Antolsai - 2

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Eli fell for 10 seconds before he hit the ground. The arrival of the 16 year old boy was almost a bouncy landing, like jumping on an old stiff mattress.

“Owe!” The sophomore attempted to get up, but he just flopped onto the mattress and began to sort of spring up and down as if the surface were kicking him. He flailed a final time and caught his balance. “Ah! My back! Oh..." Eli groaned and laid down on the solid ground. "I bet Mom will be upset that my running career is over. Ah, ah, AYE!” Eli arched up in attempt to ease his aching back.

A young girl peeped around a large mound of rounded triangle rock and dirt. Eli didn't notice the bushy hair and big eyes within his vicinity. “David, we have to wait,” The young girl whispered.

Eli studied the roof above his head and noticed that it was built into a rough cave and the light bulbs were old enough to have been straight from Thomas Edison's lab. They stood out on their own carved lumps that stuck out of the ceiling. The ground appeared to be an abandoned work site. Large shaped hills of dirt and big rocks stained the dark and smokey room. "What? Bu-uh, ...wh,... um,... I was running... I was running and sprinting and... jumping... What happened to me?" Eli pushed his body into a sitting position. His back forced him to sit completely straight. "If Maggie jumps out from nowhere, I will know that I never woke up this morning. Right?"

Eli scanned the area again when a brighter object filled his view. "Maggie? Nope.... snap I was half hoping..." It was a little girl. Eli did a quick double take. He did not know this girl. Why was she in his dreams?

“Who are you?” the fluffy haired girl asked. Her blue eyes were wide open as was her mouth. “What are you doing here? “How did you get here?” She took a step towards Eli and leaned in. “How...? Where did you come from? Your color? Your eyes?” the questions rattled past Eli as the girl took a step immediately beneath the brightest light in the area. She appeared to be twelve years old.

Eli blanked for a second. What had this little girl asked him? Her pale skin and white hair had thrown him off. If he was in a dream she would know him, right? Where had he ever seen something like this before that it would be in a dream? “Um, my names Eli, er, Elijah Richard Marxley. I'm 16 years old... I got here during an earthquake. I live in Inteligemental, California. I... um... I'm not here by choice." Eli struggled to stand. "Okay, now I get some questions. Where in the universe am I? Who are you? And, why are you in my dream?” Eli chopped off his voice and waited for some answers.

“Elaine Bianca Friar.” She did a deep curtsey. Elaine stood up and looked at Eli. “Congratulations! You showed up just in time for the city of Antolsai's destruction.” Elaine finished with her head tilted and a grin on her face as if she just told Eli that he was the guest of honor at the president's inauguration. It was totally out of character for her apparent personality. The phony Elaine left and she was serious once more. “We have to go. I'm in a hurry. We can get details later.”

Eli followed the girl out of the dim cave to another dim cave. There were more rocks here, except these rocks were quite large and had more of a square shape. There also appeared to be holes and people in the holes. Each person in the hole in the rock was paler than the one before. Many people that walked by Eli were bald and everyone was a shade of white. A large statue reoccurred in between the rocks. A short and skinny man with a test tube in his hand. He had an apron on and a smile-less face.

From what Eli picked up on the sneaky run behind buildings and random rock formations, he could figure that this was not a normal city, he was the tallest, darkest, fattest, and strongest just by sight. He only weighed 120, but he was still wider at the abdomen than everyone around him. He had a cropped head of hair, and it was wet from sweat but it was still cleaner than every balding and dirty mop around. Everyone needed a good tanning and hair styling in this town. Eli struggled to keep up with the dodging Elaine. She paused for a moment behind a shorter building and looked very intently off into space, and continued with her sporadic runs.

“Elaine, where does everyone live? There are only 15 buildings maximum! How many people live in Antsy?”

Elaine quit looking out for a new place to hide behind and glared at the insolent sophomore. “Antolsai, it's An-tol-sai, and we live under the workman's world. We don't float to the sun or whatever you do."

“Float to the sun? No, we live on the ground, not in it like a certain goofball town that I know of. Now, when do I get to wake up?” Eli retorted and crossed his arms. Elaine yanked Eli down the street to where he was almost sprinting.

Suddenly Elaine began jumping around a flat plain in erratic patterns. Elijah could not figure out what she could be doing until his shoes clinked on plastic. He looked down to see a round porthole beneath him. He started his own erratic pattern and skipped over three windows at a time. All of a sudden Elaine came to a complete halt, sending Eli 4 portholes past Elaine. “Psst! Over here Eli.” Eli tip-toed back to the little girl. His cheeks turned a slight shade of pink.

Elaine tapped the solid ground with her little feet until it was a hollow sound. She reached down and pulled up a horizontal, half door. Elaine grabbed Eli's wrist again and leaped down, dragging Eli behind her. Eli stumbled off of the higher level, almost crushing Elaine at the bottom.

"You wait here. I have to talk with my father. Now,... sit,... on the ladder... I guess." Elaine pointed to the ladder. Eli wondered why he did not see it when he really needed it. Eli sat on the third rung and waited. Elaine rushed down a dark hallway. "Poppa! Poppa hurry!" Eli waited... and waited... and... zzzzzzzzz
Last edited by Mjdwrite on Thu Nov 24, 2011 5:18 am, edited 2 times in total.




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The last parts and the middle was the best parts.




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once again very good story. I really like your characters and your setting, another unexpected twist. You did a really good job with creating stuff.
I have a few problems though. For one, Eli seamed to accept that he had been transported during the earthquake to a strange new place a little to easily, I didn't quite believe it. Maybe I'm missing something but it just felt, weird.
And two, it seemed like Elaine and Jonah were too open with Eli. Well, I guess with Elaine it was okay, but with Jonah..again it just felt weird. I realize that Eli is an integral part of your story, but I feel like that could have been developed a little more. I mean, he a weird and complete stranger.
I also think the whole thing felt a little rushed, don't be afraid to slow down and go into detail about stuff.
But the most important thing is that you don't ruin your story, so if my advice would cause that to happen, please don't use it.
Great job, post more!
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Hello its review day and I said I would come back to review part two, so here I am.
I love the start but i feel that the sentence doesn't flow as well as it should, maybe its jut me though.
The arrival of the 16 year old boy was almost a bouncy landing, like jumping on an old stiff mattress
I quite like the metaphor but the 'almost bouncy landing' doesn't sound right.

He flailed a final time and caught his balance. “My back! I bet Mom will be upset that my running career is over.” Eli finally got the hang of a less bouncy trampoline and commenced having a blast even with his pained back.
Could add more about the hurting of his back. Its really not that important but I feel that the pained back is a little sudden.
maybe something like 'He feel back on his back, hearing it crack as he flopped back up like a rag doll.' Not very good I know...

The imagery is quite nice in the next paragraph and you have described the setting quite nicely. I question the use of 'hence' though. The dialogue is good to but member to show not tell.
She appeared to be twelve years old but acted like a mature high school student. Her attitude was not hyper or happy, she was an investigator. This girl wanted the facts.
Your showing there a little showing is fine but to much is not good. The 'Her attitude was not hyper or happy' is unnecessary.
Her face read shock
I question this, maybe 'Her face read of shock'.
Ok, now I get some questions. Where in the universe am I? Who are you?” Eli chopped off his voice and turned the questions for a moment.
You could easily separate this, show the choppiness of his words by breaking the line up or using '...'.
It was totally out of character for her apparent personality.
I also question this line, a little to much, let your readers decide how to interprete the personality of your character but apart from that Its all pretty good. I love the description of the town and its people. Your character Elaine seems pretty cool too. There are some Issues with grammar though.
he was actually almost running.
Does not read well.
and politicians and stuff.
I don't see some one the 'top of their class' saying 'and stuff' but they are your characters.

So far the story seems very interesting. I can't wait for more!
Stay gold, Ponyboy - S.E. Hinton



When your heart gets pierced with arrows, don't rip them out and pierce those around you in retribution for your hurt. You'll only unnecessarily wound others and bleed to death yourself.
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