Goodbye

Walk this same line
Watch it swerve and sway
Seems like it never
Goes my way
Everytime I step on
I know I’m going to fall
But somehow I never hit the ground
Never feel the rush
Always knowing someones going to catch me
But,
For once I want to fall
Hit the ground
And see what happens
Break my bones
And feel my heart
Because in this life
Im numb as can be
I want to see
The new world
Feel the anger and pain
That I’ve hidden away so
Deep that I cant find it
No excuse to cry
Just needa reason to feel
The damage I cause
Because walking away
Is starting to burn
I feel the pain to turn around
But facing you
Is like falling down to hell
And I want the fire
To crawl on me
Take me in
Feel the flames
But even that is better
Than watching you leave
Walking out that door
And I fear that I cant see
Blind once again
By the words
“just love me”
Because in the end
I love nobody
Not even me
Funny laughs, and sorrowful tears
Arent enough to let me
Say goodbye
As I watch the memories
Dance through the air
I wonder how did I let them pass by?
Funny how the sadest things last a life
But the funny moments fly By,
Once again left with a memory
A moment in time
But as I look around
I see no one inside
But as loud as thunder at night
I feel your presence
Like you were never gone.
But looking around
I wonder who left first?
Was it you walking away
Or me sitting here?
Writing this poem
Of despair
Thinking about you all over again
Thinking of our moments, our shared laughs and fights
And wonder which one outweighed the other
We could of been so strong
But here we are
Fighting again
Going in circles
Passing the same
Fork in the road
not seeing the signs
But now I’m strong
Just enough
say a word
That will change my world
It will end my happiness, sorrow, and pain
And leave me with nothing
This word is:
goodbye

Wow this is intense. At first I didn't think the poem was about suicide but now that I finished reading I think it is. That's the impression you were trying to make, right? If so you did a great job at it. Plus, the rhythm of the poem is great. It flows very nicely. The one thing I'd consider revising is going from one very long line and the next line is just "but". It kinda flows the rhythm off a little bit.

You did a fanstatic job on this! I liked how you can just feel all the emotion in the poem. It has a lot of feeling in it, which I love. You know how to capture the readers attention from the first line of your poem!

Very long but fantastic, very powerfull! I think the short lines work, really made it intense. I love ''I feel your presence Like you were never gone'' good writing

Hey Amberchelli!:)

I kind of like this poem, although I think it needs some more work. The end of a relationship is a common subject of poetry and it has a tendency to get too rant-like. This was a rant in some instances but I think you were able to save this by your imagery in the latter part of the poem.

Anyway, before I get into details of content, I really think that improving the form of this poem would help. Punctuation will help separate the ideas in this poem. As it is now, one ideas flows too freely into another and if you intended that so that it captures the turbulence of the emotions of the speaker, it only serves to confuse the reader. Adding punctuation will help segment this poem, and will probably improve the flow of this as well.

Separating this into stanzas will also be very helpful. It's kind of hard to digest at its present format. It's too long a stanza. Give the readers a breather in order to be able to take in your words better.

I don't like the parts where the poem sounds more like a rant to a friend.

I feel your presence
Like you were never gone.
But looking around
I wonder who left first?
Was it you walking away
Or me sitting here?
Writing this poem
Of despair
Thinking about you all over again
Thinking of our moments, our shared laughs and fights

I think this is more like the thing you write in your diary or tell your friend. It can be a subject in poetry but I think it has to be repackaged so that the reader can really feel the emotions you're trying to express. The quote above is kind of like story-telling.

I think you have some good images you can ground this poem on. The first few lines of your poem can be developed further I think. What is that line that swerves and sways? And in the middle part of your poem, the imagery on fire and burning can be used as well.

Anyway, I hope to read more from you.

--Nixie

I don't really think I need to do much reviewing this. Although, I did find it odd when you would put commas in, but, then, no periods. So, I think it might need some punctuation. Overall, I loved this piece. I could tell exactly what you were feeling. GREAT JOB!!