[Character Sketch] Rum Tawney

[Right i quickly did this in Notepad so excuse the spelling errors etc... Its a character sketch for a character that I havn't really thought about and he is fairly new to my plot, I took him out of my Victorian type fantasy and placed him in a bank. I want feedback on the character of Rum Tawney, thanks]


RUM TAWNEY CHARACTER SKETCH

Rum Tawney stroked his whiskery tufts of hair on his pimply chin whilst in deep thought about whether to open an account for cashing his money or not. He whistled to himself as he made funny noises, he just couldn't decide.

"Can you please make a descision sir, customers are waiting?" Asked the bank assistant. Rum turned from his thinking state into a stern angered state.

"Yes, descisions take time," He snapped harshly silencing the bank clerk, within seconds he pondered again, his eyes distracted by a bird pecking at the window.

"Yes, ill open an acc.. NO...infact there is no need..but maybe..errr, oo...ah..he...mmm," He said gesticulating like hell in the air. "No, I wont bother."

The shop assistant sighed handing him notes of cash in an elastic band, he took it but didn't move.

"Anything else?" The bank assistant asked again. "Yes, I don't know which pocket to put the money in." Rum was finally pushed out of the way by a gruff looking man, anger boiled up inside of him, he hated people who did not let him think. Their was not much going on in Rum's life at the moment so he had more time to juggle everything around, he considered it a crime to prevent him from ironing out simple descisions to perfection.

As he walked out of the shop he slowly decided what to whistle, licked his lips then started with a merry tune. People looked at him strangley, but he didn't notice because his eyes were closed in deep thought about whether he really wanted to hand over the money to the dark character standing on the corner, or whether he should have said no all along. On one hand this mattered greatly, it was a "this or that" descision, on the other the concept of money was something that didn't interest him in the slightest.

He threw the money way off aim, the figure managed to catch it and skulk off. Rum kicked a can on the road whilst going into a tap dance down the street.

Well, he certainly seems an.. interesting character..

Just a few things to comment on here.

as he made funny noises, he just couldn't decide.

^ Should be a semi-colon instead of a comma. I won't explain why now, but if you don't understand, just pm me and I'll explain.

Rum turned from his thinking state into a stern angered state.

^ I just don't like this sentence at all. It does nothing to the reader. Try and make this more eloquent. Something like.. "Suddenly angry, Rum..." + verb + whatever.

Few spelling/grammatical errors but I won't go into this unless you ask me too.

As for the character, Rum actually quite annoyed me. I got that he's quite indecisive (as I am actually..) but he just seemed SO annoying, though I couldn't say whether this was because of his indecisiveness or because of the way you put it across.

Apart from being quite odd generally, Rum also seems to have contrasting personalities, sometimes whistling "a merry tune" or tap-dancing, and at other times getting angry or stern, when there doesn't seem to be any reason for it.

Hope I helped, and if you have any specific questions feel free to pm me.

~KayJuran~

Yes lol! Rum is supposed to be an utter annoyance. Yes a semi-colon would go better there but I have a tendancy not to use them to spite MS Word that constantly thinks a semi-colon should go everywhere.

I arnt sure about the contrast, he was supposed to be angry for people questioning his indescisiveness.