Mirror Reflection

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Abbie Richards stared at her perfect self. Perfect button nose, perfect round baby blue eyes, and perfect full lips that framed her perfect dazzling teeth. Even her hair was a perfect shade of honey blonde that went past her shoulders.
“Perfect!” she grinned. All was ready for her first day at her new school.

The first day went great. Everyone was friendly, the teachers were nice enough, and she made some new friends. At lunch they all shared stories. When it was her turn, Abbie told about the time she went camping and saw a bear.
“Oooo that's so scary!” Katie, a short girl with spiky brown hair, squeaked.
“Hey, speaking of scary, I know this really cool scary story!” Sarah, a redhead, exclaimed.
“Let's hear it!” Abbie excitedly said.
“Okay, so there was this girl named...,” her eyes flickered around the table. “...Abbie,” she whispered, grinning mischievously. “Abbie one night woke up and suddenly had a hunch that someone was waiting in her bathroom.”
Katie snorted.

“Shh, let me finish,” Sarah said. “Anyway, Abbie got out of bed, went to the bathroom, and turned on the lights, but there was no one there. As she looked around, she saw something move out of the corner of her eye. She hurriedly spun around, her heart pounding, but relaxed when she realized it was only her reflection. She smiled. Her reflection smiled back. She waved. Her reflection waved. She laughed at her silliness of thinking someone was in the bathroom. Her reflection didn't laugh. Her smile quickly faded. Did she imagine it? She moved her hand again. The reflection moved her hand, but not in the same way. Abbie watched, horrified, as the reflection took a small handheld mirror sitting by the sink, and smashed it to the ground. Abbie glanced at the real mirror by the real sink. It was unbroken, unmoved. She glazed back at her reflection. Now she watched as her mirror image picked up one of the shards of glass and brought it against her throat.
'No,' whispered Abbie, too frightened to move.
But it was too late. The glass flashed as it cut open the mirror Abbie's skin. Blood poured out of not only the reflection but out of Abbie herself. She screamed, fell over, and died.”

Abbie and Katie sat wide-eyed, the color drained from their faces.
“That was freaking scary!” Katie breathed.
“Er...that wasn't true, was it?” Abbie squeaked.
Sarah laughed. “Um, duh, of course not!”

Katie relaxed, but Abbie stayed tense. Scary stories always freaked her out. That night, she lay awake, too scared to go to sleep. Suddenly she had the feeling that someone was in her bathroom. She laid there as the feeling got more and more intense. Her heart ripping out of her chest with each beat, she slowly stepped out of bed and walked silently to the bathroom. Sweat poured off her face. She flicked the lights on and gazed in. No one there. No one except herself and her reflection.

She stared at herself in the mirror, white as a sheet, beads of sweat running down her face, her eyes so wide they seemed to be popping out of her head. It was just a story right? Reflections don't move on their own. But at that moment, her reflection smiled. Not in a warm way, but in a cold, menacing way. The mirror's eyes turned black and locked with Abbie's. Abbie couldn't move. Her heart seemed to want to jump out of her body it was pounding so hard. She opened her mouth to scream but found she couldn't. It felt as if something heavy was being pressed down on her chest. She watched, horrified, as the reflection of herself raised her hands. A black, smoky, mist-like substance appeared and began to get thicker and thicker. It twisted, turned, and jerked around into a shape that became more even more solid until it was clear what it was. A gun. Mirror Abbie took the now firm gun and brought it to her head. A sort of choking noise emitted from the real Abbie as she realized she had seconds to live. The reflection pulled the trigger, and the next thing Abbie felt was excruciating pain, and something hot and sticky gushing down her face.

The next morning, Abbie's mom knocked on her door to wake her up.
“Abbie! Time for school!” she sang.
When Abbie didn't answer, she knocked again.
“Abbie?”
The door creaked open and her mothers thin face peered inside.
“Abbie?” she said more shrilly.
She walked to the bed. Abbie wasn't in it. Hurriedly casting her gaze around the room, she concluded Abbie wasn't there. She however did realize the door of Abbie's bathroom was closed. She laughed with relief.
“Oh! Abbie!” she called. “Get out of the bathroom you're going to be late!”
Abbie didn't answer. Her mother strode over and knocked harshly on the door.
“Abbie! Answer me!” she wailed.
She flung the door open, looked down, and screamed.

Abbie's dad heard his wife's cry from downstairs. He jumped from his seat and sprinted up the steps. Once he reached Abbie's room, he bounded inside and bolted to the bathroom, where he could hear his wife weeping. He stared down at the two figures, as if through a haze. There was his wife, partially cradling Abbie, who was drenched in blood. His stomach dropped. A gun lay next to her. As he watched, it slowly faded and turned into mist.
Impossible is just an opinion.




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Wow, that was kind of creepy...

The way you tell your story is very intense. I love how the story twisted from just one of Abbie's friends telling it as a joke to it becoming real. I also like how you changed certain aspects of it, like the gun, so it didn't become repetitive. Great job!
If you create your sentences so they hold even more emotion - maybe by lengthening some of them out to create tension or making some really snappy to give sharp bursts of emotion - then this piece could become one amazing horror story!
One last point, I don't know if you did this on purpose or not but the fact that she considers herself perfect comes across as a hidden message - sort of like the perfect people don't always have or get everything. Do you know what I mean? Don't worry if you don't becasue it could just be me, I do tend to delve between the lines :D.

Keep up this great writing and feel free to PM me or post something on my wall, Midnight x
"Words are, in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic" - Albus Dumbledore




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Hey Tictac, my name is Tiger and I'll be your (possibly harsh) reviewer today. I will quote your work and brief comments will be in bold; longer ones will be mentioned outside of quotation bubbles after the section being commented on is underlined.

Abbie Richards stared at her perfect self. Perfect button nose, perfect round baby blue eyes, and perfect full lips that framed her perfect dazzling teeth. Even her hair was a perfect shade of honey blonde that went past her shoulders.


I've got to say, the moment I saw the word "perfect" I paused. The second time I gagged, and thereafter each repetition only increased my absolute horror. The word "perfect" is probably the worst substitute for proper description a writer can use, worse even then no description at all. When a story, any story, opens with a character describing themselves as perfect, most readers immediately get turned off. It's bad enough when the omnipresent narrator does it, but the character themselves? No. Absolutely not. I suggest you write a better opening paragraph than this.

“Perfect!” she grinned.


You can't grin a word. Instead write: "Perfect!" she said, grinning.

The first day went great. Everyone was friendly, the teachers were nice enough, and she made some new friends. At lunch they all shared stories. When it was her turn, Abbie told about the time she went camping and saw a bear.


A "perfect" first day? With other kids who were completely open and friendly to her without knowing her from Adam? They didn't have cliques, certain beliefs about students of certain schools, or an unwillingness to interact with a "newbie" kid? I'm not sure I can suspend my disbelief that far. There are no bullies, no anti-social children, just a school full of very "friendly", clearly very high and totally open-minded pupils? No b*tchy girls jealous of her "perfectness" or filthy-minded boys? Jeez, wish I went to that school.

“Oooo that's so scary!” Katie, a short girl with spiky brown hair, squeaked.

“Hey, speaking of scary, I know this really cool scary story!” Sarah, a redhead, exclaimed.


Why did you feel the need to describe (in brevity) their hair, and nothing else at all? I also find it a bit surprising that Abbey can remember their names so well, usually one forgets the names of new acquaintances a few times before learning them properly.

“Let's hear it!” Abbie excitedly (That you added an exclamation mark automatically depicts her excitement without unnecessarily added description)said.

“Okay, so there was this girl named...,” her eyes flickered flitted around the table. “...Abbie,” she whispered, grinning mischievously. “Abbie one night woke up and suddenly had a hunch I think you should change the word, it has the right definition but I don't think this is the right contextthat someone was waiting in her bathroom.”

Katie snorted.


If she's afraid of a bear story, I'm not sure why she would be laughing at this one, whether or not her new acquaintance's name was used.

“Anyway, Abbie got out of bed, went to the bathroom, and turned on the lights, but there was no one there. As she looked around, she saw something move out of the corner of her eye. She hurriedly spun around, her heart pounding, but relaxed when she realized it was only her reflection.


So, she walked into the bathroom. Out of the corner of her eye (to her extreme left or right, basically), she thought she saw something. Seeing this thing (to her left or right) she made a 360 degree turn. :\ After this, she realised that she had seen her own reflection in the mirror behind her. Even though her peripheral vision only let her see to her extreme left or right? Can you see the plot hole, here?

Abbie watched, horrified, as the reflection took a small handheld mirror sitting by the sink, and smashed it to the ground.


I understand that most girls can be vain, but why would she carry a hand mirror into a bathroom which already had a mirror?

Katie relaxed, but Abbie stayed tense. Scary stories always freaked her out.


They do, do they? Let's take a trip down memory lane: she was pretty excited about Sarah's story, and enthusiastically asked her acquaintance to tell it. Why would she want to listen to a "scary" story if they creeped her out?

I don't have any more little nitpicks, so let me mention something else that bothers me and give you an All-in-all.

Whenever a character speaks in your story, you never describing them saying the sentence. Instead, like many other writers you feel the need to describe the sentence. For example:

"Wow!" she exclaimed.

"Really?" he remarked.

"No!" he said aggressively.

As opposed to:

"Wow!"

"Really?" he asked.

"No!" he said.

What I'm trying to say is, it isn't always necessary to describe speech. In fact, it's better not to, because then the reader can interpret a character's emotions without being force-fed, and characters can be more real, instead of cardboard cut-outs.

All-in-All

This whole story read out a lot like one of those urban myth stories you hear. In fact, that's what I thought it was, and sort-of still do. The character's had no personality, and no background. I'm not sure you wrote the story so that we could at all feel Abbey's fear/shock/horror, but so that the reader would feel fear/shock/horror at the stories climax. Which is hard to do, because the story is one where you can't get emotionally invested, and the "horror" part isn't particularly horrible or scary, just, well...weird. The whole gun thing also quite boggles the mind.

But.

I'm probably being too harsh. This is my first review in a while, so I was going all-out, but you are new to the site and you're only thirteen. So let me just sum up: read this review, and others', and improve. And then write something new, and post it. Basically, like any other writer, this will be a long battle of trial and improvement. So good job and good luck, and KEEP WRITING!

Tiger
"A superman ... is, on account of certain superior qualities inherent in him, exempted from the ordinary laws which govern men. He is not liable for anything he may do."
Nathan Leopold



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