Golden

I am a contradiction
with long golden braids
& pristine baby doll dresses
matched by my tattered knee caps
and bruised fingertips.

Watch me dancing,
clumsy and out of rhythm
while my work boots send up puffs
of dust besides the stiletto tip tap
on the hard wood.

Thunk and I throw
my empty bottles against the road
as I slip the ribbons from my golden hair,
now ashen with my disappearing youth,
disappearing on a breeze.


Thanks so much for reading.

Lileh! Of course I always love your work, obviously.
I liked this. It was so sweet and surprisingly apt with what I'm feeling at the moment. This flowed nicely and the rhythm was good. A few things:

I am a contradiction

I don't quite like this as an opening line. It sounds too bold, too much of a declaration, like, "Hey, look at me!" I'd prefer something that leads into the poem a bit more.

& pristine baby doll dresses

I don't really like the use of the symbol. Maybe it's a stylistic thing, but I'd rather you spell "and" out.

Watch me dancing,

Again, the declaration, the "Look at me!" These bits make it seem like you're trying too hard to make people connect with the poem, and they seem almost pretentious, which I know is at odds with your usual voice and personality.

while my work boots send up puffs
of dust besides the stiletto tip tap

This I love. Your word choice was simple but effective and absolutely beautiful.

my empty bottles against the road

I'm not quite sure where the bottles came from? Throughout the poem, I had this image of one of those dancing jewelry box dolls, sort of rusting and getting worn as the years go on. Now there are bottles? It just doesn't fit in with the rest of the poem.

now ashen with my disappearing youth,
disappearing on a breeze.

I don't like the repetition of "disappearing" so close together. Try to find a different word. It's a nice image to end on, though.

Nitpicks aside, like I said, I did enjoy this overall. It was a little bit like a lullaby, something you'd recite to a baby girl.
Hope I helped. =]

Hi Lily!

So I liked this very much. I agree with Explosive_Pen about how the first line of the first two stanzas sound too, I dunno, out there, like pushy. The last stanza was definitely my favorite. To be honest, I saw this as possible a older teen girl, drunk, talking about how she had to leave school to work for some depressing reason. As if her childhood and youth is disappearing and now she's entered the adult world

but

I'm probably reading into this too much. I really liked this and I think you should expand it because there really isn't much to say on it.

Grade: A-

If you have any questions or comments, send me a PM.

~jas

Hey, Lily.
I love the images in this. I kind of like the idea of it, but I definitely think it needs a little work, too.
After reading it and not looking back at the words, what I remember most are the blonde braids and the work boots. I think this piece works, to be honest, because that's kind of the definition of hipster fashion right now: girly, almost grungy, but not quite. Some kind of elegant with a little hippie thrown in. Which means I think I like this poem like I like those faded pictures on Tumblr (if you have one), the fashion photos.

But the thing about those photos is I don't remember any particular one. I just remember the feeling I get from them in general. I think that you have emotion hidden in here somewhere, enough to make it more than just a photograph.

I think in order to make this poem deeper, you have to go in and touch those feelings. First of all, take out the word "contradiction", because you know we can gather it from your imagery. You don't have to summarize it at the beginning. Then it just seems like it fits into that instead of being a set of circumstances of its own accord. Do you get what I'm saying? Like instead of saying "contradiction" and using the rest of the poem as the definition, show the poem, the contradiction, but let it be a contradiction and also beauty and also whatever the reader defines it as.

What I meant by TOUCH those feelings is actually get in there and touch them. Right now you show us images. Tell us or hint to us what they mean. How do you FEEL that you are a contradiction? What does it mean to you? What do you want it to mean? What do other people think that you're a contradiction? What are the feelings that surround this? Let us get in touch with those.

Let me know if you have questions, and have fun.

Hannah

Good stuff! Brought back some memory-images there. Very nice stuff. Not much of a review. I'll come finish when I can.

I am a contradictionwith long golden braids
& pristine baby doll dresses
matched by my tattered knee caps
and bruised fingertips.

Ithink the description provided in this para made the situation amazingly easy to visualize.

The flow was very good through the paragraph transitions but for some reason, the poem didn't seem to rhyme very well to me.