Beauties in Pastel

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Spoiler
This is a new project I recently started.

Prologue

I heard my mother’s rich laughter fill our living room as I played with her black bouncy curls. We were sitting on the lilac sofa directly in front of our television; I was pressed against her back,standing up as she was sitting laughing at one of Will Smith’s classic crazy antics on Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Her hair smelled of the familiar herbal hairspray she used some mornings to revive her crushed curls from sleeping; she always would complain of how her stylist could never really manage to keep her kinky roots straight for more than three days.

“Pastel?” her honey sweet voice filled my ears as she called my name.

“Yes” I continued playing in her hair; listening but not really. At such a young age I never could pay focus to anything too long.

“Am I squishing you too much?” she turned her head slightly. I could picture her face. Her black eyebrows raised in concern, her full lips pursed, and her chocolate skin glowing thanks to those special light bulbs she always bought.

“No.”

She then plafully pushed against me against the wall my stomach beginning to tighten due to the lack of space.

“And now?” she asked, a smirk painting itself on her face.

“No” I said in a high pitched voice, trying to make myself seem stronger than I actually was but in reality could not breathe.

She then pushed back a little more until she began laughing already knowing what I was going to say.

I started laughing with her,” Mommy I can’t breathe!”

“Really?” she asked with a hint of fake confusion, “this feels so comfortable.”

We both continued laughing until she turned around and began tickling me. I can feel her fingers like soft cashmere lightly dancing over my stomach until we laugh so hard we begin to cry. Afterwards we were so exhausted from laughing and wrestling we quieted down and began watching television until I’d drift into another sweet dream.

That was the last day I spent with my mother. Her honey sweet voice would no longer fill my ears, her infectious laughter not infecting me like the flu I obtained afterwards, and her sweet lips no longer whispering I love you into my ear. She was gone and somehow I felt my name was part of the reason why.
Last edited by nativecatcher on Sat Aug 06, 2011 6:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Follow your bliss.-J.Campbell




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This gave me a really warm feeling and I loved it. A great prologue, you wrote enough to make me feel attached to the characters so I would care whether or not something happened to the mother, but you didn't write so much that I got bored with it. Then you hinted at something big happening so I would keep reading.

TV series are italicized or underlined, so it should have been Fresh Prince of Bel Air.




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Spotted a few mistakes, titles of television shows should be in italics, so it's The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, not "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air." Song titles, however, are to be in quotes, keep that in mind.

Also the line : I was pressed against her back standing up as she was sitting laughing at one of Will Smith’s classic crazy antics on “Fresh Prince of Bel Air”. (you need a comma between 'back' and 'standing')

Another line would be : She suddenly pushed against me harder my stomach beginning to tighten due to the lack of space. (you need a comma between 'harder' and 'my')

Another line would be: She was gone I wouldn’t see her like the joyful house spirit that left with her. (add a comma between 'gone' and 'I')

As for my review, I'm not sure if you meant to make this dark. But I feel like the whole exchange between the mother and child was a bit dark. I thought it was abuse until you mentioned her wrestling and laughing. Was it normal for them to be that way?

And also, I like the whole thing as a whole, the ending is nice and it begins the story nicely.

Grandison




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I really liked reading this piece, it made em feel warm and fuzzy inside. You have a great manipulation over language and beautiful imagery. I particularly liked the line "I can feel her fingers like soft cashmere lightly dancing over my stomach until we laugh so hard we begin to cry.". There isn't much criticism besides a few missing commas here and there, but the last sentence reads a bit awkwardly. Overall, I really enjoyed your writing and I could empathize with your characters. :D



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