(Please don't be afraid to pull me up on stupid mistakes that I've made!)
2. Lee Reason, The Timid Young Fellow.
Lee reason was a timid young fellow, a few years out of high school, and an aspiring writer.
A lot of weird things just seemed to happen to Lee, hence the reason for his paranoia, bone crushing anxiety, timidness, his cowardly way of life and his hoarding ways. Ever since he was young he could remember odd things happening, starting when he met a strange person inside of a coffee shop when he was twelve.
After enjoying a hot beverage with the stranger, Lee had passed out and awoke in his bed the next day. Nothing seemed different about him besides a strange tattoo on the inside of his elbow, resembling a laughing face. The following morning his father announced he was leaving to pursue his dream of building the first ever house inside the belly of a dragon, obviously his father had been insane.
Lee’s own dream was to one day lead a normal life, with a normal job in a normal house where nothing out of the ordinary ever happened. Lee didn’t go out looking for weird things to happen, weird things found him!
He didn’t ask those aliens to put that micro-chip in his tongue! He didn’t ask to fall down a man-hole and accidentally discover a secret race of mole people who had lived under the feet of human kind ever since the dawn of time and have them constantly trying to eradicate him so their society would remain secret! He didn’t ask to have the sleeve of his shirt snag on the wing of an aeroplane, fall onto the back of an albatross, and land in Tutenkok! All of that stuff just happened!
Because of these experiences, you’d think Lee would have an endless supply of things to write about (or at least a camera) but it so happened that each time he took out a pen and paper, or his laptop, something weird would interrupt him and cause him to forget what he was about to say.
Subsequently, he worked part-time at the local library, stacking and labelling books all day. Sounds like an ordinary job, but it becomes rather extraordinary when you accidentally see your boss putting on his/her face (literally). I’ll leave exactly what that entails to the reader.
Lee wasn’t really sure what it meant himself, but let’s just say that whenever his boss asked him to come to his office, he made sure he had a heavy book, or an apple peeler safely concealed inside his jacket pocket. Lee was relaxing on his couch watching re-runs of some generic soap opera when he realised he was having an ordinary day. His heart stopped cold. He jumped up onto his couch, his senses on their edge. This was usually when the mole-people struck.
The sound of a window shattering in the laundry of his apartment suddenly sounded. Lee had become pretty handy with a knife during his experiences, and so picked up a rather sharp one and crept carefully into the laundry. “Hello?” he called “Mole-person? Could you please stop trying to kill me, I’ve told you, even If I had any friends to tell they wouldn’t believe me!” nothing jumped out at him. He sighed in relief; if it were a mole-person, it would have jumped out at him with its sharp teeth and claws by now.
His second guess was that it must’ve of been Zortar, the alien coming to raid his laundry for human disguises again. Lee waited again for the usually gurgling noises Zortar made to reach him, but heard instead his machine being opened, and an unusual amount of swears ("Demon's dirty dongle!") as the perpetrator bumped their toe on the corner of a tile.
"Demon's dirt dongle?" repeated Lee. This difinitely was not an alien, or a mole person . . . it was something new. Lee groaned in distaste; he was sick of new experiences!
He walked into the laundry and saw a ghostly pale boy, around sixteen standing in nothing but his white drawers, socks and a brooding expression on his face. He turned and glanced at Lee with Dark grey eyes.
“Oh great you can see me.” He sighed heavily. “I’m using your machine, my clothes are dirty.”
Lee averted his eyes, and scratched the back of his head. “Oh ok . . . that’s not too weird . . . I suppose.”
They stood in awkward silence for a few moments. Lee noticed the boys dark hair was dripping with water. “W-would you like a towel?” The boy grunted that yes he would like a towel. Lee rummaged through his cupboard and found the boy a fluffy brown one. The boy draped it over his head, not doing much else with it. He mumbled something intelligible.
“S-sorry?”
“I said, your stupid neighbour won’t let me in his house unless I am dry and am clean.” He mumbled a few more cusses.
“Oh you’re a friend of Shi’s?” he said trying to sound uninterested.
“What? No, that old guy who lives in that house, Gerald. Well he used to live there, he’s dead now.”
“W-what?” Lee whimpered “Mr Gunter . . . died?”
Even though Lee was sure Mr Gunter only invited him over his house to fix his sink, it was still a shock.
“That’s what I said . . . he put some Draino in his tea, I never knew him when he was alive, but he sure is a pain in the ass dead.” Lee sighed heavily as he watched the boy get out a dark hooded robe.
“I knew this all was too normal . . . So what are you? Are you one of the Satanists come to take my soul again? I told you, I fell through the ceiling by accident, the hot air balloon was too hot, and I couldn’t stay on the horses saddle for . . .” he stopped when he saw the expression on the boy’s face.
“What the hell are you talking about?” he said
“Uh, nothing. Just something that happened a while ago. So what are you doing here then?”
“I told you, idiot, I need to wash my clothes.Do you have a drier perchance?”
Lee nodded and pointed to the machine next to the washing machine.
“Oh yes, you did say . . . but I was just” He frowned deeply. “Was Mr Gunter dead when you arrived at his house?”
“For three bloody hours apparently” Said the boy, imitating Geralds shrill voice. “I’ve got to take him to the underworld, should be a spectacularly fun trip" his tone oozed with sarcasm. His grey eyes slid slyly to Lee's face ".. Especially now that I’ve got to take two souls . . .” Lee nearly fell backwards.
“Wait,your d-d-death th . . . then?” Lee nearly said, his voice doing acrobatics.
“One of many.” The boy handed him a business card, laced with golden arches and white writing. It looked like it could’ve belonged to a McDonald’s CEO. “’Death services,” Lee read, “Taking you to hell and back. Johnny London, Jnr. Soul harvester.’” He handed him back the card. “Quite impressive. I think I’m going to get some fresh air before I pass out.” Death’s cold hand came down on his shoulder.
“Where do you think you’re going? Weren’t you listening, I’ve got to take two souls back now” he let go, disappeared then reappeared inches in front of Lee.
“H-how did you do that?” Lee whispered
“Oh I can do many things.” He raised a skeleton hand, finger outstretched toward lee’s forehead. “Sorry, but it’s protocol, I have to take you to hell now.”
“What, but I’m not dead!”
A moment later Lee was spinning in a hall of fire and moaning melting faces. His glasses flew from his face as his scream echoed throughout the fiery chasm, ending when his body finally buffeted the first floor of hell. He immediately began to cough up an odd substance which looked like silver moths. “Ugh, what the hell was that.” He moaned as the silvery substance flew into a jar which was held in the hands of the dark eyed boy.
“That was your soul, Lee Reason.” Johnny said, now wearing a clean cloak and holding a shiny scythe. “See you in hell Mr Gunter!” he called over his shoulder. Lee could just make out the blurry image of Mr Gunter being escorted by two men wearing purple robes. Lee peered closer and could see a long tail trailing out behind both the men. “Are those, tails?!”
“Are you blind? Of course they’re tails!” Lee slowly got to his feet.
“Well, I lost my glasses in that . . . whatever that was. So, yeah, I guess I am kind of blind at the moment.” He frowned deeply. “Wait what did you say? My soul? What do you mean?” Johnny sighed and began pulling Lee in the direction he’d seen Mr Gunter go. “Look I haven’t really got time to explain death to you, so ask one of the kind Demon- monkeys as they escort to your accommodation.”
“What? Isn’t this hell?”
“Yeah, the accommodation will make you believe it too HA!”
“But I didn’t die!”
“Yeah, yeah heard it all before.”
“You’ve got to believe me!”
“No I don’t gotta. Now look I’m on a very tight schedule-hey!” Lee elbowed Johnny in the rib cage and began to run aimlessly in the opposite direction. It was a futile attempt which Johnny emphasized upon when he teleported in front of him and put him in a painful hold. “What are you, stupid or something?” He began to drag Lee by the ear. “Look, you aren’t helping me out here you know? I'm just trying to do my job.” Johnny suddenly paused in his tracks. “Hold on a second . . .” he pulled Lee into an arm lock, peering curiously at the palm of his hand. “Oh, you weren’t kidding, you aren’t dead! The life line on your hand isn’t gone” he proceeded to laugh robotically.
“Let me go please . . .” Lee whimpered.
“Oh yeah, “ Johnny released Lee, and put his arm around his shoulders, as if they were old friends. “Hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, uh, Buddy.” the floor fell out beneath them and suddenly they were standing in the middle of a bussling city, tall glass buildings stretching high toward the clear sky.
There were Deaths, harvested souls and Demon- monkeys everywhere, not to mention a few creatures Lee would never be able to put a name to.
“Welcome to Life’s reception room.” Johnny announced proudly.
Lee's wide eyes took in all they could.Despite everything being blurry without his glasses, it was an impressive sight.
“So is this where you go to take people to go back to the living world?”
“What? Oh no sorry, this is where we decide whether you’re going to go to ‘heaven’” Johnny stuck his tongue out in distaste, “Or whether you’re coming home with me,” He said, smiling warmly.
“To hell?” Lee choked.
“Yep, it may not have a nice reputation. . .” Lee waited for him to continue.
“Are you, going to say anything else?”
“What?”
“You know, it may not have a nice reputation, but the weathers warm . . . Or something?”
Johnny frowned deeply, obviously having no idea what Lee was talking about. “Never mind. . . . Has the unfairness of what is happening to me occurred yet?”
“Unfair, How?”
“Well, in the sense that I’M NOT DEAD!” a few Demon Monkeys gave Johnny a wary glance as they passed.
“Hey, we all die, you might as well accept it!” he said overly loud. “Could you keep it down?! Do you want me to lose my job?”
“Yes! If it means I don’t potentially spend the rest of eternity in hell!”
“Oh come on, you seem nice, I have a feeling you’ll go to ‘heaven’”
“I’m not risking it!”
“Please! You don’t how much trouble I could get for this!” Lee sighed heavily.
“Trouble how?”
“Let’s just say, alot. Demons and all other sorts of mystical creatures will be on my back! Not to mention those uppity angels . . .”
“There are angels?!” Johnny crossed his arms over his chest.
“Yeah, but they’re all assholes.” He pointed across the way to two white figures, auras of light emanating from their bodies, both with long flowing golden hair.
“Woah” Lee had never seen anything so beautiful . . . but then he remembered Shi . . .
“Hey, stop gaping at them, you’ll get their attention . . . HEY! Stop, they’re coming over!”
“Excuse me is there something the matter here?” said a voice which peeled like a holy bell.
“Oh great . . . no everything’s fine!” Lee could feel himself drool as one angel with perfectly chiselled features peered into his eyes. “This man is not dead.” The angel smiled cruelly, but there was still something beautiful about it. His partner snickered beside him. “I wouldn’t expect anything else from the notoriously oafish and lazy Death, Johnny London” He sneered. “I bet you didn’t even realise until now that he wasn’t dead.”
“No! I knew! See he’s just an, a . . . he’s my new familiar, yeah a new recruit!” Lee was pulled out of his awe as Johnny slapped him hard across the back. “Aren’t ya’?!” Lee choked on his drool, and pulled himself up to his full height. “What?”
“I was just telling Alexial and Yohena here, about our new partnership!” he said through gritted teeth. “Oh . . . yeah. I figured since I was such a loser on earth, there was no way I could do any worse in my . . . dead life?” Both Angels looked pointedly to one another.
“Aren’t familiars traditionally better as animals?”
“Uh . . . No. . . .” Lee said cautiously.
“Whatever. Your logic will soon be proven wrong when you find out what a total and complete failure your chosen partner is.” Alexial’s golden hair caressed Lee as he strode away. It felt like a stream of silken cream.
“And aren’t you in the wrong place Johnny if that boy is indeed your familiar?”
“Yeah . . . I was just showing-“
“I suggest you take him to the right place before you accidentally have him sent into the eternal pit of fire . . . or worse.”
“Yeah, ok I’m on it!”
“You better be, good day!”
“Yeah good day . . . assholes.” Johnny sighed heavily, grabbing onto Lee’s limp arm. “I’ll tell you what Lee, since I’ve gone and done this huuuuge mix up, I’ll cut you up a nice deal.” Lee was still in awe of the angel’s beauty. “Wha-?” the floor fell away, and suddenly they were standing in a quiet untidy reception office. Johnny sat Lee down in a black arm chair. “Sit here and get a hold of yourself.” He proceeded to talk to the Demon-monkey behind the counter. She looked just like a normal human, except for her pointy canine teeth which appeared each time she smiled or spoke, and the long ears which protruded through her hair. Lee bent his head on the side, and could see her tail twitching beneath the desk. He sighed heavily. He really just wanted to get back to his apartment. What if Shi had fallen down the stairs again?! She was a clumsy girl, but strangely never seemed to get hurt. Perhaps if he were as beautiful as those two angels Shi would notice him as something more than a friend. Even without his glasses he could tell they were of unearthly beauty.
Suddenly,Lee heard the sound of splashing water sound from the corner of the room. He turned curiously in his chair and saw the face of a large squid pressed up against the side of its glass tank, staring hungrily at him.
“Johnny!” he whimpered running to his side.
“- Thanks Rin, you’re a diamond.” Rin giggled girlishly before disappearing through a doorway. Lee peered curiously around the side and gasped at what he saw; Books! Stretching higher than the human imagination. Johnny frowned at Lee’s excited expression. He leant over to see what all his commotion was over. He growled furiously as what he saw; Rin bent over, panties visible from underneath her tail. “How dare you perv on my Rin! She’s mine!” He shook Lee violently by the collar of his shirt.
“I . . .was . . . looking . . .Books!” he screeched.
“Oh . . .” Johnny dropped Lee to the ground. He cleared his throat. “Uh, yeah, this is the place you go when you want a contract made up . . .” Lee was almost as embarrassed as Johnny was about the amount of blood which rushed to his face.
“So, what is this deal? does it involve me going back home so long as I never speak of this again? In fact you’ll even erase my memory?” Johnny stifled a laugh
“Hum, no that’s not really how we do things down here, in hell.”
“But I will get to go home, with my soul?” he said, remembering Johnny had his soul inside a jar at present time.
“Oh yes, eventually you’ll get to do that, but that’s after you complete your contract.” Lee sighed heavily as Rin emerged with a piece of old and worn parchment. She smiled sweetly at Johnny who was evidently seen to melt under her gaze.
“Now all you have to do is sign here . . . both of you.” She emphasized.
“I won’t even be able to read it unless I have glasses” said Lee.
“Oh here,” Johnny reached inside his coat and pulled out the horned rims of Lee’s glasses. “I took them off you ‘cause I thought you’d do heaps of embarrassing stuff without them on.” Lee began to shine them on his dusty shirt. “Thanks. And what if I refuse to sign this contract?”
“Then, I’ll send you to hell” Johnny said belatedly, waving to Rin as she left the room.
“What if I go to one of those angels?”
“I doubt you’d even be able to get a word out, you gay, and they would never believe you.” Johnny shifted awkwardly. “Besides I kind of . . . need . . . your help.”
Lee sighed“How so . . .”
Johnny grinned broadly “I need you to become my familiar, exactly what that entails I’ll tell you later, but basically you come along and you help me harvest souls.”
“That doesn’t sound too bad.” Lee read through the contract carefully. “It says I have to do whatever you say, so I’m basically becoming your slave?”
“No! of course when you say it like that it sounds bad, but think of it more like, you’re my genie, only I get numerous amounts of wishes, and if you disobey me I get to do whatever I want to your soul.”
“What kind of things would I be doing . . .”
“Well, you’d be my familiar, so, all kinds of illegal . . . you know I thinks it’s better if I tell you this later.”
Any normal person would be at the brink of having a nervous breakdown at this point, but Lee had developed an immunity to the abnormal, and so, took this with the utmost ease. “Fine, I guess I really have no choice.” And besides, he really would prefer to have death on his side. He shuddered at the thought of what would happen if Death joined forces with the mole-people in extracting their revenge from him. “Where’s a pen?”
“Pen? That’s not how we do things here, you’ve got to sign it with blood” Johnny handed Lee a safety pin. “Are you kidding me?” he winced as he poked the sharp metal into his finger.
“Yeah I am actually” laughed Johnny. “Here, use my pen.” Lee snatched the pen and signed the parchment, concluding that it was a requirement to be sadistic in order to become a Grim Reaper.
“And that is that!” said Johnny rolling up the contract.
“Now what?” asked Lee, observing the abnormal amount of blood which came from his finger. It wasn’t normal looking blood either; it was thick and dark, almost black. “Is it normal for humans to bleed this much in the underworld?” Lee asked, voice quivering.
Johnny casually glanced at his wound.
“Oh, no. you see, this is just the first step.”
Lee began to feel the effects of anemia creeping over him as more and more blood gushed from his finger, down his arm and onto the floor. “What did you do to me.” He gasped.
“Hey, I didn’t do anything. . ."
Lee fell to the floor. The hue of the room seemed to change to a blood red colour. The shadows in the room grew; Johnny’s voice crept over him like a dark ocean.
“All the blood will drain from your human body soon, and when you awake, you will be something other than human. . .”
(3.Crows)
