Antolsai - I

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“Run Elijah!” Mrs. Marxley couldn't contain her excitement, she was off of the bleacher seat and leaning over the railing, trying to urge her only son to be just a little faster before he even left the starting line. The championship 110 meter hurdle had been Mrs. Marxley's dream for her son and now he would achieve it. Eli may have had a different idea though.

Eli crouched in place. He was in the third lane, pounced and ready to go. He could hear his name being called in the stands by dozens of people. Is this what life is about? Being a star? Everyone knowing my name, but no one knowing me? Eli pushed his thoughts aside as the gun fired.

It only took one hurdle for his brain to wander again. What if I quit track next year? Would anyone talk to me, or would I always be referred to as the quitter? I have passion, but is it for running?

“Run boy run!” Eli could hear his mother from the stands. That was why he ran in track. Mothers. Mrs. Marxley and all of her friends had pressured him into track. They said he would be the hero of Inteligemental. He was beginning to feel more like a trophy than a hero at this point.

Eli was the only student to make varsity track in his freshman year since Mr. Marxley had been in track himself. That was not his first year on varsity though. The coach had squeezed past some red tape and got Eli on varsity track in 8th grade. That was two years ago, the first time in history. Now Eli was ready to finish up his sophomore year on a semi-sweet note in only a matter of seconds. The last hurdle of the season and possibly Eli's life was within his grasp, and he was taking it. Freedom?

As Eli's goal neared, the ground began to rumble underneath Eli. Eli was stable and kept moving. Just nerves, Eli thought. All of his competition tripped and stumbled but Eli continued his steady pace.

As Eli jumped the final hurdle, the ground shook again. This time, it was a true head banger and created a fissure directly beneath where Eli had plotted his landing. He saw it just a millisecond to late. Nearly everyone in the bleachers had fallen or ducked for cover. Eli had no where to go except to the hole.

“Help!” Eli grasped the track as best as he could. Short gasps came from Eli. The ground was gone beneath him, but he would not let it take him. Eli knew that there had to be someone or something worth living for, somewhere.

“Somebody help me! PLEASE!” A foothold presented itself beneath Eli's Nike left foot and left his Adidas right foot hanging. No one was in sight yet. Eli pushed as best as he could, with his foot. As Eli reached for a farther distance with his hands, the ledge on the cliff-side slipped.

Sky-diving had always been a thought to Eli, but not like this. Normally a plane, a parachute, and a very large X were expected in that situation. Why would Eli sky-dive during a meet. The championships no less!

Mrs. Marxley pushed herself off of the bleacher floor. The flash earthquake had shaken everyone up. Only a few souls were looking around. Mrs. Marxley looked to her surroundings to make sure everything was in order.

The crack in the track screamed for attention. The hole had cleared an 8 foot spasm. The crack took the spotlight, but the absence of the ground, portions of the track, the final hurdle, and the would-be champion demanded to be noticed as well.
Last edited by Mjdwrite on Tue Aug 02, 2011 1:23 am, edited 1 time in total.
"It is perfectly okay to write garbage – as long as you edit brilliantly" C.J. Cherryh




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This a pretty fantastic start.
I read your plot outline and it defiantly sounds original but its prepares a little to hard to understand, the terms like 'Inteligemental' can stump new readers.

Personally the high school setting was a surprise for me but I really do like it. You have really set up the scene and told the reader a lot about your main character. I like the use of italics for thought, I think I should try that out. The grammar is also good, as far as I can tell.

As Eli jumped the final hurdle, the ground shook so hard that it created a fissure directly beneath where Eli had plotted his landing. He saw it just a millisecond to late. Nearly everyone in the bleachers had fallen, ducked or laid down. Eli had no where to go except to the hole.
This is a great opportunity for you to create suspense, drama, action etc. the way you have written it is a little to 'matter of fact'.

As Eli reached for a farther distance with his hands, the ledge on the cliff-side slipped.
More could have been done with this too, drag it on make the readers heart beat with excitement. Just revise, a couple of times and this could be amazing.
Stay gold, Ponyboy - S.E. Hinton




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Ooh I really like this. I thought it wouldn't have interested me and captured my attention to it that much since it was a short piece but.. Wow!
I'm looking forward to reading more! :)

-cookEmonster
To accept life is to accept the fate it comes with- we were born to die.
So why not make the best of what we've been given with the short time we have on earth?
I like to live every day to it's fullest. (: And writing helps me do that...




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I Liked it, it was good, and totally unexpected. when it started I expected it to be another story about Kid-parent relationships and how parents live through their kids etc... But then you threw in an earthquake! Great, though I'm not entirely sure where this going, it kind of broke the traditional story set up. I'm not complaining though, I think it's brilliant, just a little...weird.
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http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/SaraETall



I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary.
— Margaret Atwood