Gone

Spoiler

(150 words)

It was hard to see my father lying the way he was in his hospital bed. Defenseless. The nurse had told me it would only be a matter of minutes, his heart wasn’t strong enough to continue on it’s own. His complexion was ghostly; I had never seen him looking more fragile. Although I knew he would never return it, I gently took hold of his hand and gave it a squeeze. His breath was ragged; with silent, unbearable breaks in between. As his heart slowed down to a near stop, mine continued to beat relentlessly against my ribcage. I closed my eyes tight, waiting. Another long, shuddering breath fell from his lips. I willed myself not to cry. I had to be strong for him. I held my breath as the silence continued to eat at me. When it didn’t come to an end, I knew he was gone.

So sad, so powerful though. I definitely could feel for the narrator. This was quite good, and I did not see any grammatical mistakes, I'm not good at spotting the obscure ones though. I only wish it was a bit longer. Good job.

Nice work

This is a pretty powerful piece you've got here. There is so much emotion and I can just feel the sadness.

It was hard to see my father #FF0000 ">laying the way he was in his hospital bed.

This should be "lying" instead of "laying". To lie means to recline, like I lay in bed looking up at the popcorn ceiling. Lay means to lay something down, like I lay the book mark on the ground.

You are very descriptive with your language, and the picture your words create is really something. Good luck on that flash story contest of yours!

-Crescent

P.S. Your HP twitter post was pretty funny.

This is short but ohso very powerful! I really love this. Great, great work.

Hey Confetti (again)!

This is rather nice for such a short piece! I was just wondering why you used so many adjectives -- with only 150 as the word limit, why use up the precious words for (sometimes) unnecessary description, when you could use them to create an even more powerful story?

It probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense when I say it like this. You probably have heard the six-word story by Hemingway: "For sale: baby shoes, never worn." It has very few words, but it still hits the reader like a mallet and makes him/her think. I was kind of hoping to see the same effect in this. Granted, you have more than six words to use, but even so, make every word count. The setting you have here is - if you will - quite basic, after all.

I'm not saying you didn't execute it well. You're able to convey a lot of emotion in as short a space as this, and for that I thank you. This was a sad work indeed, and I'm sure it's exactly what the contest holder is after. So I wish you the best of luck!


Demeter
x

Wow, Confetti, that really blew me away!
It's such a powerful story for so few words. I can't think of anything bad to say about it. I love the way you used imagery, especially the bits about the rose and hungry snake. It seems so realistic, as if it were actually happening as I read it. You almost made me cry! (And I don't cry easily.) Awesome job!

the snake metaphor doesn't work for me. It's just one too many metaphors and similes in the piece that it distances me from the piece. The strongest points are lines like the end "when the silence didn't end, I knew he was gone". This is heartbreaking, see? People so often find the need to pretty up death and add flowery desriptions of it, but I feel otherwise, it's sharp, sudden, numbing, and a feeling like that gives power to writing, and for the most part I feel you've achieved that here with this piece.

I shut my eyes tightly -- shut my eyes tight
soft pedals of a dying rose --dangerously close to, if not is, cliche. the piece doesn't need lines like this, your writing is strong enough. The silence line and squeezing his hand when he won't return it are great examples.

So overall this is a very solid piece, but in flash fic every word needs to count, and some points are wasted on poetry when we need to connect more with the bond these two shared that is revealed in all too brief a final moment. Edit a bit and it'll be even better than it already is! :]

This is really beautiful, but really sad (I hope this didn't really happen to you, but if it did im sorry ) Anywho, your writing is superb, it almost stopped my heart for a secong :-p I would say that I wish it would be longer, but this is already so powerful in the short form that it is in that I cant bring myself to ask that. This is really great! PLLEEEAAASSEE Keep on writing (on other stuff of course, not this, its perfect. Dont. Touch. It )

This was a nice piece. However, as far as flash fiction goes, you could have better economy of words. You've padded the piece a bit too much in places. Imagine you were given a very limited number of raw materials to build shelter out of to last through the winter, and you decided to spend some of your lumber (and time!) making a bookcase instead of walls.

His ghostly complexion made him appear fragile, much like the soft petals of a dying rose

I gently took hold of his hand and gave it a smallsqueeze

mine continued to beat relentlessly against my ribcage to the point of pain.

I closed my eyes tight, warding off the painful memories that infiltrated my head.

That's 24 words you used on vague/shallow descriptors or adverbs or just phrases that don't add all that much. That's 24 words you could have used on building your walls instead of your bookcases. Fleshing out the depth of the relationship. Giving us some kind of unique insight. 24 doesn't sound like much, but it's 1/6 of your total story. And that was just from a cursory glance.

Anyway, the piece is good because of the pacing. The waiting for the end. I really liked the "heart beating relentlessly" thing. The last line is pointed and fulfills its role well.

As a description of the given event, it's good.
As a flash fiction, though, it lacks creativity and attention to detail.
As a whole, the scenario is kind of generic and not very memorable, though. Deathbed, I'm sad, you're dead, the end. A story we've seen many times before, and there's no new spin on it here.

I like you confetti. And, like a friend, I think I can be completely honest with you. With that in mind I will do away with the sugar coating, I will edit this as brutally as I would edit anyone's work, then explain it all at the end - most of the issues can be summed up so I won't bother talking about them as they come. Let's begin!

confetti wrote:It was hard#FF0000 ">. to see my#FF0000 ">I watched my father lying #FF0000 ">therethe way he was in his hospital bed.#FF0000 ">* Defenseless. The nurse had told me it would only be a matter of minutes, his heart wasn’t strong enough to continue on it’s own#FF0000 ">**. His complexion was ghostly; I had never seen him looking more fragile#FF0000 ">*. Although I knew he would never return it, I gently took hold of his hand and gave it a squeeze. His breath was ragged; with silent, unbearable breaks#FF0000 ">silence in between. As his heart slowed down to a near stop, mine continued to beat relentlessly against my ribcage. I closed my eyes tight#FF0000 ">*, waiting. Another long, shuddering breath fell from his lips. I willed myself not to cry. I had to be strong for him. I held my breath as the silence continued to eat at me. When it didn’t come to an end, I knew he was gone.

Okay for the most part this is wonderfully descriptive and, at times, heart-wrenching. I will go over the #FF0000 ">* first.

#FF0000 ">* Here you have been either too descriptive or repeated yourself. In the craft of flash fiction you will find very very few things repeated. You will find the tightest prose, the most brutal editing. Only the bare bones of a story should exist, one idea, very little character and laced in somewhere should be a pinch of setting. That's it. You talk about how decrepit and fragile he is for too long, In regular prose you can afford to throw in adjectives, unimportant information here and there - It is important to set the scene. But here, in this form of fiction you need to be an aggressive editor, take to it with a cleaver.

#FF0000 ">** This is the only factual error. Even if a heart can't pump, can't support the body, they use life support. If organs show any sign of failing, doctors will promptly put a patient on life support, then when the family is ready the life support is turned off, and the patient will ever prove their organs can support life, or they die. I know it's rather cliche, the dramatic choice, of when to turn off the life support. The reason it is cliche is because it has to feature in a story of this nature. You can't avoid it, and if you do, you lose credibility.

All in all I think this story depends on the MC more than anything else, because there really isn't any prevailing theme, other than death alone. But you haven't handled that theme particularly well. That is to say, this story has been told before and there is no redeeming factor. It is sad, but I don't feel enlightened or convinced at the conclusion. A short story dependent on character over theme, will seldom be as effective. Simply because you don't have time to make us care a great deal about the character. The shorter the story, the more you want to focus on the core idea. I think your prompt was tricky, at a glance it seems the easiest, but it is so difficult to extract any redeeming story ideas from death. At the end of the day you must go down the same path as everyone else, but, there is enough room to move. When I say death, you talk about 'The effect of death on those left behind,' which is common to this theme. But then you could talk about 'Why death is an important part of life' or 'How dying can be redeeming' and so on, they all seem common I suppose.

Anyway hope that helps, I wouldn't say this left me enamoured as some of your other work has in the past. But you have exhibited your ability to tell and enticing story, I just think you struggled with containing yourself. Your prose belongs to extended work, it seems. Well done all the same, and good luck!