PAWN

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Gender None specified
Points 940
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Pawn- a person used by another to gain an end.

My name is Terry Henkins also known as Ace on the streets. I'm 6 ft exactly. I have brown hair,blue eyes and the abs of a God. I'm attractive. Ladies call me a catch except there's one problem. I've been living with my mom for the past 27 years and I still don't have a good job. Alright, that's two problems. I am insanely clean but doctors have not declared it as an OCD yet. I drink wine out of the box. I sleep on a king sized mattress in my mom's garage. Each time My father goes to work the car lights temporarily blind my eyes.He blinds me on purpose. My life in one word is hopeless but I love the fact that God still blesses me with breath each morning.

I get up around 9 am leave the house and go do my job everyday. I'm suppose to leave out at eight but my body never gets the memo. Am I lazy? No, I'm not lazy. I just prefer not to work harder than other people.Mom calls the house everyday at exactly 8:30 to see if I'm still there. I don't answer. I just sit there and count the rings until she stops calling. Then I leave out and go to work each day.

"Mike is on the 9th floor Presidential suite. He needs his bags carried up and he's coming in through the back entrance to avoid the press. I need you to go get his things and take them upstairs. You think you can handle this?"

"yes, I can carry his things with no problem. Are you sure this is the guy?"

"I'm sure this is the one. He just came back in town for a meeting but it's definitely him. He's one of our best hotel guests so make sure you take care of him. If you do it right you might get a nice tip!" Ramen smiled. He pointed at the staircase.

I turned around." You are wrong. I always get a nice tip."

I have never looked for a job. They just come to me. I pawn. How? Let's just say items find interesting ways of falling into my hands. Stealing? No, those words aren't even in my vocabulary. I pawn is code for manipulate. Persons who are very skilled in the art of handling people and getting what things they want.

One time a man from New York came into town on a business trip and stayed in our hotel downtown. I remembered his face when I saw him because he worked for the Mayor in Chicago. He had an attitude like most men of his stature,arrogant. Mike Landsky was his name.Standing tall in a tailored suit in front of the hotel he signaled a man to get his bags. The shoes holding his feet were some breed of crocodile and pins on his jacket appeared to be real gold. This man was rich. Rich enough to stay in 3,000 a night hotels and sip champagne on a private jet.He was confident. He knew what he could do and the power he had to accomplish it. He was what I called the gold card. The gold card is what we call the perfect target. They are big risks that pay off much bigger.

My parents thought that I had no plans for the future not knowing that I had been saving up for many years. 100,250 dollars was the nest egg of smart work from pawning, selling, and side jobs. I hid the money in the basement of the house inside an old heating vent.Air from the passage of the vent had no way to escape which meant it was definitely time for a new hiding place. Sure, I could have told my parents I had money to leave but then would come all the awkward questioning. Where did you get that money? Did you get a job? How long have you been hiding this from us? Can we trust you anymore? Telling my parents would only bring up more topics up for debate that I wasn't ready to discuss. I decided to keep my mouth shut.It would remain a secret. They would find out on they day I decided to move out.

"Can I help you?" Mike looked at me with a stern face.

"Will that be all?" I replied while rubbing my fingers together.

"You want a tip..." He reached in his pocket and pulled out a twenty.I mumbled slightly under my breath suggesting he pull out a bigger bill. He looked at me paused,and then reached for the fifty that was in between the twenty and a ten. I had sharp vision. Intellect was something I pride myself in attaining. Most importantly I was good at getting anything I wanted.

"Will that be all?" He replied roughly as to suggest he was irritated.

"Do the feds know about the stolen Monet you have hidden in your luggage?"

"Are you a bellhop or an FBI agent?" He laughingly replied because of the questions I asked of him.

"I'm neither but if you want to stay under the radar you are going to need someone to transport that painting safely. That's where I come in. You are going to pay me to take the Monet and put it back where it belongs and you won't get arrested in the process."

" Don't know what you are talking about."

"If you are going to hide a stolen painting then you shouldn't make it so easy for a person to get into your room..." I nodded at him to say that I wasn't a real employee.

"Why would I pay you to take this back?" He started to reach behind his jacket for what seemed to be a weapon.

"Because if you get caught then your career as a politician is over and so
is your business with the Mayor. He won't associate himself with anyone who can't even handle his business.We both know what happened to the last guy who crossed his paths..."

"How did you know the mayor was in on this?"

"I didn't know he was in on the painting but you just told me..." He shrugged his shoulders as his hands landed on both sides of his waist. Criminal work was not his strong profession obviously. He needed a little work on masking his feelings because they were right on his left shoulder.

"Who do you work for? Who sent you?" He looked at my clothing trying to point out the irony from my bellhop uniform. I could tell he was sizing me up from the minute I spoke the words Monet.

"I don't work for anyone and as for who sent me here let's just say...God!"

"Fine, meet me here tomorrow at noon. Wear better clothes next time." He signaled me to leave out the door.

I walked from his room and headed towards the elevator. I undressed while walking down the hallway then dumped the stolen uniform into the trash can. I got off at the main floor and walked straight out the front door as I gave the concierge a head nod. It was done. I had my gold card waiting for me the next day. This job would pay off big time.

My name is Terry Henkins and I am a con man.




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Gender Female
Points 1820
Reviews 23
My name is Terry Henkins, also known as Ace on the streets. I'm 6 ft exactly. I have brown hair, blue eyes and the abs of a God. I'm attractive. Ladies call me a catch, except there's one problem. I've been living with my mom for the past 27 years and I still don't have a good job. Alright, that's two problems. I am insanely clean but doctors have not declared it as anOCD yet. I drink wine out of the box. I sleep on a king sized mattress in my mom's garage. Each time Mmy father goes to work, the car lights temporarily blind my eyes. He blinds me on purpose. My life in one word is hopeless, but I love the fact that God still blesses me with breath each morning.

I get up around 9 am, leave the house and go do my job everyday. I'm suppose to leave out at eight but my body never gets the memo. Am I lazy? No, I'm not lazy. I just prefer not to work harder than other people. Mom calls the house everyday at exactly 8:30 to see if I'm still there. I don't answer. I just sit there and count the rings until she stops calling. Then I leave outand go to work each day.

"Mike is on the 9th floor Presidential suite. He needs his bags carried up and he's coming in through the back entrance to avoid the press. I need you to go get his things and take them upstairs. You think you can handle this?"

"yYes, I can carry his things with no problem. Are you sure this is the guy?"

"I'm sure this is the one. He just came back in town for a meeting but it's definitely him. He's one of our best hotel guests, so make sure you take care of him. If you do it right, you might get a nice tip!" Ramen smiled. He pointed at the staircase.

I turned around. "You are wrong. I always get a nice tip."

I have never looked for a job. They just come to me. I pawn. How? Let's just say items find interesting ways of falling into my hands. Stealing? No, those words aren't that word isn't even in my vocabulary. IpPawn is code for manipulate. Persons who are very skilled in the art of handling people and getting what things they want.

One time, a man from New York came into town on a business trip and stayed in our hotel downtown. I remembered his face when I saw him because he worked for the Mmayor in Chicago. He had an attitude like most men of his stature,--arrogant. Mike Landsky was his name. Standing tall in a tailored suit in front of the hotel, he signaled a man to get his bags. The shoes holding (?) his feet were some breed of crocodile and pins on his jacket appeared to be made of real gold. This man was rich.--rich enough to stay in 3,000 a night hotels and sip champagne on a private jet. He was confident. He knew what he could do and the power he had to accomplish it. He was what I called the gold card. The gold card is what we call the perfect target. They are big risks that pay off much bigger.

My parents thought that I had no plans for the future, not knowing that I had been saving up for many years. 100,250 dollars was the nest egg of smart work from pawning, selling, and side jobs. I hid the money in the basement of the house inside an old heating vent. Air from the passage of the vent had no way to escape, which meant it was definitely time for a new hiding place. Sure, I could have told my parents I had money to leave but then would come all the awkward questioning. "Where did you get that money? Did you get a job? How long have you been hiding this from us? Can we trust you anymore?" Telling my parents would only bring up more topics up for debate that I wasn't ready to discuss. I decided to keep my mouth shut.It would remain a secret. They would find out on they day I decided to move out.

"Can I help you?" Mike looked at me with a stern face.

"Will that be all?" I replied while rubbing my fingers together.

"You want a tip..." He reached in his pocket and pulled out a twenty.I mumbled slightly under my breath suggesting he pull out a bigger bill. He looked at me, paused, and then reached for the fifty that was in between the twenty and a ten. I had sharp vision. Intellect was something I pride myself in attaining. Most importantly, I was good at getting anything I wanted.

"Will that be all?" He replied roughly as to suggest (?) he was irritated.

"Do the feds know about the stolen Monet you have hidden in your luggage?"

"Are you a bellhop or an FBI agent?" He laughingly replied because of the questions I asked of him.

"I'm neither, but if you want to stay under the radar, you are going to need someone to transport that painting safely. That's where I come in. You are going to pay me to take the Monet and put it back where it belongs and you won't get arrested in the process."

"Don't know what you are talking about."

"If you are going to hide a stolen painting, then you shouldn't make it so easy for a person to get into your room..." I nodded at him to say that I wasn't a real employee.

"Why would I pay you to take this back?" He started to reach behind his jacket for what seemed to be a weapon.

"Because if you get caught, then your career as a politician is over and so is your business with the Mayor. He won't associate himself with anyone who can't even handle his business. We both know what happened to the last guy who crossed his paths..."

"How did you know the mayor was in on this?"

"I didn't know he was in on the painting but you just told me..." He shrugged his shoulders as his hands landed on both sides of his waist. Criminal work was not his strong profession (?) obviously. He needed a little work on masking his feelings because they were right on his left shoulder.

"Who do you work for? Who sent you?" He looked at my clothing, trying to point out the irony from my bellhop uniform. I could tell he was sizing me up from the minute I spoke the words Monet.

"I don't work for anyone, and as for who sent me here, let's just say...God!"

"Fine,. Meet me here tomorrow at noon. Wear better clothes next time." He signaled me to leave out the door.

I walked from his room and headed towards the elevator. I undressed while walking down the hallway, then dumped the stolen uniform into the trash can. I got off at the main floor and walked straight out the front door as I gave the concierge a head nod. It was done. I had my gold card waiting for me the next day. This job would pay off big time.

My name is Terry Henkins and I am a con man.


I just added in a bunch of commas, mostly. Just imagine he's actually talking and think about when he'd pause during a sentence. That's usually a good cue to put in a comma.

There were a few awkward sentences that you might want to look over. "I'm attractive. Ladies call me a catch except there's one problem."This part in particular was jarring. You start with one subject--his physical appearance. In the next sentence, you continue on that vein, but then you wrap the whole sequence up in that same sentence. I think it would be better if you combined the first sentence and the first part of the second sentence together, and make the "except..." a separate sentence.

In the second paragraph, you use 9 for 9am, but eight for 8am. You might wanna pick one or the other with that part.

"He knew what he could do and the power he had to accomplish it."
Another awkward sentence. Maybe... "He knew what he could do, and that he had the the power to accomplish it"? But even that seems redundant. He knew his capabilities, and the powers he had...

"He laughingly replied because of the questions I asked of him."
Awkward. Maybe... "He replied to my question with a laugh."

Those are just minor issues though. Really, what I like about this is Terry's voice. I could really hear him talking as I read this, which is very important. I think it'll sound even better once the commas are put in, so that you can really imagine him talking, with all the natural pauses. The story has a lot of promise. All it needs is a bit of minor tweaking, and you're on your way!




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Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 8
If Terry is a con man, I'm going to need more details. More descriptions. The difference between a good con and a bad con is always in the details. He noticed the $50 bill, but I'd like to read what he did to figure out the Monet. Describe the mark's facial expressions and body language more. Were his arms crossed? Did he swagger as he walked?

I like Terry's voice though. It flows nicely, especially after the commas were added. This is a good start and I think you'll make it a lot better as you keep going. This story isn't finish, but I can't wait to see the final project.
I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you're alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it.




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Gender None specified
Points 940
Reviews 6
Thank you everyone. I will pluck and tweak it to finish the story. I think it was a pretty good as I wrote this
idea straight out of my head.



We're just all nosy little busybodies.
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi