150 Words of Fragility

Contest entry: 150 Words

FOR SALE! Rare Indian Krait; cheap.

That is what it said at the top of the page.
I’d made myself my usual Americano, one sugar, no cream. The Yellow Pages went down with a flop, landing on the PETS section.

“...not your Florida green snake, Beautiful, a great project and cheap to experienced keeper ...”

This was a bargain. Before I knew it this magical creature had made its way into my ready hands.
It had been a long time. Such a familiar feel, yet so alien, the scales carefully making their way across my skin. The bite was quick, leaving me invaded and broken. Pain coursed through my body, regenerating in intensity with every pang.
I delighted death.
What pity, for we encase our trust, certain it would come to no harm. Only when this pact is broken that the human mind accepts this realization, and opens one’s eyes.

Okay, I know this sounds weird, but I love this even though I partially dont get it. The end of this narritive, my heart knew what you were saying, but my brain couldn't quite figure it out haha. Maybe I just need to study it a little more closely. anyway, I really liked this. I loved the simplicity of the narrative and how it connects with what you are trying to say in the end. Very nice job! Anyway, once you read this, would you mind explaining it to me so that my brain knows what you were talking about too :-p Thanks! Keep writing!

I like the use of the snake as a motif for human's nature to easily give away trust. I would say this accurately describes fragility in under 150 words. I like the descriptions of the encounter with the snake. Great job, and keep up the writing!

I'm impressed with how much you managed to pack into 150 words. In fact, it almost reminded me of a poem in the way that it was short but I had to reread it several times before I could completely comprehend what was going on.

One suggestion I can make is to try to avoid using dead phrases like "That is ..." in your second line. Even though the language in this piece is simple and to the point, I feel that you could have used some better word choice in that line.

The latter part of the story left me a bit confused. "The bite was quick" came so immediately and without a visual shift that at first I thought that the character had been expecting, even wanting, the snake to bite. But than I got to the word "invaded". This tells me that the bite was not intended, because you wouldn't feel your house was invaded by someone you just welcomed in. But then the narrarator says they "delighted death", which again gives me the impression that death by snake venom was their intention all along. If so, and if I'm right in assuming that when the speaker says "It had been a long time" they are talking about holding and touching a snake, then wouldn't that mean that they like handling snakes because of their potentially lethal qualities and therefore they should be dead because they've handled snakes before and probably wanted the snake to bite them before as well? If "The bite was quick" was a new paragraph, then it would have signaled to me that this wasn't part of the familiar feeling being described in the previous sentence and therefore wasn't expected. I still would have been confused that the person "delighted death" though. Maybe this is all just me, I don't know.

I like the last paragraph. And it does seem to suggest that the character didn't intend to get bitten. Overall, I think if you can clarify the speaker's intentions, this would be a very awesome piece. Of course, maybe getting readers to question the narrarator's motives was your intention, in which case you did splendidly.

Jack-pot! Bingo! Amen! - God, what else is it that people cry out these days?

FemmeFatale: The feeling you'd just described is EXACTLY the feeling that I had hoped for. I always aim to create this with my short stories, where word numbers are limited.

The feeling when think you know, when you actually don't. What you think you know isn't written where you can see it, but you still know that it's there.
And so - your brain tells you that this is it. This is just a story about a dumb-ass who got bitten by a snake and that's it for today folks! He's dead! Hurrah! But your heart's like "There's more to this, bro..."
And so the battle ensues.

beccalicious94: Thank you for seeing the connection with the snake. Basically this whole piece is one whole connection. If anything was to be removed, this would just be completely crazy and pointless. All the little factors add up, sending my message across.

INTP: Thanks for all the pointers. You didn't sugar-coat it, so respect for that.
I know what you mean about the second line. To be honest the whole piece is very bland, there really is nothing to say about it in the descriptive department. However I think I like it this way, because it's me trying something new. Usually I'm really heavy on the imagery. In fact, my teachers always keep telling me to dumb it down. But thanks for pointing it out nevertheless.

Now, the bulk of your review. I could either call you really picky, or just goddamn smart. I know it might not make much sense but I had intended juxtaposition to be present within the text. Oxymorons, contraversion, irony. Each word and statement undermining the previous, causing the reader to question the motives of both snake and MC.
Does he know what he is doing?
Is he expirienced with snakes?
Suicide, perhaps?

So on and on and on. Being a short piece, I simply do not have enough words to build any sort of relationship between the reader and MC. I cannot make you feel grief, and I cannot let any sort of personality shine through. In 150 words, I can't go off telling you his favorite color. But I can tell you how he likes his coffee

The point is, I don't think you should treat this as your average story.
Treat it as a poem maybe. Poet reviewers tend to have more tolerance for crap. Or morons who get themselves bitten by venomous snakes.

Respectfully yours,
Espeon

Because my reaction to the story (that is, my inner deliberation as to what the character's real motivations were because of the juxtaposition and contraversion of feelings during the interaction with the snake) was your intention, I say bravo! It sounds like you wanted the readers to have those questions, and since you most definitely had them running through my mind, you achieved one of the highest goals as a writer: to get the audience to think or feel a certain way. Awesome job, I look forward to reading more of your writings.

P.S. As for me being either picky or smart, we can go with smart. ;P

espeon wrote:Contest entry: 150 Words

FOR SALE! Rare Indian Krait; cheap.

That is what it said at the top of the page.

This for the most part is very concise, you could still be a little more brutal with your cutting away extraneous observations like the one above. We soon learn through much better description that his appears on a page, because you talk about the yellow pages. So you can do away with this description for now.

The Yellow Pages went down with a flop, landing on the PETS section.

Why is pets capitalized? if you want to emphasize it italicize. Caps are amateur. I could only assume you wanted it to appear how it does in the yellow pages? as caps? It doesn't matter, its a little distracting as is.

“...not your Florida green snake, Beautiful, a great project and cheap to experienced keeper ...”

Great. Fantastic line. I could see you losing it here, but you have done well. It conveys a couple of things, it might be dangerous because it requires an experienced keeper and also it is being sold. I'm not sure if they sell snakes in the yellow pages though? For me that is the biggest factual flaw of the piece, you could have easily made it the classifieds.
Other than that this line is powerful, and well constructed.

This was a bargain. Before I knew it this magical creature had made its way into my ready hands.

Again you could tighten this up. 150 words isn't much.

'Bargain. Before I knew it this magical creatures was in my ready hands'

What does your sentence say that mine doesn't? You see. I mean you have done really well to get it concise and sharp but I feel you could have taken it a little further.

Pain coursed through my body, regenerating in intensity with every pang.

Pain coursed through my body is very cliche. I'm being harsh now, but there is plenty of other ways to say this.

Pain started at the bite, then regenerated, spreading through my limbs...

I delighted death.

When I first read this I wasn't entirely sure what your theme was. But, after reading this line it became a little more clear. You have handled this theme in a unique manner. Made it your own, and nothing is entirely clear until this point.

What pity, for we encase our trust, certain it would come to no harm. Only when this pact is broken that the human mind accepts this realization, and opens one’s eyes.

This line only modifies the line about death. It's not great, and reads almost like new-age self-help literature. I think you could have kept it relative to your MC to avoid sounding preachy and we could still deduce from it a theme.

Pity washed over me, I encase my trust only to have this pact broken. My mind only accepts this realization as death's infinite slumber approaches. Then I open my eyes.

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Something like that would, for me, be a little more powerful. By addressing people in general you address the reader. You almost tell them how they should feel, rather than show them. We, naturally, emphasis with your MC so if she goes through it we all do, we all see the light.

So for me this piece was exceptional. Well crafted, and very mature, particularly for your age. The them was handled well and your approach was unique. I commend you for a delightful read. Good luck!