Daddy

Have you ever wondered
About your baby girl?

if she loved to play
Or sing aloud?

If she smiled all day,
Or cried at night.

I've always tried to be on my best
wishing someday,
you'd come back for me.

Your baby girl
is all grown up
tonight.

18 came runnin' around
and you
couldn't keep up.

have you ever thought?
about birthday cards
and christmas morning?


You got to walk away,
leave everything
behind.

You never said
"I love you."
never kissed me goodnight

i thought I did something wrong,
that I made you leave,
But I realize, it wasnt me.

but it's okay,
I walked away
and never looked back.

I know, in the depth of night
sometimes I'll cry
you away.

i'll take away
all my
pain.

I know,
I'll never be able to
Forgive.

I'll never forget
you.
will you forget me?

will you act
like i never
happened?

sixteen years
and it still hurts
everyday

its a constant pain
to see,
you walked away.

I hate you.
I love you.
I miss you.

But you.
will never
know me.

You'll never
walk me down the
aisle.

You never stayed
up late when
i was sick.

you never
will get the chance
to say, goodbye.

Your Daughter,
Has lost the want of a father.
She never had.

You'll never meet
Mr.Right.

do you even know my
favorite color?
or even my day of life?

is it all a mystery
to the man
inside you?

who never knew what to do?
You never learn
from your mistakes
they affect everyone else.

Ilearned to grow
without your love
and protection.

You were never there.
and you never
will be.

You didn't think
about me,
Seemed like you didn't care.

all you did was
think
about you.

now i have to
grow up
all alone

with no one
to call
daddy

aren't you glad
you've never met me?

This is really touching and easy to read.

from your mistakes.
that affect everyone else.

here, you should either take away the period after 'mistakes' or replace the 'that' with they. "they affect everyone else"
Of course, you don't have to do any of this, seeing as it's your work.

But that's about all I noticed. This was very sweet. Bravo ( :

This was really touching, I think I'm gonna go hug my Dad now haha It's brilliant in its simplicity really. Do you do any other kinds of writing? Like short stories?If not I really think you should have a go!

Wow, this is touching.

Can I ask, is this true?

Any way one nitpick.

do you even know our
favorite color?
or even our day of life?

You seem to jump from you (the narrator) to 'our' as in 'us'(presumably your brothers and sisters?)

Anyway I found this change a little jarring. Not sure maybe I am wrong.

Other than that, it seems pretty good. Well done.

This was really good! It was an easy read, it flowed very well, and there weren't very many grammatical mistakes if any! There is one thing though. I have to say that I agree with joshuapaul that you moved from "I" to "our" a little bit too fast. You might want to introduce the other person (I assume it's your sister) earlier in the poem before you jump straight into saying "our". That's all I could find fault with! Great job! BRAVO

I thought this was a touching piece and I definitely felt sympathy.

The stanzas, though... Sometimes, I feel they are misplaced. I know, multiple stanzas can form one sentence, but sometimes I feel they break off too much, in the wrong places.

Other than that, I really liked this piece and I hope you enjoyed it too- an artist's work is only great if the artist them self believe it as well.

It's a very nice poem and it pulls at the heartstrings. I feel a lot of your pain, and I am truely sorry that you went through that. However I have some nitpicks throughout the poem.

Have you ever wondered?
About your baby girl?
if she loved to play
Or sing aloud?
If she smiled all day
Or cried at night.

First off, the first if should be capitalized. Second, aloud is a strange word. I would change it to something else. Bit that's my preference, feel free to ignore it. The last punctuation mark should also be a question mark. Other than that, it was a very good first stanza and my favorite stanza.

Your baby girl
is all grown up
tonight.
18 came runnin' around
and you
couldn't keep
up.

The breaks in this are a bit strange, but alright I suppose. Anyway, my main nitpick in this would be why would it say "Your baby girl" because in the poem it's obvious that he's absent and that is a term of affection. But don't take that seriously, I would write the same if it was my poem. Also "18 came runnin' around" is a strange line. I think you should change it by writing out 18, otherwise it just looks weird.

have you ever thought?
about birthday cards
and christmas morning?

Alright, you need to capitalize the first word in this stanza and also "christmas". You also need to change "morning" to plural. The first line does not need a question mark. Save that for the end. Those are the grammatical issues with this stanza. I have no other nitpicks for this part.

do you even know
our favorite color?
or even our day of life?

First off, capitalization on the first word. Second, you changed it from singular to plural and that was confusing. I would either introduce more than one person in the second stanza or forget it all and stay singular. Thirdly, get rid of the question mark in the second line. Finally, what is "our day of life"? I mean, that line doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Please fix it.

is it all a mystery
to the man
inside you?
who never knew what to do?
You never learn
from your mistakes
they affect everyone else.

CAPITALIZATION! The first word in the first and last line. You got better... The fourth line is not necessary. Get rid of it and stop the random rhyming. It messes with the flow. The sixth line needs a period at the end. I would also get rid of the last line. It's not really necessary to say and the reader can assume that his mistakes affects everyone.

your baby girl
learned to grow
without your love
and protection.

All I can say is the first word needs to be capitalized. That's it.

You were never there.
and you never
will be.

Combine the last line with the second and get rid of the period in the first.

You didn't think
about me or her.

I would change it to "never thought" because it's a bit more impactful. Second it's her or me not me or her. You always go behind the other. I love these lines though! Very impactful!

all you did
was
think
about you.

First word again.

now I have to
grow up
all alone
with no one
to call
daddy

Period and capitalization. Also you jumped again. Either do we or just stay singular.

aren't you glad
you've never met me?

Capitalize. Also, perfect line. I love it. Just needs that at the end.

love you daddy.

Perfect ending line but needs to be capitalized.

This is a great poem, just needs some grammatical changes. Good job! Keep writing this stuff!!!

-Nana

Wow..I loved this. Mainly because I can relate to it. My father was never around and I only once got to speak to him on the phone (but he only wanted to speak to my older brother)..anyway, my father was a drunk and he died in 1999 and a lot of the "questions" in this poem are a lot of the questions I would have loved to ask my father..if he hadn't died.

Morning, Amber. I’ll be quick with this.

So, while this obviously conveys a strong blast of daddy issues (don’t we all have ‘em), it doesn’t do much for me because, to be honest, it doesn’t go beneath the surface of cathartic talking. See, you can read this aloud and it’d sound like you’re talking to your daddy and all that jazz, but you’re not really doing any justice for your reader because you’re not making a poem out of it, if that makes sense.

Now, you give a few licks at scenes and images—birthday cards, Christmas morning, etc.—but you fail to delve into these moments that could really make this poem worth something more than just you being able to breathe easy.

So the deal is that I want to challenge you to—not rewrite—but reshape this. Begin developing ideas around your little sparks of scenes and emotions and see what kind of power you can give this. You have a good foundation—I’ll give you that. But there needs to be more.

Moving on, I want to bark about line breaks and punctuation/capitalization for a minute.

Do you break your lines intentionally? Because there are points throughout the piece that feel almost like dry heaving in my head due to the frequent and inconsistent line breaks. Read it out loud. You’ll know what I mean.

Go through and edit your capitalization and punctuation and make it accurate. Either use it right or leave it out—the choice is ultimately yours. I suggest using it, but using it correctly.

Finally, I’d like to ask about your ending. It comes out of nowhere, and you give us no reason for her to say that she loves her daddy. You’ve given him no redeeming qualities and no hints as to the girl’s personality that would give me the idea that she would love him. Consider that while editing.

Let me know if you have questions,

-Lumi

Hellou, I'm Demoness and here's my review of your touchy little poem xD

Easy to read, simple but full of emotion! - Yep that's pretty much what I gather from this. I think it was beautiful and captures the emotions and feelings that the absence of your/the narrators father causes.
Allthough... You've completely forgotten a little thing called punctuation!! And I was a bit bugged with the changes in the way you built up your stanzas, but overall it was a nice poem

Hope I brought you some help at least )

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Hugs and Hearts from Demoness

This is sweet...I wanted to cry when I read it! I didn't quite understand who the narrator was in the beginning, but the ending and title helped me clear that up. I couldn't quite grasp who you intended the "our" and "us" to be...maybe siblings, or the mother? And I didn't understand what you meant by "our day of life." I figured it was the narrator/daughter's birthday. All in all, this is very touching and sentimental. Never stop writing.

I liked it. It was very touching. Great work!

While this is a powerful and emotional piece it's one i've heard dozens of times before and there's no much here t seperate it from the pack. I do like the stylistic choice of lacking caps and punctuation and I find that it really enhances the flow of the piece, which is otherwise a tad scattershot for me, it just reads like a note, not any form of poetry.

Still, while it is incredibly cliche you manage to pull over this crutch with strong emotion and some powerful and well worded phrases that cut deep. I don't want you to think I'm insensitive, in fact my own fathe rleft before I was born, but I'm viewing this from a purely literary stance.

I see even more potential from this solid piece and look forward to reading more from you.

Hi there!!!

Ok, I have to start out by saying that this poem is absolutely stunning. I have heard many a friend talk about their feelings towards the father they never knew, and this poem is so completely eloquent in the way those emotions are portrayed. You somehow managed to pack it all into a nutshell, and that, my friend, takes some amazing skill.

Ok, now for the nitpicky part.

You should probably watch your line breaks (which has already been mentioned before, but i'm repeating it because it is very important). I used to have the choppiest lines in my poetry and I claimed it was an artistic choice, but then when I went back and really looked at it, I realized that the choppy lines made for awkward reading, and since then i've gone back and edited pretty much every single one of them.

Also:

Have you ever wondered?
About your baby girl?

Please please PLEASE go back and rework those question marks. It occurs in other parts of the poem as well, but I'm sure you can find those on your own.

I'm sorry, it goes against the grain of my soul to be harsh, but I do it for the betterment of those around me and never to be hurtfully critical. (I'm adding this little bit because I know I hate criticism... even constructive criticism.) So know that overall I think this is a beautiful poem and that you should definitely keep up the good work!!! (And congratulations for making it to the index page. )

~Molly

You seems to be very depress. If this poem is ever based from reality, then I am so sorry for you. The poem was very touching. Easy to read but it lacks a lot of formality. Were you in a rush? No capitalization and the structure of the lines was AWEFUL. So awful that if this was not easy to read, I would have changed the webpage. One line was like what? One word. It doesn't even have the same amount of syllables from the others lines. Read it as a sentence, and it was perfection. Read it as a poem, it sucks.