Down In The Deep

I wrote this piece for my love, my heart. The first two stanzas match up, the last two aren't supposed to fit, the feel changes.

I’ll watch you drown.
As your hands stretch out,
Waiting for my own hands to fill them.
To pull you from your watery grave,
Your sinking ship, your deathly fate.

I’ll watch you drown.
Instead of reaching out,
I bite my lip, my tears mixing
With the flood of pain that surrounds you,
Your sinking ship, your deathly fate.

I’ll reach down.
And you pull your hands away,
It’s your way of making me feel
The pain that consumes you.
You make me suffer,
Because that is our love.

Our hearts beat, one solid sound.
Our blood seeps, one vibrant pool.
My heart breaks, as yours ceases to beat.
I’ll drown with you, blood, and love, and heat.

this poem is so amazing. the imagery and the way its written. I love the last two stanzas, though, those were full of good imagery, like the other two, but I just felt the emotion more in the last two. This poem needs to have lots of likes, because its the kind of poem we can all relate to, in a way. I loved reading it, and I'm still a little dazed from it. Keep writing!!!!

Dang... I don't know what to say. That's a beautiful poem. It was very...I don't know. It was amazing.

Wow....would it be cheezy for me to say that this poem pretty much blew my mind? It drew me in at the first sentence and all of the sudden I felt myself sinking with the characters. AMAZING imagery! This is purely beautiful writing! The last stanza especially gave me chill! Your are reaaaalllllyyyy amazing! Keep it up!

P.S. May I again say....Wow!

This is going somewhere. This can be something with a little more work.
The change of feeling doesn't need to be announced, because that's what you want the reader to realize on their own, that they're going through, watching a change. It's that old dance: I reach out, you don't reach out, but as soon as I take my hands back, you're there reaching, or at least that's what I get from this. Which is awesome, because it's not usually what love poems focus on. This is something I can identify with, because it's real and it happens, so it's already got that going for it.

I think you really need to focus on making the imagery clearer, though. I feel like you're going for something really strong when you're in this moment:

Our hearts beat, one solid sound.
Our blood seeps, one vibrant pool.

Because to me that evokes this thick pool of blood but there's this heartbeat, this sound strong enough to ripple through it. You know, like when the tyrannosaurus is coming in Jurassic Park so we can see the ripples in the puddles? It's like that, that sudden ripple expansion of the sound, and that's a GORGEOUS image, but maybe that's not even what you were going for, so I'd like you to make your images more clear. Show us the movement, if there are ripples. If there aren't, show us more of the pool. Vibrant? What's that mean? What does it mean if sound is solid? Expand what you're trying to say.

You might find that as you expand, you want to focus on some specific image or cut out something that you thought was necessary before, and that's okay. Let this poem evolve. It's important, and you can make it important AND let it speak to more readers. ( :

Let me know if you have any questions!

Hannah

Hey Tydecker!

So here I am with your prize. I haven't reviewed lots of poetry lately so I hope I can make this worthy.

My favourite part was the last stanza. I love how you only rhymed there in the last two lines, because it made it so much more powerful. It was also my favourite image-wise.

I can't quite put my finger on why I didn't care that much for the other stanzas -- because the poem was different from a lot of other stuff that's out there, and you use quite sturdy language as well. Somehow, though, I wasn't hugely impressed by the rest. And yet, I like it. Curse you for making me so confused!

I guess the biggest problem is that there wasn't anything in this that I hated, or anything that I loved. I liked some parts better than some others, but even so, I wasn't standing in awe of the amazingness of those parts. I'm trying to think of something you could do to make this more effective. One thing that I thought of is that you could maybe try getting in some staccato images/emotions, you know, kind of sudden ones that are like BAM. Because now this is quite slow-paced and draws its feet from the beginning to the end, whereas it should rather march with determination to where it's going.

I realise that this is quite a vague and abstract thing to say, and I'm not sure if I can provide you with any actual suggestions as to how you could do it. I'll definitely let you know if I think of some.

Let me know whenever you need a review!


Demeter
x

It's meee! and... Here comes my opinion!

Okay so... not only are you an amazing novelist but you can write even better Poetry.. You're truly gifted girl! Haha, I loved it anyways, nothing wrong with the rythm, nicely formed stanzas, very good imagery and descriptions and you delivered your story and message perfectly. L O V E:d it

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Wow. This poem was dark, just like the ocean you have portrayed. So to begin with, I liked the tone of this poem. I don't know, perhaps it's just me, but you could have definitely evoked more imagery in the "Vibrant pool" stanza.

Who knows? Maybe this could become a short story if you develop the situation better.

All in all, it's a simply gorgeous poem.

Amazing. You have quite the talent. I can almost picture everything because it all seems so real with the way you described everything. Keep up the good work, tydecker777.