The Unwritten | Chapter 2

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 917
Reviews 6
Hello again! I know it's been awhile since the first chapter. And I feel that this chapter did not really come out that nicely as I was rushing to meet this mental deadline I made for the chapter.

So yeah, feel free to Review, because I'd really, really appreciate it. :D Thanks!

Oh yes, the main evil characters (Krein and Mythen, if you haven't read chapt 1) will not be shown for a few chapters, because I'm an evil person. And the story is pretty much going great. :D

CHAPTER 2

It could've been the wind, or perhaps, the sounds of the forests that woke Albin. As his eyelids rose, flashbacks of his death kept playing in his mind, like a broken record. Albin's hands instinctively ran down to his abdomen, to check for his wound.

It wasn't there.

He stood up, looking into the forest he was in. The fog that surrounded the place was already clearing, revealing yards of huge trees, that blocked most of the sunlight from entering. Finding a way out was seemingly impossible, but there was nothing to do except to walk, unless, of course, Albin wanted to rot in that very spot he was in.

Albin stood up and stared at the long winding dirt path that stood ahead of him, unsure of where it would lead. As he started walking, the sound of hooves could be heard.

'Horses?' He thought to himself. He shook the thought out of his head. For all he knew, the horses could've been living in this forest. He continued forward, his pace quickened at every few minutes.

The horses were near. He could tell. They seemed to be coming up front. But then he heard the voices. Not whispering voices, but voices of men. Albin let out a sigh of relief. Humans in this eerie forest. But then something scratched at the back of his mind. What if they were bandits? What if they were corrupted warriors travelling for blood?

The silhouettes of humans riding on their horses start to appear. Albin recoiled and started backtracking. As the riders got closer, they revealed themselves to be clad in armor and swords. Knights. They saw Albin, a lone man, with a distinctive face, for very few people in the world at brown, spiked hair.

Albin stood where he was, not moving at all. Something about these people calmed him down, but also made him more alert.

More afraid.

One of the knights descended his horse. He didn't move forward, nor back. He unsheathed his sword and directed it to Albin.

"You," The knight started, his voice strong and demanding. "What are you doing here?"

Albin kept silent. What was he to say? The knight walked toward Albin, his sword face down. Albin, by now, had reached his hands at his waist, wanting to reach his blade. But it was not there.

"Judge's nuts," Albin cursed. He knew there was no where out of this. He would be taken in to get interrogated by the knights. Then an idea came up. To fight these people, to get out and, hopefully, stay alive this time.

The knight reached Albin, their faces inches apart from each other.

"I would prefer if you would answer that question..." There was a threatening tone in the sentence when the knight spoke. Albin took this as his chance.

His leg rose, straightly, and went between the knight's legs. He then bent it sideways, hitting the knight behind his knee, making the latter fall. Albin then kneed his face, throwing the knight backwards. The other few knights started charging toward Albin, their swords behind them.

Albin crouched and grabbed the knight's (which he fell) sword. The first knight came, and the blades clashed. Suddenly, the impossible happened. The earth beneath Albin started to move, like waves, except they were stationary. Then, as Albin kicked the first knight, the earth shot forward, following the movement Albin had done, except it spread out even further, making a few other knights fall.

"A Seer!" One of the knights shouted.

'Seer?' Albin thought. 'Was that what had happened?'

But he could not find out, for the earth had calmed itself down again. The knights then charged, all at once, toward Albin. Albin placed the blade at his side, waiting for them to get closer. Time seemed to slow down. The knights inching toward him, then as they got close, Albin turned, his blade reaching out to each of the knight's torso.

Though it did not do much effect. The attack only but made a dent in the armor. The knights recovered from the attack and one of them, using the hilt of his sword, swung it toward Albin.

The last thing Albin saw was the hilt of the sword, then darkness once again...
Everything is so troublesome! D:.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 10840
Reviews 202
I liked that! I loved how there was a cliffhanger in both the last chapter and this one. I liked the description at the beginning, but I think it'd benefit from some description about the trees. Were the leaves lush and green or were the trees bare or... etc.

I liked the little cliffhanger at the end. I'd like to read more :)

Mac




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1771
Reviews 29
Hey! Got to this through the random story button. It really is very useful :P

First of all, I very much liked the medieval vibe; it's one of my favourite periods in history, and I love stories with that sort of mood.

Now I haven't read the first chapter (yet) so you'll have to forgive me if I get anything wrong. :P

Plot...

As far as plot goes, this story is sound. It's a bit mysterious to me at the moment, but that's probably because I haven't read chapter one. I understand that you had a deadline for this, but when you come to amend it, I would like to see a bit more of the plot in each chapter. Small snippets sometimes get a bit tedious when you have to go through every one.

Description/Setting...

I liked the setting of the forest, it gives reason to the Knight's suspicion of Albin's presence. However I feel that you could have added quite a bit more description here. For example; What sort of trees are in the forest? Are there young ones and old ones? Are there any animal calls in the morning? What is the ground like? Grassy? Is there dew on the grass? How does it feel? Cold? Wet? These are the sort of things that bring a setting alive and really draw the reader in. They can also give more meaning to the characters' actions sometimes.

Albin's clothes and the Knight's armour (European spelling :P ) would also be great. These are the sort of things that readers, especially me, like to read about and see in our minds. Again, I understand that you were restricted by time, but these are just suggestions that you could pick up on later.

Characters...

It would be nice to know a bit more about Albin, since I felt that it was slightly lacking in this chapter. However you may have done that in a previous chapter, or intend to do it in a later one.

Other...

The combat was a bit, strange. Albin would have to be a very good fighter, with an extensive background of combat to be able to get anywhere near the Knights. Knights were the elite soldier, and even trying to hook your leg round theirs to trip them up (Which I believe Albin does?) would be very hard. I think that, unless you already intend to do so, Albin's character would have a long background of fighting from a young age. Returning again to the descriptions I mentioned, the Knight's armour would also need to be added. I was unsure whether the Knight's had helmets or not, or even what type of armour they had. Punching a Knight in plate armour without armour yourself would give you a broken hand, whereas punching chainmail would injure you less. The same applies with the helmets. I'm quite picky with these sorts of things, so expect me to want a lot in this area :P

Overall I really liked this chapter. I liked the feeling and I am about to read the first chapter as soon as I finish typing something for work. :(

Keep up the work and I'll be back to review your next chapter as soon as it's done! :)

*Sean
Hwær cwom mearg? Hwær cwom mago?
Hwær cwom maþþumgyfa?
Hwær cwom symbla gesetu?
Hwær sindon seledreamas?



Be careful or be roadkill.
— Calvin