Someday when I am a stand up comedian... DONT READ THIS!

That title sparked your interest aye? Well you are one contrary son/daughter of a be-oych.
This is for if i ever become a comedian or do amateur comedy, I considered putting it in scripts but ya know...
Any how.

Presenting the famous fantabulous: _____(i shouldn't post my name)____

I come on stage and look around enthusiastically. "Anyone here tonight from a place starting with the letter S?"
cheers
"I knew IT I figure if i am vague enough i am bound to get someone from there! HEY you" I single out a young person in the audience. "where are you from?"
(s)he answers
"good for you. never heard of it myself, and i don't care to learn about it"
"Are you angry?"
"no? then you should be."
"cause i need to tell you about what i think of yo mama."
"YO MAMA IS SO FAT-SO FAT... that i forgot how fat yo mama is. Oh shnap! BRing it, cause i got it brung! Would you like some izzice for that bizburn?"
"Down low!" goes for a behind high five.
"oh yeah i forgot none of my homies are here. Oh well" takes off shoes and does a very lame moon walk.
"ya know i am from the ghetto, can't you tell" points at pale freckled face.
"seriously i lived there until third grade! YEA BITCH!"
*rickaricka
"Now i live in the wes-sighy! Cause you can't go any westerner than the ocean, go any westerner your east"
"I have a rap for people in the far east "
"would you like to hear it?"
*does the rap (already made up but i won't post it)
Looks at a Asian in the audeince.
"YOu got b-e-r-n-e-d burned! You better stop drop and roll!"
"Ya know i never really understood that. Why on earth would you stop?"
"OK so your hand is burning and you stop"
*stops for about 20 seconds eyes looking around
"At this point I would be screaming"
"So you stopped just long enough for the fire to spread, then you drop and roll."
"SKIP the stopping OK?"
"As a matter of fact the dropping is unnecessary too. What are you gonna do roll in the air?"
*"rolls" in the air
"of course not so why bother mentioning it? If you can't figure it out you deserve to burn and quite possibly die. You would look ridiculous doing it too."
"another thing, once you are not on fire should you continue rolling? They never tell you the important thing; what should you do after you roll?"
"me i would just keep rolling, but fast like"
*gets on the ground rolling
"I'm rolling.I'm rolling! what should i do now? I know! I will roll out of the house."
*rolls as fast as possible to the 'doorway'
"now what? I am too long to fit through."
*Stands up "are there anymigets in the audience?"
"didn't think so"
*Gets back on ground
"instead of rolling you would have to crawl as army style through the door. Only backwards cause you need to keep an eye on the fire."
"your pet turtle has a better chance of survival"

the end...for now i realize it needs to be longer.

This killed me inside.
I mean, come on, you should probably know not all comedians talk like there's a lawn mower going up their back....

And honestly, the part before the actual script -- DUH and not nice. If you don't want people to see it fix it up before you let them see it anyway.

Some of this is okay. However, I recommend you don't act like you've just OD on speed. Insulting people is fine (you can't be a nice stand up comidian - it just wouldn't work), but being racist may not be such a good idea. And you don't need to shout 'you've been burned!' after making a crack at someone (unless you can pull it off well).

Are you a gangster or something?

It's kind of repetitive, but if you tuned up the places starting with 'S' thing, it could work. It's not worded very well, but I get what you were trying to say.

I didn't find this funny. My suggestion: watch stand-up comedians do their acts on stage/tv. Model your format and the style of material (not the ACTUAL material) you use after them.

Being an Englishman I find nothing funny than British wit, I didn't find this witty at all.

Not funny at all. The whole thing seemed rather pointless.

:-s I feel bad for having to say this...but, honey...no. Really. Just...no.

K, maybe my humor is just different or I watch too much Comedy Central, but I thought it was good! The "stop, drop and roll" part is good.

It's much funnier in real life, without a skript; kinda defeats the term stand up. I watch comedy central all the time too. Basikally the only thing i am sure about is the stop drop and roll. The rap only plays on the steroetype asians are brilliant. Thanks for the imput but you should have obeyed the title.

Thanks for the (late) advice, but you shouldn't have put it up if you didn't want people to read it...

I, too, am very confused as to why you put it up if you didn't want it read. And just for the record, I actually obeyed the title's instructions every time I saw it. Until this morning when I saw so many replies to the thread and wanted to see what was going on.

Unfortunately, I failed to find much of anything funny in this either, whether I was reading it or having someone "perform" it for me. (yes, I did call someone in to "perform" it, just to see if it got any better).

I did find the opening lines funny however. I have to admit that when speakers/comedians ask if there's anyone from such and such a place, I never quite get why people cheer so much. So asking if there was anyone in the house from "a place beginning with S" hit me just right. I thought that one worked rather well.

The rest of it... well, it seemed that you were using basically the same formula for the jokes over and over and it got old quickly. Oh, and telling someone that they got burned gets old after about... the first time.

"That title sparked your interest aye?"
I feel a little violated by that. This post has encoraged me not to read any more of your posts.

And it wasn't funny. The ghetto rap style is overdone, and it would have been better if you did one joke with that, and then moved on to something else. Because, and trust me on this, people paying to go to comedy clubs arent interested in seeing another white youth suburbanite pretend to be black. Their kids do that, they don't need to see it on stage. Which is why a joke or two is fine, but carried on too long, or taking the bit seriously is a bad idea. Making fun of kids who do that might just be a hit, but you didn't do that. Or, not in any way that I could tell, or it was inefective enough for me not to notice.

I didn't get why the midgets had to crawl, it didn't make any sense. Nor did anything about the stop drop and roll part. Stop- means stop running around and screaming because your on fire, and most people will understand that. Drop and Roll is intended for k-6 age kids, who actually need that explained too them. You could tell an adult to just roll around on the ground. Again, something most people understand.

Most people are willing to bend a little bit of logic when it comes to humor, especially if their warmed up properly. But the more they have to bend, the less humorous it will be. Eventually, it wont be funny at all, and this bit is a good example.