Falling Behind Chapter 1 part 1

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Donny kicked up dust as he rounded the corner of the barn. He stopped at the entrance, and heard the hooves of his pursuers' horses. His adrenaline was rushing through him, and his heartbeat quickened. The dusty air was drying out his mouth and he was losing strength. The barn door was unlocked, and once he was inside he slammed it shut behind him. His long, black hair was slicked back covering a massive scar on the back of his neck. The barn smelled like hay and feces, and had straws of hay scattered around it. His brown eyes searched the room and saw a single wheelbarrow in the corner of the barn. He hurried over to the wheelbarrow, grabbed the old wooden handle, and snapped it off with a swift kick of his boot. With his new weapon in hand, he sprinted back to the door, placing himself against the wall next to it. Holding the handle in his right hand, he reached down to his waist and grabbed a throwing knife from his belt. Donny heard the horses approach and he braced himself.

The horses trotted up to the barn and halted. The three men dissmounted, and walked up to the barn doors. One man, tall and skinny, bent down and looked at the boot tracks leading inside. "He's gotta be here." He whispered quielty, motioning to the door. He stood up and unholstered his pistol. "Biggs, you go in first."

"No, you go in first." Mumbled Biggs. He was extremely short and wide, with a beard that reached to his belly button. He was holding a rifle and had a knife clipped to his belt.

The third man unholstered his pistol and cocked it. He was very tall and muscular, and had a clean, shaven face. He pointed the gun at Biggs, "Go in now, dwarf." He demanded.

Biggs started shaking, and faced the door. He slowly pushed it open and pointed his rifle inside. He stepped inside looked to the right, and took a blow to the forehead from the wooden handle.

Donny watched the dwarf go down, then refocused on the current predicament. He dropped the handle and grabbed another throwing knife from his belt. The two remaining men burst inside, guns cocked and ready. He threw the first knife at the skinny man, and hit him in the gut. The man dropped his pistol and fell on his stomach immediately. The third man fired two shots, both which flew wide, before taking the second throwing knife to the throat, and falling face first to the ground, gasping for air. Donny looked at the pathetic attempt to take him down and chuckled, then snapped back to reality. He walked over to the skinny man and rolled him onto his back. He pulled the knife out of his stomach, and wiped it on his pants, then reattached it to his belt. Donny grabbed the man's pistol, and searched his pockets for ammo. After finding six extra bullets, he placed them in his pouch, then took the mans holster and tied it around his waist. The new holster fit perfectly around his hips, and the new gun slid gracefully into the holster. The third man was laying face first in a pool of his own blood. Donny approached him, and removed the knife from his throat, wiped it, and replaced it with the rest of his knives. He then turned his attention to the dwarf, who was laying unconscious at the barn entrance. He approached the dwarf and dragged him by his feet to the corner of the barn by the wheelbarrow. He turned the wheelbarrow on It's side, and leaned the dwarf up against it. Exiting the barn, he walked up to the horses and untied every rope he could from them, then returned to the barn. The dwarf was still unconcsious, and Donny wrapped the rope around the dwarf and the wheelbarrow and tied it tight. Then with a swift kick to the stomach he woke the dwarf up. "Who are you dwarf?"

"M...My name is B...Biggs." Coughed the dwarf. His forehead was bleeding, and his beard was filled with dirt.

"And why in god's name were you shooting at me?" Donny looked down at the dwarf, and glared at his little prisoner.

"Donny please... don't kill me." Pleaded the dwarf. Then another boot hit him right in the stomach, causing him to cough whimper.

"Then tell me why you tried to kill me? After that i'll consider it." With this Donny pulled out a knife and started twirling it between his fingers. He smiled at the little man and then placed the knife next to his throat.

Biggs shivered, "We were hired by a guy named Martin, now please, don't hurt me."

Donny put away the knife, then stared the dwarf in the eyes, "Where is he?"

"He's north, in the Hengst mountains." Biggs looked at the ground, ashamed.

"Was there a girl with him?" Asked Donny calmly.

"Not that I know of." Said the dwarf softly.

"Did he mention the name Alissia?" Donny's heart started beating faster at the thought of his wife. He had been searching for her for almost a year now, and this was the closest he had ever been to finding out where she was.

"No, I've never heard that name. Now please let me go." Begged Biggs.

"Now why would I do that?" Laughed Donny as he walked out of the barn. The horses hushed as Donny walked up to them. The unsecured saddles had all slid off by now. Donny approached the black horse, who seemed the least frightened by his presence and mounted it bareback. The sun was now setting and night was approaching. The Hengst mountains were barely visible on the horizon, but Donny aimed the horse north, and set off.
Last edited by arspoetica on Wed Jul 27, 2011 6:39 am, edited 2 times in total.
Insanity is the spark creativity.




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Congratulations, arspoetica! You are my first non-poem to review!
I am a story-writer myself, so I will enjoy seeing how others write!

First things first:
Don't be afraid to change your syntax while writing. In that first paragraph, I see a lot of "He [insert verb] and [insert verb], [insert dependent clause]." Try making complex sentences, or compound-complex. Sometimes even a simple sentence is the best way to go. And, take out the word "crap" and replace it with "feces" or a more appropriate synonym. The word "Crap" just seems to portray the author as immature (not saying you are, just saying that's what is implied).

Basically, the rest of the chapter just needs a lot of grammar corrections; capitalizing "I"s, inserting apostrophes, et cetera.

The dialogue at the end is quick, which can be good, but also can lead to misunderstandings and doesn't fully show emotion of the characters. Add in sentences after the dialogue describing facial expressions of Donny and the dwarf, or thoughts of the characters in the situation, or anything of the sorts.

Hope to help,
FragmentsOfSorrow.




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The way you've started your story with a bit of action really gets a reader in.
The first impression I have of Donny is that he's going to be a fairly interesting and dark character.
I can't really say much, it being only the first chapter and all. . . .
The only criticism I can make, is that the parts where you use explicit language gives the reader the impression that the writer doesn't have the vocab to express a characters anger or emotion by any other means. I'm not saying you can't use that language, sometimes it's part of your characters complex.
Just be aware that it can turn some people off reading your story.

Otherwise, I enjoyed reading this and I can't wait to see where this goes! :)



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