Kava (Part One)

Chapter One

The Kava growled, its sharp teeth dripping with saliva. Jack saw the Kava’s yellow tongue flicker between its teeth.

Stop looking at its mouth.

Jack took his own advice and was immediately sorry he had. The legs of the Kava had tensed; its reddish purple hair was standing on end. Jack could see it was getting ready to pounce.

Wait for it. The Kava lent forward and growled again. Jack saw it rock back on it’s heels. He went to move to the left. No! Wait Jacks head screamed at him. The Kava squatted finally ready, this was it as the creature got closer to the grass, its head so close to the ground that its breath was moving the blades, Jack tried for all his might to not look like he was tensing himself. Wait, just a few more seconds to go. The Kava looked up at Jack, judging him its green eyes seemed to bore into Jacks soul. Then, it jumped.

Wait.

Time seemed to slow.

A little longer.

The snarling, spitting creature flew through the air.

Now, dive now. Jack rolled to the side. The Kava landed hard, it had planned to land on Jack and had not set itself for missing. While the beast struggled Jack jumped upon its back, he could feel the heat rising from the beast, its chest moving in and out as it breathed. He pulled his knife from his waist and steadied himself; he saw where he should plunge his blade, the beast’s neck staring at him. That was the moment he heard a whine from behind him.
He turned and saw a miniature version of the creature he was straddling. It was clearly the Kava’s child.

Let him go. It would be stupid. The Kava would probably kill me. Let him go. The voice in his head repeated. Jack couldn’t help himself. He threw himself off the creature and made to leave quickly, he heard a growl from behind him. Jack turned round ready to fight once again. How stupid could he be?

The Kava was back on his feet. It growled again and stared at him. Its child whimpered the beast turned, looked at the child and left. Bounding with its kin into the deep of the forest. Jack left almost as quickly, running back to his house. His black booted feet didn’t stop moving till he reached his front door.

“Hmm, that is odd.” Mused Jack’s father, “But you know, most of what we think we know about the Kava is just myth. We expect to have to fight them and so that’s what we end up doing.” Jack had just finished telling his father what had happened in the forest. His father unlike anyone else immediately believed him.

“I don’t know why I let it go. I guess I’m just not brave enough to kill something.” Jack muttered, expressing something that had bothered him for as long as he could remember.

“Not brave enough? Tell me Jack how much bravery do you think it takes to kill something that’s at your mercy? You beat a Kava that attacked you and then let it get back up for another go. You believed that it cares more about its child than killing you.” Jacks father smiled. “That’s just about the bravest thing I’ve ever heard.” He poured himself a whiskey and sat down.

“It’s just, to be a solider father, I’m going to need that killer instinct.”

Jacks father stopped smiling, “Yes, well. Maybe it’s best that you don’t.” He sighed. “Look Jack, there is a difference between fighting and killing. You can fight and maybe, when you need to, you will kill. Men who wear lives they’ve taken like badges of honor don’t understand the difference. Sometimes killing follows fighting but we shouldn’t assume that to be the case.”

Jack thought about that and descended into silence. Musing on his father’s ability to advise him even when he didn’t agree with what Jack wanted to do.

Jack slept badly that night waking up often to the sound of a beast’s growl. When he woke once again in the dead of night he assumed that was reason. He realized though that what he could actually hear was people shouting outside the house. He ignored it, assuming it to be some drunkards returning to the village after a night at the nearest town’s tavern.

Then he heard a knock at the door.
“I tell you he’ll be sleeping, why knock at this time.” It was the voice of the town watcher Hamshawl.
A knock again, Jack heard his father walking down the steps, to the front door. Jack got out of bed and followed him. He saw his father open the door and step back to allow someone in. He nodded at Hamshawl and then closed the door.
The man who had entered was wearing a green and gold outfit, with breeches, the colors of the justice.
His lanky father had put on his glasses, and jack suddenly realized was dressed in the same clothes he had been in last night. Clearly he had not tried to sleep this night. “How may I help you master justice?”
“I am afraid Master Potter, I am here to inform you, that you have been found guilty of treason.”
Jack gasped, eyes widening a traitor? How could he have been found guilty without a trial? What was going on?
Jacks father merely removed his glasses and rubbed them on a cloth he had in his pocket. He then spoke two words, “I see”

Wait for it. The Kava lent forward and growled again. Jack saw it rock back on it’s heels. He went to move to the left. No! Wait Jacks head screamed at him. The Kava squatted finally ready, this was it as the creature got closer to the grass, its head so close to the ground that its breath was moving the blades, Jack tried for all his might to not look like he was tensing himself. Wait, just a few more seconds to go. The Kava looked up at Jack, judging him its green eyes seemed to bore into Jacks soul. Then, it jumped. Is my favorite part but there are some errors which shall not be put into subject at the moment but It was very nice and I liked it very much. I will add you or follow you

Hey, I'd really appreciate any comments from someone, that gives me things to work on, opinions, criticisms, praise or really anything that isn't just copying and pasting my work onto a comment.
I know it's cheeky to bump my own work, but I feel robbed of a review since the above took it off the 'be the first to review' section. I really would like some sort of comment, even if it's "i hated this, it's awful and pretentious" ect

Quibbons Quill

Hello Quibbons Quill,

First of all, it's great that you started with action, because that draws the reader in. This was also a nice way to begin characterizing Jack. We get the impression that he's compassionate, but his compassion makes him an outsider in his culture/society, which I suspect is warrior-based? You've got the right idea about the pacing in the beginning, too--draw out the adrenaline-packed action. I personally would like to see the talking part fleshed out more as well.

The first thing to address is that I want to see the Kava better, because I haven't a clue what to picture. Is it feline? Reptilian? Both? You give us glimpses of it, but I can't picture it as a whole. Also, how big is it? It must be pretty big if Jack can jump on it. Anyway, try to give us those answers earlier.

Oh, and on top of seeing it, it would help me to understand exactly what a Kava is known for. I personally did not buy the part where the cub/kitten/baby whined and the mother didn't attack Jack. To me, a Kava is just like any wild animal--the baby should have also attacked or been growling or something, and the mother should have pounced the second Jack climbed off. If, on the other hand, you had told me that their species was particularly intelligent or something along those lines--something to prepare me for the unexpectedly human-like behavior--then I would have been more willing to buy it.

While the line, "most of what we think we know about the Kava is just myth," helps to explain their odd behavior, I still feel like we should be better set up as readers. Maybe something as simple as an intelligent gleam in the Kava's eye would do. It's up to you.

Second--and I know what I just said about "fleshing out" and "good pacing"--I think that you can actually cut down the word count and make this piece stronger. My word counter says you've got 942 words here. Give yourself a challenge by trying to cut that down to, say 700-ish words. Then make it even harder and try maybe 500 words. You will be surprised by how much shorter you can get it. Doing so will force you to question whether each word is necessary, and it will make you think about how you can shorten sentences. Also--the best part--since you have to cut out words, the first words to go will probably be things like prepositional phrases, adjectives, and adverbs, and THAT will force you to re-evaluate your verbs.

Not that your verbs are bad! But learning to use strong verbs--STRONG, not FLASHY--will be an invaluable skill. I recently read an analogy for this process: If you think of a sentence as a car, the verb is the engine and the nouns are the passengers (I think...). Adverbs and adjectives are like decorative paint and spoilers and such. So! Strong engine, sleek design... you get what I mean.

Third: I think we need to see deeper into Jack's relationship with his father, because while I was unhappy at the end when they were taking him away, I wasn't devastated. We don't quite see enough of the father or of what the father means to Jack in order for us to feel Jack's pain. Some things you could do are 1) add more scene time for Jack's father (and, by the way, he seems important enough to need a name), either by expanding their conversation or showing Jack's father out doing something alone before Jack shows up, or even putting in some flashbacks of the two of them; 2) a method I would be inclined to go for would be to show little details that give us insight into their lives and their relationship. Rather than more screen time--which would probably work--think depth instead of length.

Example: Maybe Jack owns an object his father gave to him, and that object in some way defines Jack's life. Or, maybe Jack's father has a scar he earned while protecting Jack. Maybe somewhere in their history there was an incident with a Kava, and this incident reminds them of that. The signs of a close and intimate life are found in the littlest details.

Fourth: I really needed to see more of the society and culture--more of the world. While I got the sense that it's a warrior culture that Jack doesn't fit into, my impression is too vague to ground me in the story, and my ability to sympathize with Jack was hampered by the uncertainty. Again, this can be addressed in little details or thoughts or just objects sitting around their house/hut/tree house/whatever.

Lastly! Here is my prediction for what happens next: Jack goes off to save his father, perhaps navigating through some political treachery and whatnot, and in the process he learns what his father meant about true strength and compassion.

That could be it, or it could not. The reason I think this particular detail is helpful to you is because it shows how much of the story you've set up in this first chapter, and therefore what direction you've pointed me in as the reader.

I would try to add a bit more direction, set a few more things up. If there really is political intrigue and treachery, give us a hint of the political atmosphere at the time. Also, it might help to have some hint as to why the father is being taken away. If you can do that without lessening Jack's shock and bewilderment, all the better.

And that seems to be about all the big things I saw. So, keep up the good work, and good luck with your revisions!