I would like to say that I truly enjoyed this poem. It's got great imagry and rhyme. I can definitely feel the love as I read it. The structure is consistant through the whole poem and your rhyme doesn't seem forced. Good job! I have a great respect for those who can rhyme in their poetry because I certainly can't! Mine always seems forced.

Now I'm no poetry expert, but I'm going to suggest a few corrections. Most of them are just how to make your poem flow better.

Love's sweet bloom
Fly me to the moon#FF0000 ">;
Kiss my words goodbye#FF0000 ">-
Don't tell me why
I want to kiss you

The added punctuation helps put the emphasis on each phrase.

If you ever went astray
I'll take you back by my side

If you're going to repeat the last two lines of each, you should probably repeat the same exact line. If you only repeat the second to last line, the reader will be expecting the next to repeat. If it doesn't repeat word for word the reader is thrown off.

The essence of love surrounds me
Kiss me #FF0000 ">multiple times to awaken me
Your tender skin has forsaken me

If you read these three lines they flow much better. Sometimes if you add too many syllables or words your rythm is thrown off.

I hope I did an okay job reviewing your poem! Keep writing!

Aww thanks you guys x Means the world to me!!!

I liked it! I think sometimes, we get caught up in not being cheesy, but your poem had ust the right amount of cheese (which isn't that much) to make it feel like a classic. The last stanza didn't flow as well, but I think after you make Noelle's correction, it'll have more flow. Good job, and good luck on your next piece!

Be nice and be honest? Those are two rather contradicting instructions But I kid, I kid! This is a lovely poem you have here, not perfect but there's certainly some merit to it. Here's a few line-by-line comments:

If you ever went astray [Here you have a tense change! Until this point the poem is written in present tense, so you can't change to past here! You have to be consistent, my dear. This should be 'if you ever go astray'. You'll have to correct it for the repeated line too!]
I'll take you back

If you ever went astray
I'll always love you wherever you went [And this line too! It should be, 'I'll always love you wherever you go'.]

Alright so it's sweet but time for some general poetry advice. Other than the tense changes. I think you should leave this one as it is. This early into poetry, it's often best to not look back and instead to move on and learn not by correcting your mistakes, but rather by making less in the next ones! What mistakes did you make here then? Well here's a few...

Rhyme

Most of your rhymes are very simple which is good when you want to give your poem that whimsical feel, but you should try working with subtle rhymes as well and with none at all. I'd suggest to try the latter first as that will give you the opportunity to work on your imagery and flow. It's very hard to say what you want in a poem when you're worrying overly much about rhyme. So set that tool aside until you've learned some more of the basics

Imagery

Okay so! This is where the fun begins. The best poems are the ones that make you look at something in a new way; where one person might see a flower, another sees a jewel or a person's face. A good exercise is to simply write out some interesting metaphors and then try to write a poem around them. You have to purposefully avoid anything obvious though, like as cold as ice. So maybe you'd have as cold as an empty embrace instead. Or as cold as the bottom of the ocean. Those are good places to start, though I'm sure you can do better! Perhaps to you a smile looks like a picket fence, or a leather sofa feels like strength. Just have a think about it

Well that will do for now and if you'd like another review, feel free to ask!

Heather xxx