God Comes After

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Eh. This is my first story in English in a long time, so please feel free to point out any spelling/grammatical errors that I have made (I'm sure there are plenty). It's for a contest on here, and basically the guidelines dictate an in-the-flesh encounter with Jesus. If it feels preachy, sorry for offending! =)


God Comes After

Midnight is a terrible time for a cup of coffee.

But every time I breathed I thought of her.

And so I hauled myself to my feet—a little unsteady after all the crying and the drinking—and I followed the hum of the yellow lights in my pickup truck. The roadway flailed beneath me but I did my best. I made it to the door of the gas station with only a little dirt on the knees of my slacks.

Becca would have laughed at me, sorry sight that I was. She would’ve got that little crease across the bridge of her nose, between her sharp brown eyes.

“Don’t cry,” she would’ve said. Like I was being ridiculous.

I didn’t cry. Not right away. My eyes stayed dry even at the funeral. Everybody stood around feeling sorry for eachother, cried their big, ungrateful tears, and forgot all about Becca, getting colder in her casket. That should have been the worst part: the funeral.

I took a sip of my coffee.

It should have gotten better.

Only it didn't. The bathroom still smelled like her shampoo. I could still trace her outline, there, in that little green chair she wouldn’t let me get rid of. We used to fight about that chair. It was still all frayed along the seams, spitting foam onto the carpet whenever I moved it.

“I like it,” Becca had said.

And so it stayed.

So did the gun.

We used to fight about that, too. Those were the serious fights, and they didn’t finish with laughter or even with Becca’s broad, soft smile. But she was scared and I was bull-headed, so in the end it had found a home on the top shelf of my closet.

It was in my glove compartment, now. I had undone the safety in the parking lot—my fingers numb with cold.

I had written a note, too. I left it on the counter. Becca could read it if she ever wandered home again, disheveled and breathless, laughing at the joke she’d played. My stomach tightened and I let it pass.

The bottom of my cup came quickly, and the last few drops were bitter on my tongue. The thin, sharp taste lingered for a while before it dissipated. The warmth of the drink left my belly slowly, creeping up behind my eyes when I rose to my feet. The tears stung.

It was with singular, stoic purpose that I pushed the glass door open, eyes already fixed on the bumper of my truck. So when my vision swung up at the sky, and the dull impact of the frozen ground thrashed along my spine, it took me a long moment to recover myself.

The man at my feet groaned and I instinctively flinched away. Yes, there was a man there, and he peeled back layers of stiff blankets to peer out at me. His eyes were red and tired under a mane of matted hair. Something in me ached. We stared at each other for a long moment before I recovered myself enough to apologize for tripping over him.

“Can I buy you a coffee?”

It was a stupid question, but he wordlessly accepted, and the grime on his face cracked to make way for a gentle smile. He stood behind me as I ordered, and the clerk pointedly ignored him, handing me a pair of coffees and twitching his mouth into a frown.

“What’s your name?” I asked the man as he settled in the chair across from me. He put his elbows on the small round table—pressed his hands against the warm outside of the cup.

“Jesus,” he said amiably, raising a dark eyebrow.

I grinned at him, but swallowed the laugh that swelled in my chest. A sadness crept into the man’s eyes but he said nothing.

“Good coffee?” I changed the subject, gesturing to his cup. He smiled and nodded, drawing it closer and taking a deep, indulgent sip. As he did so, I noticed a pair of dark circles on the backs of his hands, but he caught my eye before I could look closer. He tucked his fingers into the sleeves of his shirt and winked at me.

“Some people like tea,” the man said suddenly. His eyes were fixed to mine, unblinking. "I could never stand the stuff."

I nodded.

“My wife—“

She hates coffee, I was going to say, but it snagged in my throat and I coughed…took a breath.

“Yea,” I said. “I like coffee too.”

“Your wife,” the man said, as though I hadn’t spoken. I looked up at him, angry for saying it out loud. He was studying my wedding band.

I grunted.

“Nice lady?” the man asked.

“Yes,” I said flatly.

The man's eyes gleamed, and he leaned forward as though he hadn't heard me.

“She was very nice,” I repeated firmly.

“Ah,” the man said, understanding. He leaned back in his chair and I pressed my shoulder against the wall on my left. “So she left you, huh?”

“No,” I said.

The man looked puzzled.

“Oh,” he said, and took another gulp of coffee.

We were silent like that, for a little while, until I set my cup down and looked at the man across from me. There was something about his eyes that I recognized, something that made the words come easily. I thought about the gun again and I took a deep breath.

“She died,” I explained.

Jesus waited, and the words came.

“We were in a car accident,” I mumbled. I drew a few small circles on the table with my fingertips. I shrugged and cleared my throat again. “She didn’t suffer.”

“You don’t believe that,” Jesus said.

I shook my head slowly.

And that’s when the tears came: great, wracking sobs that shook my body. I brought the palms of my hands to rest on my shoulders and curled myself inward as the pain radiated from my chest. I felt my lips pull back from my teeth and a soft keening sound filled my ears.

It took me a long time to find my breath again.

“I prayed about it,” I whispered.

Jesus’s face became strained and he let out a slow, sad breath.

“I know,” he said softly. He pulled something from his pocket and handed it to me. It was a slip of paper. It was mangled and grubby, but the writing on it was mine and I flung it away when I realized what it was. "Why did you write that?" Jesus asked me. When I looked up at him, I could see the tears at the edges of his eyes. Embarassed, I looked down at my hands--at the suicide note.

"I can't do this," I said.

"You can."

"Then I won't," I breathed.

Jesus reached across the table, then, and even as I pulled away he brushed his hand against my temple. A sudden, overwhelming sense of lightness overcame me. The burn of the coffee in my stomach returned, and abruptly evolved into a shocking contentment. My vision faded white around the edges, and Becca's perfume drifted around me in a smoky haze. Superceding it, the high, delighted voices of children cut through the brightness.

I gasped when the blackness returned.

Slowly, the convenience store swam back into view. Jesus was leaned back in his chair, watching me thoughtfully.

"What was that?" I demanded.

"A gift," he said.

"You can die," he continued softly. "But if you stay, this waits for you. Her memory, your children, and those feelings that you think are gone forever." Then, even quieter, he murmured: "She is not coming back. But she would want you to stay." He leaned toward me again, and this time I didn't shrink from him. The gun rapped gently on the table as he set it down.

"Your decision," he whispered.

I looked at the weapon thoughtfully, and then reached for it. The metal was cold in my hands, but there was still a tug as I stretched to one side and dropped it into the wastebasket. I took one last glance at Jesus, but he was already slumped forward over the table, snoring loudly. His mouth hung open, displaying a row of rotted and missing teeth. I hesitated, and then slipped a ten-dollar bill under his fingertips. Just in case.
Данијела (Dani)




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I like to story. It was different from most stories about Jesus. Most portray him as beautiful and perfect in looks. I kind of like how you portray him as a person that not many people who want to talk to, like in Isaiah 53:3 -He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.- I loved your message in this story. I liked it.

God bless you.
'I will only add, God bless you.' - Fitzwilliam Darcy, Pride and Prejudice




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I didn't notice any striking language errors. You're leagues above many other native English speakers ;)

Midnight is a terrible time for a cup of coffee.

I like the hook. It gives us the time of day and the state of mind of the narrator.

I followed the hum of the yellow lights in my pickup truck

I'm not sure what you're saying here. He's walking towards the gas station, right?

She would’ve got that little crease across the bridge of her nose, between her sharp brown eyes.

I like that little note. It's the little things we remember in the end.

feeling sorry for eachother

"each other." Two words.

Everybody stood around feeling sorry for eachother, cried their big, ungrateful tears, and forgot all about Becca, getting colder in her casket

Something about the tense bothers me, even though this is technically correct. Technically, what you're saying is
"Everybody stood...cried their tears...and forgot about Becca, getting colder."
But what I read is:
"...feeling sorry, cried their tears, and forgot about Becca, getting colder."
Because of the phrasing just prior to the comma ("feeling sorry"), I subconsciously came to expect a list of "[verb]ing." No big deal, though. Just a little thought.
Also, you may need another word or two in there.
"forgot all about Becca, getting colder."
Maybe a "who was" or lose the comma (as in "forgot about Becca getting colder in her casket.") Just another little thought.

That should have been the worst part: the funeral.
I took a sip of my coffee.
It should have gotten better.

Interrupting with "I took a sip of coffee" steals a little bit of the power from "It should have gotten better."

Becca could read it if she ever wandered home again, disheveled and breathless, laughing at the joke she’d played.

That's a great line.

It was with singular, stoic purpose that I pushed the glass door open, eyes already fixed on the bumper of my truck. So when my vision swung up at the sky, and the dull impact of the frozen ground thrashed along my spine, it took me a long moment to recover myself.

The man at my feet groaned and I instinctively flinched away. Yes, there was a man there, and he peeled back layers of stiff blankets to peer out at me. His eyes were red and tired under a mane of matted hair. Something in me ached. We stared at each other for a long moment before I recovered myself enough to apologize for tripping over him.

Before I got to the end of this, I stopped to reread the first paragraph a couple times, then cautiously proceeded line by line. It takes far too long for the reader to learn that he tripped over someone and you risk losing the reader's mood to confusion.

Something in me ached.

Physically or emotionally? Not sure if this line contributes anything stuck in the middle there.

“Can I buy you a coffee?”

So...did the narrator apologize to the homeless guy or was that the first thing he said? If it's the first thing he said, it lacks in realism.

I noticed a pair of dark circles on the backs of his hands

Nice little side note, but you may be revealing a little too much too early. It's better if the reader doesn't believe it's Jesus until he starts doing supernatural stuff.

“Yes,” I said flatly.
...
“She was very nice,” I repeated firmly.

I'll let you get away with the first adverb, but to quickly use a second adverb to describe how he said it is too much. Adverbs should be used sparingly. It's a cheap way to give flavor to the text, like piling pepper onto a meal. But really, you should let the text and the mood and the words stand on their own when you can because it's just that much more meaningful when the reader interprets the events. Just like food. Don't rely on the spices too much ;)

There was something about his eyes that I recognized, something that made the words come easily.

This kind of came out of left field. A cheap way to excuse the narrator exposing himself. Either just let the narrator speak freely and let us interpret why or have Jesus prod and goad him a little more.

he let out a slow, sad breath.

How can a breath be "sad"? You've thrown in a qualifier to give us an emotion, but it doesn't really make sense.

"Then I won't," I breathed.

Just leave it as "Then I won't." Putting anything unnecessary around it detracts from the power, the definitiveness of the statement.

A sudden, overwhelming sense of lightness overcame me. The burn of the coffee in my stomach returned, and abruptly evolved into a shocking contentment.

Ehhh. Very deus ex machina. I mean, yeah, I know that it literally is a god solving his problem...but still, it just comes too easy. It cheapens the emotion, the despair, the heartache. It required no effort from the main character at all.

"A gift," he said.

"You can die," he continued softly. "But if you stay, this waits for you.

I would prefer if that were one paragraph.
"[Dialogue,]" he said.
"[Dialogue.]"
instinctively leads one to believe that it's the second person talking. There's no harm in making it one paragraph, though.

dropped it into the wastebasket.

Wait what? There's a waste basket out in the open next to the table in this convenience store/diner? Just a little weird.

I hesitated, and then slipped a ten-dollar bill under his fingertips. Just in case.

I liked the ending.

So yeah. All in all, a well written piece. My main issue is just how easily the problem was overcome. Good luck with the contest!




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Your story was really great and touching. I liked it. The only thing I saw was this:

The road#FF0000 ">way flailed beneath me but I did my best.


But besides that I think you wrote a really great story.
♥unsocialbutterfly♥




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Aw yay! Reviews!

JaneAusten, thanks! I love that verse, and I'm glad that you got something out of the story. It was interesting to write.

sargsauce, haha thank you! I'm still a little rusty on the whole a/the thing but I'm glad you didn't notice anything terrible. I'm going to respond to you in parts since you were so helpful and you brought up a lot of good points.

I'm not sure what you're saying here. He's walking towards the gas station, right?

Ah, yeah, that's an error. I originally had him walking, but switched it so I could put the gun somewhere (the glove compartment). Without it nearby, it isn't easily accessible and I can't justify him thinking about it so intensely.

Something about the tense bothers me, even though this is technically correct. Technically, what you're saying is
"Everybody stood...cried their tears...and forgot about Becca, getting colder."
But what I read is:
"...feeling sorry, cried their tears, and forgot about Becca, getting colder."
Because of the phrasing just prior to the comma ("feeling sorry"), I subconsciously came to expect a list of "[verb]ing." No big deal, though. Just a little thought.
Also, you may need another word or two in there.
"forgot all about Becca, getting colder."
Maybe a "who was" or lose the comma (as in "forgot about Becca getting colder in her casket.") Just another little thought.


I agree about this. I rewrote it a couple of times and I just couldn't seem to find the right wording. But I think this is a solid suggestion and I will try and make it work that way.

A cheap way to excuse the narrator exposing himself.


Ahhhh I just didn't want to write any more dialogue! I'm terrible at dialogue! Haha.

Ehhh. Very deus ex machina. I mean, yeah, I know that it literally is a god solving his problem...but still, it just comes too easy. It cheapens the emotion, the despair, the heartache. It required no effort from the main character at all.


Uh-oh. I didn't make this clear.

His problem hasn't been solved. He is just getting a glimpse of what he could work towards, if he chose to stick around. It's still a choice, and when he "comes back" after getting a little taste of the happiness that he could have, it's not as though he's not upset about Becca anymore. He is just aware of his choice.

Wait what? There's a waste basket out in the open next to the table in this convenience store/diner? Just a little weird.


No? Like in a gas station, they have the little tables and then a trash can off to the side (behind a chair)? I could change that, maybe, I just didn't think about it!

Thanks again!!!
Данијела (Dani)




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The roadway flailed beneath me but I did my best --line reads a little akwardly, almost sounds like he's driving than walking
see her outline, there, (i'd cut the there, it doesn't add anything and reads as if the viewer is beside the narrator)
sorry for eachother - each other
we were silent like that, for a little while -- cut the comma. you do this a couple times, you put commas as if the character is speaking and pausing but a story doesn't work like that, not in description.

I enjoyed the description of jesus as well. I've written several pieces, one about hell, one about death, one about heaven, one about purgatory (all except jesus, which is why I won't be entering this contest lol), all comedies, and I love mixing the perspective view of my religion, but keeping it grounded with respect, which you manage to do here despite the picture of him you paint.

I do agree that the problem is solved far too easily. I like that you left the choice up to the man but usually I forsee more struggle on the part of a protagonist and les intervention from jesus/god in these types of stories, its their burden to face and the lord can only share the load.

I think you have a strong grasp of description here, and while the dialogue is noticeably terse and short it fits well into the story and the characters you create. This was a solid piece and you did good work here. :]



When a flower doesn't bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.
— Alexander Den Heijer