Heaven's a bad place to be

Heaven’s a bad place to be


Heaven’s a bad place to be,
At least if you're as broken as me.
If the tears you cry are fake,
and lying and faults are all you make

Don’t go please stay a little longer here.
I know there’s pain and there is fear,
but here mistakes are not a shame.
Lies are told and faults are made.

Hell’s a bad place to be,
At least if you’re as broken as me.
If the tears you cry are real,
and if telling the truth is your deal

Don’t go please stay a little longer here.
I know there’s pain and there is fear,
but here mistakes are not a shame.
Lies are told and faults are made.

Earth is a good place to be,
at least if you’re as broken as me.
For real or pretend, if you ever cry,
if you tell the truth, if you tell a lie

Don’t go please stay a little longer here.
I know there’s pain and there is fear,
but here mistakes are not a shame.
Lies are told and faults are made.

Heaven’s a bad place to be,
At least if you're as broken as me. this line is too lone
If the tears you cry are fake, why would they be fake? explain.
and lying and faults are all you make you don't 'make faults'

Don’t gocomma please stay a little longer here.
I know there’s pain and there is fear,
but here mistakes are not a shame.
Lies are told and faults are made.

Hell’s a bad place to be,
At least if you’re as broken as me.
If the tears you cry are real,
and if telling the truth is your deal period. and 'your deal' sounds very juvenile and doesn't fit the poem

Don’t go please stay a little longer here.
I know there’s pain and there is fear,
but here mistakes are not a shame.
Lies are told and faults are made.best stanza yet, except for the mistakes I've already pointed out

Earth is a good place to be,
at least if you’re as broken as me.
For real or pretend, if you ever cry, For real? you're just trying to make he line work, the comma throws off the line's flow
if you tell the truth, if you tell or a lie

Don’t go please stay a little longer here.
I know there’s pain and there is fear,
but here mistakes are not a shame. it's cool that you link hell and earth together, like they're the same.
Lies are told and faults are made.

Good luck and keep writing!
-KatTrain

I'm sorry, but majority of this was just repetition in which you slightly change one sentence or two. You could have developed this more and added more interesting elements to make this stand out more and not rely on the "is a bad place, stay here for awhile" and so forth and so forth.

It started off very well, but then turned into what I described above.

It's a bit dull. I agree with LiesOnLies. I would have liked it if you would have expanded on it all instead of that repitition. Sometimes it's good to use it, but this is not one of those times. I'd work on the substance of the poem before using repitition. Sometimes it doesn't even make any sense. Use one narrator or indicate that there is more than one.

-Nana

I agree with Liesonlies and Paperbackheart that it was a bit dull and that almost all of it was repetition. As far as grammatical errors, I don't think I caught any, but I still believe that you should spice it up a bit and not use the repeating lines. I see what you were trying to do with the repetition, but it didn't quite fit. Other than that, I really liked the idea and I think it's a great start to a great poem! Keep writing!

Hey Demoness,

Repetition, by itself, isn't a bad thing--they're a good way to add emphasis or drive a theme forward, and can serve for form (cf. for example villanelles), but it's a delicate line between them having a point and just getting stale.

The problem here is that you don't bring anything that's really new as you go: you're just recycling the earlier ideas and turns of phrases and add just enough of a change that it's not simply a copy-paste. It's a good start, but you could do a lot more with this: set the ideas into more of a contrast, weaving said contrast into your hell/heaven theme to make the final blending stronger, or make it a cycle, or a spiral--something, anything.

The fun thing with poetry is that you're allowed to take risks that prose rarely allows: take advantage of it and push past those overused phrases that mean nothing.

Hope this helps.

Haha, thing is this is a song I wrote and the repetition is there because it's the refrain I'm aware it's a bit dull and not my greatest work but I just wanted to post it anyways. Thanxx everyone for the great reviews though! xD

Heaven’s a bad place to be,
At least if you're as broken as me.
If the tears you cry are fake,
and lying and cheating is all you make. -- perhaps replace "faults" with this? or you could use its synonym, "mistake" -- 'to make mistakes' is a valid expression.

Don’t go, please stay a little longer here.
I know there’s pain and there is fear,
but here mistakes are not a shame.
Lies are told; mistakes are made.

Hell’s a bad place to be,
At least if you’re as broken as me.
If the tears you cry are real,
and if telling the truth is your deal


Earth is a good place to be,
at least if you’re as broken as me.
For real or pretending, if you ever cry,
if you tell the truth, if you tell a lie.

Not as bad as those above me said, it could be nice if placed in a song. But you have to add more imagery.

WOO!

This is a superb poem! i love what you were going for here, and it is quite cynical in a way, which speaks directly to me

However, the only thing that i don't particularlly like is the repetition of the same stanza, i rarely think they add to the piece and here i think they become a nuisance.

I disagree with kat's comments about the first stanza, i think that stanza is the best. I think everything was well enough explained and if it's explained too much it is no longer a poem.

I really liked this. . . well done
If you need anything let me know!

~Retro disco666

I read it, and thought you had a cool message. As poems go, there's generally not much to say, except Keep Writing!