Relief takes time

Stuck here
His worst fear
Not satisfied
Feeling always tied

...Dark as charcoal
Still chasing his goal
Strong thunder
NEVER surrender

His belief
his relief
his composition
his ammunition

Chained
Drained
Detained

Then rained

Pain chains the brain
Ignorance always disdain

then Plane takes flight and ends the fight

I love this poem, but I have just a few critiques.

n1o2u3r4 wrote:Stuck here
His worst fear
Not satisfied
Feeling always tied I think you should make this Always feeling tied. It flows better.

...Dark as charcoal
Still chasing his goal
Strong thunder
NEVER surrender I love this line.

His belief
his relief
his composition
his ammunition

Chained
Drained
Detained

Then rained

Pain chains the brain
Ignorance always disdain

then Plane takes flight and ends the fight I don't quite understand what Plane is.

Overall it is an awesome poem, you did an excellent job of writing it. Congratulations, on a great poem.

This is pretty good I think

one thing should 'tied' be 'tired' ?

I really like this but I don't understand the bit about the plane. I understand how you show determination and yet a slight sadness which is really powerful!
Great Work! x

Hello.

I think what this really needs something more tangible. You had a lot of attempt at imagery in the poem like being stuck, charcoal, chains-- something I suppose that resembles a prison. I just think you didn't explore it enough. You could have extended your description so that the reader would have something more to see. I find this poem really scattered at the moment. It just needs to ground itself on an image more. Right now it just seems to hint at a feeling of being trapped. More description would make this more vivid and make it clearer for the reader.

I find the formatting of this poem doesn't help either. The ellipsis at the beginning of the seconds stanza is unnecessary and out of place. It only serves to destroy the reader's momentum. Capitalizing NEVER is also really jarring.

Your last line, I get as the declaration of finding freedom, finally. It just doesn't fit with the rest of your imagery in the poem. I'm sure you can find a better way of ending it. The plane metaphor for freedom is expected and thus, cheesy.

I like your concept. I really think it could be developed.

I'd love to read more from you.

--Nixie