The only way (Edited)

Spoiler

Hey! Thanks for choosing to read this. I have a feeling I'm going to need a lot of help with improving it. This piece is for the 150 word contest. The theme I chose was 'Justifying redemption.' This is the edited version of my entry. The original piece can be found in the spoiler below. Any help will be greatly appreciated. Thanks

Spoiler

I did it for her, pale face and skeletal body.

Peer pressure; fitting in or standing out. Fear of the former got my little girl hooked on drugs. Three years of stealing money. Things going missing. Denial at first. Then heartbreaking realisation.

Grades tumbled. Social life triumphed. The old Lisa never would have smashed the TV in a fit of rage. No more reading books to her brother at bedtime or family weekends.

I should have been watching her graduate at eighteen, not bailing her out for twocking the neighbours car.

Stress turned to anger and resentment. Growing up was cruel to her, falling into nothing. Expectations crumbling. It hurt to watch a part of me fade away.

I wouldn’t see her for six months but rehab seemed the only way. Was it so wrong to want my little Lisa back? See her whole again? I hoped not.

Smashed glass littered the concrete like fragments of her life; wasted and broken. A haze of need and want clouded her judgement as she yanked at the door and reached for the cables. I wondered where she’d learnt to hotwire a car. The answer scared me.

Breath misted the window as I watched the thing I held dearest to me draw another strike against herself.

My heart thumped in my chest at the roar of the engine. A hungry smile lit up her pale, skeletal face. Shattering realisation painted mine. It hurt to watch a part of me choose the wrong path.

My little girl was hooked on drugs.

I should have been watching her graduate at eighteen, not bailing her out for twocking the neighbours car.

She would hate me when I finally forced her into rehab. I cried.

Ah, I want to critique this soooo bad, but something is telling me it's probably not fair for me to help. All I will say is you have done well. As mentioned, you can be fairly liberal about the theme and it all seems implied. I'm just chomping at the bit, it will have to wait I suppose. I hope others give you some good feed back with this, because it's fantastic. Also, keep in mind you can enter up to 3 pieces of the same theme. Other than that, good luck and I really look forward to reading the final product.

JP

This was so cool. It's amazing what you can do with 150 words when you put your mind to it. I had a couple critiques, though:

I did it for her. Her pale face and skeletal body.

This seemed a little...off. I think it would work better here if you made this one combined sentence by replaced the period with a comma here.

Then heartbreaking realisation.

"realisation" is spelled "Realization."

Growing up was cruel to her. Falling slowly into nothing. Expectations crumbling.

Again, the off-ness. Maybe, as well as a change in punctuation, a slight change in wording? "Growing up was cruel to her, she fell into nothing. Expecations crumbled."

This was so heartfelt and real-sounding. You put a lot of thought into this. I could clearly see the anguish of a (and if this isn't the way you wrote it, please forgive ) father watching their daughter turn away like this. It nearly made me cry. I haven't seen any other entries to this contest, but even so I think you have a chance! Well done, very well done!

I'm also part of this contest and see that we have two clearly different topics, haha. Not being sure what exactly you're talking about, I'll critique it as best I can.

First of all, I'd like to say that it's interesting how you started and ended with the same thought. Very nice.

"Pale face and skeletal body." I'm afraid that this doesn't really register with me.. I mean, it describes her well, but why is she so thin?

Other than that, this was a sad piece to read. Really touching, with a subtle tinge of anger towards her lifestyle. Something like this is best in small doses, but too much would cause depression, so I like that there's a word limit here ;D
--Brandon
Xoxo

You reviewed my flash fiction, so I am here to reciprocate.

Okay, so flash fiction is in my opinion the most difficult type of writing there is. With 150 words you have even less time than I had and I suffered tremendously.

In flash fiction a whole different set of rules apply to normal fiction. Because of the brevity of the piece you need to astound your reader with your presentation. This means lyrical or otherwise shocking prose. It means exposition that tells your story without the use of words. Images take up far less space. It means leaving out history and keeping your story very tight together.

Now, I know you are a tremendous story teller, but you more than anyone have been ruthlessly robbed of your toolkit here. You rely on strong character interactions to guide your prose. You rely on stories that are filled with tension. This is literally impossible to do under such constraining conditions.

The problem is that you still try. You need to leave your comfort zone and paint pictures. You have to switch from narration to art. Your story is good, but it needs more time to tell and it feels cramped and rushed as it stands.

I suggest focusing on an individual scene.

Hope this helped!

Okay, let's go.

I will critique the spoiler too.

I like the title, but I'm not sure if you have utilised this handy little aspect fully. I mean you don't need to be direct about it, when bridging the title and the theme. You can be vague and subtle, allusive and when the reader finishes the story they will be like, 'Oh gosh how clever!' It's good as is, but could be a little better. Let's get stuck in shall we?

xDudettex wrote:
I did it for her, pale face and skeletal body.

'Did what?! tell me now! '

The best first line I have read in a while. It's such a rare thing, a compelling and exciting first line. I think intro's are my forte so when I say this is good, it means it is great, brilliant in fact. Because I am relentless when critiquing intro's. So well done, nice hook.

Peer pressure; fitting in or standing out.

This is good but it feels like the semi colon is a bit hard, distracting. I over use commas and frequently incorrectly use semi colons so I might be wrong. But neither side of the semi colon is a complete sentence alone, so I don't think this is right. This line is great otherwise, concise and well weighted.

Fear of the former got my little girl hookedon drugs.

What a strange metaphor. Heart hooked on drugs? Don't get me wrong it reads poetically, but doesn't make sense at a second glance. I would get rid of 'on drugs' as you probably imply it later in the piece. Be subtle.

Three years of stealing money.

Drug addicts seldom steal 'money.' My old flat mate was one, he stole a few of my things and sold them to his dealer. I didn't notice them missing for literally months and finally he called me after he had moved out and his parents had intervened in his addiction/lifestyle - he explained what he stole and how it was wrong and offered to purchase the items for me. Cool story Josh, I know. My point is, drug addicts are desperate. They don't settle for money to steal, even if they still live with their parents, money isn't readily available for most, so items are easier to steal and sell. They are generally relentless and over three years I guarantee you your MC would be enticed to steal more than money to fuel the addiction.

The old Lisa never would have smashed the TV in a fit of rage.

This is a bizarre image. It's almost laughable, I am literally smiling as I type this. Why on earth the TV? I can't pinpoint it but there is something so strange happening here. This inane image of a little girl hurling a huge TV in the ground. 'Fit of rage' is also so cliché. Your prose is brilliant, that's why this stands out so bad.

'The old lisa would be a sobbing mess...'

Something like that would make a lot more sense and you won't have readers, stopping to reread and read again. Puzzled by this image.

I should have been watching her graduate at eighteen, not bailing her out for twocking the neighbours car.

Nice work.

Stress turned to anger and resentment. Growing up was cruel to her, falling into nothing. Expectations crumbling. It hurt to watch a part of me fade away.

You build it up nicely, I'm tempted to say this is over descriptive, because you do harp on a bit.

I wouldn’t see her for six months a while but rehab seemed the only way. Was it so wrong to want my little Lisa back? See her whole again? I hoped not.


Okay I haven't even got to the story and I am exhausted. So I will be quick from now on - I have 24 others to get through today!

Smashed glass littered the concrete like fragments of her life; wasted and broken. A haze of need and want clouded her judgement as she yanked at the door and reached for the cables. I wondered whereI didn't want to know where she’d learnt to hotwire a car. The answer scared me.

Breath misted the window as I watched the thing I held dearest to me draw another strike against herself. ( nice work here)

My heart thumped in my chest at the roar of the engine. A hungry smile lit up her pale, skeletal face. (this image is almost haunting, nice work) Shattering realisation painted mine. ( don't like this cause he can't see himself, have him glance at his reflection in the review mirror perhaps?) It hurt to watch a part of mechoose the wrong path. (Cliche find something better)

My little girl was hooked on drugs.(we learn in two lines that it is drugs, leave this vague, it will all make sense at the conclusion.)

I should have been watching her graduate at eighteen, not bailing her out for twocking the neighbours car.

She would hate me when I finally forced her into rehab. I cried.
She would hate me, but rehab was the only thing left. I cried.

Great work, I love this. You have done well with the prompt, I wouldn't call the drug plot unique, but the fathers perspective is fresh and intriguing. Well done and good luck!

P.S - Your edit is much much better than the original!