The Wishlet

READ SPOILER FIRST! Please

Spoiler

okay, so this is obviously not a true story since i'm 15 right now, nor do i want it to be a true story haha so yeah. Also, Noah, the person in here named Noah is not you and not modeled after you. Just telling you so u know Enjoy

On my fifteenth birthday, a good friend of mine gave me an anklet. It was just a piece of string with a couple of tiny black beads on it.
"When you tie it on, you make a wish," she'd informed me. "When it falls off, the wish comes true."
I tied it on and made my wish.
"I wish to find the man of my dreams," I whispered to myself.
As the years passed, I got pregnant, had to get married to my baby daddy, had four kids with him (two sets of twins; the first were boys, the second were girls), got a divorce, contemplated on getting my tubes tied even though I was only twenty one years old at the time, and got married two more times. Through it all, the anklet hadn't fallen off.
After my third divorce, I vowed to never get married again. And even though I had made that promise, I didn't cut the anklet off. It was my last chance at true love.
Then, on my thirty-fifth birthday, a group of my closest girlfriends decided tto take me to a club.
That's where I met Noah.
He was tall, dark, and oh so handsome. He introduced himself to me as soon as he saw that I had caught him staring.
There was an immediate connection between us.
We dated for six months before I introoduced him to my children. They were all difficult at first (as all teenagers are in a situation like that) but they eventually warmed up tp him and gave him their blessing to marry me.
The date was immediately set for a month later and everyone was running around to plan my wedding that they knew would be my last.
And I didn't notice until Noah was sliding my black garter down my leg with his teeth, that I noticed that the wishlet had fallen off.

Since you posted this in the middle of the night (by your subtitle), I'll forgive you the typos. But I'll still point them out.

girlfriends decided tto

warmed up tp him

Nooow...what you seem to have posted here is an outline, not really a story. It's a sketch of a story. "When I was fifteen this happened. Then years later, this happened. Then many years later this happened. Then when I was 35, this happened." It's not so much a story as some facts told to a friend at a party when you're 50. What people want out of a story is emotion, meaning, conflict, character interactions.

Instead, the whole of her first marriage is summed up by "I got pregnant, had to get married to my baby daddy, had four kids with him...got a divorce."
And the whole of her relationship with her one true love is summed up by "He was handsome. We talked. There was a connection. We dated. He met my kids. They liked each other."

Do you think that such bare descriptions do a relationship justice? What words in there incite love? What words in there incite hope? Dreams? Happiness? As a writer, your job is to get us to agree with you. To feel what the characters feel. And to do that, you need to consider your word choice and what you tell us and how you pace the story. Consider, for example, a classic movie. Jaws. If someone asked what happens in Jaws, I might say:
"There were some people swimming. A shark ate them. Brody went to hunt the shark. The shark ate his friend. Brody killed the shark."

But that's not the movie. That's not anywhere close to capturing anything the movie intended or the emotions felt by the audience when the movie first came out. It's just a quick synopsis.

Likewise, your quick synopsis of a life is not a life. It's not anywhere close to capturing the emotions felt by the narrator when the events happened. For example:

There was an immediate connection between us.

Does that line capture the happiness, the nervousness, the fear, the goofiness, the thudding hearbeat, the sweaty palms, the stolen glances, etc, etc of meeting someone you like for the first time?
So now that you have an outline, go back and fill in the details.

The date was immediately set for a month later

Also, no one would ever do a full wedding in a month. (Judging by the garter, it seemed they at least did some of the traditional stuff). I should know, I spent almost a year on mine.

Wow this is really good. I haven't read a romantic story like this in a while. Now like the reviwer said above me, you have misspelled on some parts. Yeah I hate getting that too when I make my stories. Make sure after you make your stories then re-read them. Just to look over some mistakes.
Overall this was a very good story. Keep doing what you are doing.

Thanks for the review. I will definately take it into consideration. I wrote this at like 2 in the morning and was literally about to fall asleep so I do know that it needs major work. Thanks again

Keep on Writing
Roxy