Blessed Blaze

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I wrote this when I was twelve for NaNoWriMo. It is utter and complete ****, but I like the plot. I proofread it, and it's as though it were written by a different person. Also, when I wrote this, I completely forgot to insert chapter breaks, so it was one one big blob up until now. I may have ended this chapter at an awkward point, so feedback on that would be great. Please tear it to pieces.


. . . Red sun in the morning, sailors take warning.

A giant blazing orb, the color of Amber's hair, gravitated into the cerulean sky on that heavy September day -- her first in Marshfield. Although she wasn't a sailor, she took note of the color of the sun -- and the unfortunate color of her frizzy auburn hair -- and thought of it as a bad omen. I was too young at the time to understand.

Amber worried about the birth of her child – my little sibling – to come. Stress wasn't good for her baby, and her protruding stomach growled at her. Amber had to wonder whether that was my already cross little sibling, or her hungry digestive system.

After a bit of contemplation, Amber decided on the latter, and stared at her empty cabinets. She looked at the boxes, the contents of which had been deliberately spilled and placed in scattered sections of our kitchen. The rusty sink faucet eked out a few droplets of chilly water, and Amber wished her husband – my dad – were home, or at least the phone had been connected. I thought it was unjust that we had just moved into our new house, and the faucet was already crusty and brown.

My dad was a firefighter, and I was very proud of him. Whenever we had parents’ day at school, I took my dad in and made him wear his uniform. He came in his rubber suit, and some of the kids in the younger grades were afraid of him. He looked so tough and manly; I knew that I would always be safe with him. He had saved many people’s lives, and would save mine too if he had to.

I was a headstrong girl of nine years old back then, way ahead of my time. I voiced my opinions loudly and was stubborn whenever someone disagreed with me. I would find, though, that my move to Marshfield would make me a bit more timid (maybe for the better) and more lacking of friends than in the past. I appreciated fine arts, and was far too advanced for my third-grade class. Nobody could skip a grade in my old town, especially not a girl. Boys were favored by the superintendent, and he only hired male principals who were extremely sexist.

Amber had previously lived in a town called Exeter, about seventy miles away from Marshfield. Marshfield was a huge center for news, and needed photographers at easy access in the city. The Exeter Times needed publicity, and this could be found with more and more articles about Marshfield. Thus, she came to Marshfield.





Amber had difficulty sleeping that night, as did we all. There’s something terribly intimidating about a house full of dismal boxes.

On her second day at our house, Amber took my clammy little hand in hers, and we walked through the neighborhood, eager to meet our neighbors. Whenever we saw a sweaty man jogging or an elderly woman walking a yappy Cocker Spaniel, Amber introduced us with a smile from ear to ear.

Amber had moved once when she was a child, but I never had. She told me that the new neighbors had given her homemade cupcakes and disgusting slimy gelatin. Although Amber was thankful that she didn't have to digest those horrid confabulations, she wondered why our neighbors weren't friendlier to us. It seemed as though all the other neighbors were stuck together with super glue, and we joined together as the repelling side of a magnet, keeping an invisible wall between us and those unfortunate enough to be in our proximity.

The next Monday, Amber slid on her best maternity top, trying to hide the impediment of her pregnancy. She slipped into her scratched and dented Toyota Camry and drove me to the Marshfield Town Hall, never allowing herself beyond twenty miles per hour. We were going to register me for third grade.

Amber negotiated herself towards the front desk of the prestigious-looking town hall. A rather withered-looking woman – no more that forty years of age – sat at the front desk. She wasn’t doing much, but managed to give off an air of being busily occupied in something of extreme importance.

A coward Amber became, but she pushed herself towards the woman. "Hi!"

The woman, not stirring, silently looked up beyond her granny spectacles. After studying Amber for a moment, she continued with her stalling work.

"I'm new here."

The same response came from the woman once again.

"I need to register Louise for school."

This time the cranky woman spoke. "Education Department. Fourth door on the left." Her eyes followed the sneer creeping its way up Amber’s disgusted face as she walked – eyes on the horizon – to the fourth door on the left. I wondered why the lady needed to glare.

The fourth door held a small melded glass window, beyond which one could only see a bit of golden light and shadows now and again. The window bore peeling sticker letters: MR. R BERT A. SUNTRY.

Amber gently tapped the door with the tips of her fingers, and, seeing that this wouldn't work, she applied more pressure. After all the weight of her hands had been thrust against the door, she shouldered it, finally getting the door to budge. She burst through the door and clumsily stumbled into the office.

"Good morning, Mr. Suntry!"

"G'morning. I'll forgive you for not knocking just this one time. I hear you're new to the town, Mrs. Lanini?"

"Oh, I'm sorry! I thought that, you know, since it's a swinging door and all, I didn't have to knock. Like, you don't have to knock when you're going into a bathroom with a swinging door, right?" Amber had a mortifying tendency to give too much information when very nervous.

Mr. Suntry was unamused. "Very interesting, ma'am. Now, are you Mrs. Lanini or aren't you? I just got a call from Miss Terry, at the front desk. She said you managed to bother her with a mere eleven words. If I were you, I'd shut my mouth a little bit and try to get people to like me."

Amber blushed, and I clung to the droopy hem of her maternity shirt. "Yes, I'm Mrs. Lanini." Something told her not to ask why 'Miss Terry' would call anyone about her 'annoyance,' much less Mr. Suntry.

"Okay, good. So is this little girl Louise?"

Amber replied in the affirmative, and I was to go to Hephaestus Elementary School. The name sounded cool, so it couldn’t be that bad.




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This has got me thinking.....a lot. I'm not a fan of it but I think that's it well-written. I'm somewhat a little confused because there isn't much of a description but other than that it's a great start. I feel a little bad for Amber and that rude Mr.Suntry. -__- I already hate him....with a passion. Keep writing.
True confidence leaves no room for jealousy. When you know your are great, you have no need to hate.
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Hi there! Let's see what you have here, I think I will start with a few line-by-line comments...

Title: Okay so the alliteration is cool but other than that, your title's a little boring so maybe think about spicing things up a bit! You want a title that's really going to attract attention and make your novel stand out from the crowd. I can't comment yet since I don't know enough about what happens in it, but maybe something to do with fire and a fire that's good? In which case perhaps you could play with the word 'Phoenix' since a Phoenix is reborn from the ashes?

. . Red sun in the morning, sailors take warning.
<<<I used to love these little rhymes! Just thought I'd tell you that :p

A giant blazing orb, the color of Amber's hair, gravitated into the cerulean [This is a very difficult word to use. The trouble is that cerulean sky is an old phrase that you tend to find in the really cheesy romance books so having it so soon in your novel gives it the wrong feel.] sky on that heavy September day -- her first in Marshfield. Although she wasn't a sailor, she took note of the color of the sun -- and the unfortunate color of her frizzy auburn hair -- and thought of it as a bad omen. I was too young at the time to understand.
[Good beginning! I like the use of omens and this flows very nicely. You should be very proud of your twelve year old self, she's doing a good job so far.]

Amber worried about the birth of her child – my little sibling – to come. Stress wasn't good for her baby, and her protruding stomach growled at her. Amber had to wonder whether that was my already cross little sibling, or her hungry digestive system.
[Wait... Amber is the mother? Since this is from the child's point of view I find it strange that she refers to her mother as Amber. Maybe reconsider that, unless there's a point to it that comes into the story later. Such as she's a step mom or something.]

Good narrative in the next few paragraphs. They're simple but they flow really nicely and I think the simple style actually reflects the persona's age. The only thing I would say is maybe do a little less telling and more showing. Do we really need to know everything she's telling us right this moment or can you introduce the father later in the story? Right now, we want more of this mother and daughter pair and their new house. What's happening in the present is always far more interesting than back-story. A little more description would be nice too and think about how a child sees things. Everything is very big and different to a child. You may actually find that this is harder to write now. But try to re-capture the amazing imagination that a nine year old girl has.

Amber [You start a few too many paragraphs with Amber. Try to cut back on that.] negotiated herself towards the front desk of the prestigious-looking town hall. A rather withered-looking woman – no more that forty years of age – sat at the front desk. She wasn’t doing much, but managed to give off an air of being busily occupied in something of extreme importance.
[This is a little indirect. This is what a third person would say but you're writing in first person so show us what your character sees, not what is there. For example: 'The lady looked terribly busy, her hands moving all over the place until I thought she had eight. Like a spider. Spiders have eight legs. I couldn't really see what she was doing though; it looked to me like the paper was just being moved back and forth from one tray to another. But she was busy and it made me nervous to think that mum was going to interrupt her.']

Alright, that's all for now and all in all, this was a pretty good chapter. There's some work needed but you kept my interest so that's enough to know this is worth saving. Hopefully this review will help you a little and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask!

Heather xxx
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.



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