Expiration Date - Prologue

© 2011 by Payne

Spoiler

This is a very rough first draft. Feel free to tear it to pieces.

The little girl sat quietly, playing with a well-worn ragdoll. Her brown eyes held a rather vacant gaze, as though her thoughts were far away.

Indeed, she was listening to the conversation that was taking place in the white stucco house a few feet away.

“Natural causes?” her mother hissed. “So you think it’s all just a strange coincidence? That they all died of ‘natural causes’ within months of each other?”

A man replied quietly, “Are you looking for a conspiracy theory? There was no sign of harm! Admit it, Rebecca, maybe our days are numbered.”

The little girl frowned slightly, the doll pausing as it trotted across a rock embedded in the grass. She’d heard people say that in the movies, but wasn't entirely clear on what it meant.

Before she could think any more on this half-understood topic, she heard her mama say a bad word and tell the man to leave.

Soon, the door opened and the girl quickly resumed play; she was young, but she wasn’t dumb.

The small, gray-haired man walked across the yard, waving to her as he passed. He slid into his shiny white car, backed down the driveway, and was gone.

Soon, her mama came out and knelt beside her. “Hey, Lil, having fun?”

“Uh-huh. Who was that man?”

There was a pause. “Just a salesman. They’re sure annoying, aren’t they?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Are you hungry? I was making lunch before the salesman showed up.”

“Okay.”

Rebecca Allister walked into the house with her six-year-old daughter, blissfully unaware that the girl had just eavesdropped on her whispered conversation—through stucco, insulation, and plaster, while sitting ten feet away from the house.

Wow. This is really really REALLY intriguing. And it definitely starts out with the right amount of "umph" to actually keep the interest of the reader past the first few paragraphs.

As I was reading, I found that it flows very smoothly, which is great. And I'm immediately drawn to the little girl's character, I think her name was Lil? For a six year old simply playing with a doll in the beginning, she's pretty darn interesting. And that takes good writing, for we only find out that she is truly abnormal with your very last sentence, which is a great way to end this excerpt by the way.

The short, gray-haired man walked across the yard, waving to her as he passed. He got in his shiny white car, backed down the driveway, and was gone.

These two sentences were the only ones that made me stop and go into editing mode while I was reading. You do not need a comma after 'short', and by removing it I personally feel the sentence would flow better. Also, it was a question of whether the man was waving to the little girl, or the mother? Lastly, I think you should replace the word 'got' in the second sentence. That word reads as highly elementary. Maybe you could change it to something like "He opened the door to his shiny white car, slid smoothly inside, and backed down the driveway. The young girl stared until the car was gone." Or something, haha.

All in all, I encourage you to keep writing! I honestly want to know who the man was, why this little girl has the ability to listen so clearly through all those layers, and why the mother is hiding things from her. A great story causes the reader to ask questions, and you've obviously done that. Definitely message me when you put the next installment out, I'd be delighted to read it.

P.S. I'm totally checking out more of your stories, if you have any. Your writing style is easy and appealing. : )

- girlwithquestions

The little girl frowned slightly, the doll pausing as it trotted across a rock embedded in the grass. She’d heard people say that in the movies. When she’d asked her mama what it meant, she’d said that the people were in some sort of danger.

The sentence in blue is a tad awkward, and almost unneeded.

Soon, the door opened and the girl quickly resumed play; she was young, but she wasn’t dumb.

I particularly loved this sentence.

“Uh-huh.” Lily put just the right amount of emphasis to show that everything was normal.

This is another sort of awkward, unneeded sentence.

Alright. These are all just suggestions, of course. No need to change anything if you like it. When I read your spoiler and it said "feel free to tear it to pieces" I got a bit excited. But there wasn't really anything to tear to pieces. I really liked this, it was captivating and mysterious. The way a prologue ought to be. It definitely makes me want to read the story, and isn't that part of what a prologue is for?

This is a really good start because you managed to catch the attention of your readers.It caught my attention. I'm a little sad that it ended so quick because it was so interesting. I want to know what happens so can't wait till you write Chapter One. Keep writing.

This was a good read. It was simple but still held my attention with enough detail to make your characters feel 3-dimensional, and now you've got a pretty decent hook too. There isn't much to say that wasn't already picked apart, and really there isn't much to stress over, so I'll just say this this was a good start. If you keep up with your story, feel free to message me so I can keep reading and reviewing.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Oh, wow. This definitley makes me want to carry on. And I love the tension you create in the conversation. Interesting xD

The thing I liked most about this was the fact you captured the six-year-old's voice so well. I believed she was six. And that's really hard to do, from past experience.

No grammatical errors whatsoever. As you said it was a rough draft, I tried to find some, I really did, but I couldn't. There just weren't any.

Anyhow, if you've posted it, I'm going to go and read the next bit.