Dreams of Dead Worlds

WOW. Incredible work, wicked imagery, extremely well written. The emotions are very prominent, and the poem has that dark, wicked beauty to it...well done!

As for critiquing, I couldn't really find much wrong with this! It's horribly lovely:)

Swift darkness splits the bleached earth

Sanity’s edge slips over the precipice

My favorite lines:) keep it up!

Hello there Eloquent,

Let me start by saying that you have written a very eloquent poem. I quite enjoyed this piece, especially the imagery that you made. It was quite beautiful. I also loved the juxtaposition of the first word and last word of every set of stanzas. It was refreshing, new, and well thought out.

In means of corrections. I feel punctuation could be looked at. It seems to me that you got a little lazy with this towards the end. I shall point out what I mean as I mark this piece up! From this point on, red=corrections, maroon=favorites, purple=my thoughts/suggestions, and then I shall give my overall opinion.

Snow Technically speaking, there should probably be a comma or semicolon after all of these. That said, I don't think you should. Just thought I'd point it out in any case, and leave it up to you.
It falls like ash,
And death enters into the world. I was a bit confused to start, but it made sense as I continued, and I loved that it ended the same way.

The first flakes touch the surface,
Brushing against hardened ground;
Awake

Life
It comes through this,
Sudden rising pressure, something draws near

Swift darkness splits the bleached earth,
The fringes of light,
Fade

Falling
Down into the black,
All matter is drowning in it.

Sanity’s edge slips over the precipice, I don't know that precipice is the correct word choice here.
A hole, swallowed up;
Pain

Stillness
Only the shadows remain,
So this, at last, is death.

The hollowness of the tunnel emerges,
I feel like an and needs to be added here. Drops into blanketed forests.
Moon

Resurrection
Light is shinning above,
The night of nights passes away;

Drifting down to touch the dream,
Over blue hewn ground,
Dance This part seemed awkward to me.

Sun
Reigning over the horizon,
Harsh and cruel, melting the snow;

Destroying the frost, ice, and air,
The clouds are gone,
Shattered

Barb
Dust rises from nothing,
The last of the subtle sacrifices.

Driving away the dream’s final hope,
The hammer and noose.
Then... I think a ... is better here.

Snow
It falls like ash,
And death enters into the world.

Overall: Like I said above, I really liked the imagery. The word choice was nice as well. You have a nice poem here, and I really only felt the punctuation was lacking. I pointed a few parts that seemed a little awkwardly worded, or that I just thought could be improved. Overall, good job, and keep writing!

~HostofHorus

Some questions:

Why is this centered? How does this help the poem? Why have one word to a line in every stanza and highlight this even more so with your spacing? Aesthetically you need to consider your attention paid from the reader; the piece itself needs to be look professional and inviting.

Why do let a single word become an image? Why do you use non-descriptive language to elaborate on these words? Are your transitions nominally relevant to each progression? It's as if you make each stanza into the word you lead off with, and you end making lumps and bumps across reading this.

What are the guidelines for the contest? Why are you submitting this to the contest? It would help me get an idea for why you wrote this the way you did.

Also, eschew comments on punctuation. Too many published works have done the same with punctuation, it is ridiculous to think punctuation is THAT integral; you have NOTHING to worry about there. Look at content and design in this poem, because right now, I'm seeing a lot of explaining from you, for you, by you, but nothing that interests me.

There are clearly alot of little things that could be adjusted to fix this thing up a bit but the previous reviewers has all ready pointed out those things so well.. here's what I thought ;D
- ... The stanzas to begin with, was very cool. I've never read a piece written in that way, with one stanza beginning with one word followed by two full... and then the next stanza ending with a word instead.. VERY COOL! I also liked the imagery you used and all. I must say I didn't really get the point or message in this poem though... which is sad cause it also means I wasn't very touched by it. I liked the way it was written, but I which you could make it more meaningful and bring more emotion

Hope I helped!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness