Nightshade Chapter 3.5

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She chained both prisoners to the wall and carefully draped the snakes around their shoulders.

“Good night,” she crooned, and planted a soft kiss on David’s cheek. Where she kissed him felt cold and lifeless and it sent a shudder down his back. She left.

“Horrible form. Kissing the enemy? I think not!” Starlight criticized. One of the snakes on his shoulder hissed, apparently not appreciating the insults directed at its mistress.

“I’m sorry.” David said. He knew Starlight was trying to make him feel better. He told his friend about his rescuer, Eurchess, and how he had forgotten his advice. “Well, I suppose I shouldn’t have made you come into the cottage with me.”

“We all make mistakes,” Starlight said simply. David was under the impression that he was still angry, but knew David was not prepared for this kind of “quest”. And with his furious silence, David’s words exploded from his mouth.

“For the love of the gods, I got us in this mess!” David burst out. “I should have stopped us from going in. I should have dragged you out of the house before she came.

“You belong in the battlefield, gaining honor and valor. And me?” he paused. He didn’t know what he wanted except to find his father. But wasn’t it all a hopeless cause? What could one boy do to save all of Yura? He continued anyways. “Never mind me. But we won’t ever be able to- for the love of the gods!” David kicked the wall to which he was chained. His three snakes didn’t like the disturbance and opened their mouths, exposing their long fangs.

“David, you can’t take all the blame; and stop saying sorry!”

“I’m sorry.”

“Didn’t I just say-”

“I forgot. So-” and they hung on the wall. Hours passed with only silence whispering in their ears, and David could no longer feel his arms. He was starting to go numb in his shoulders.

“What’s wrong with your finger?” Starlight asked, breaking the hard quiet.

“What finger?” David asked, trying to get a glimpse at all his fingers to make sure none of them were turning purple or falling off.

“Your pinky … on your right hand.”

“Oh. I was just born with it.” He wiggled his right pinky, which was the same length as his ring finger. “I think it runs in the family. I’m not sure though, since my dad left.”

“Who is your dad?” Starlight asked quietly.

“The ex-Officer Harold.” David paused. “I have to find him. My mother told me that he’s the only one who can solve this mess.”

“How? How can one man save all of Yura?”

“I don’t know.” He didn’t admit to his friend that he had been wondering the same thing himself.
Silence reigned again.

Then the quiet was conquered. Something like music flowed through the air, flowing into the ears of the two prisoners. Its sweet song filled the room. The music seemed to cut to the very marrow of David's inner soul and he felt a longing seem to mysteriously call out from his heart.

It was a piercing melody that seemed to slice through the air since it was so clear. It was unlike the sound of David’s flute, but sounded almost like singing.

David's spine started to tingle as he felt the coils of the snakes move against his body, and he recoiled. He braced himself for the inevitable biting. However, the serpents were uncoiling themselves from the two captives, and were slithering away with all speed, their scales scratching against the floor. David then wondered why one of them stopped moving.

One after the other, every snake froze suddenly, in the embrace of death. Each passed away suddenly and quickly, with not a sound. However, the last snake gave out a long, drawn out hiss.

It had committed its last act, for soon, its head dropped on the floor. The song was getting ever louder.

David started to wonder if this music was deadly not only to snakes, but to Starlight and himself.

As soon as this thought ran through his mind, the sorceress burst through the doorway, her hair flying. She spread out her arms, and attempted to summon forth some pulsing light from her palms. When this was done, she tried to release it, but the ball of magic burst in mid-air, like shining glass. One scraped her cheek, and that part of her skin started to turn brown and rot. Soon, this manifestation spread to the rest of her body, engulfing her. She sank to the floor, and her head hit the cold floor with a thud. She gave a twitch and a hiss. She attempted to sit up, but it seemed she was being pushed down to the floor, for she fell again. She grunted with the exertion, and screamed. She was still.

David was astonished beyond belief. In his entire school library, there was no information of what had just happened. He tried to speak, but no air made his vocal cords vibrate. He gave up and closed his mouth again.

Starlight was just as mesmerized by what had just happened. He trotted around the room, while David was staring at the wall in front of him blankly. Wow.

“Doesn’t something not feel right?” Starlight asked.

“Yeah,” David replied. He knew exactly what Starlight was talking about. It felt like something was missing. Then the answer came readily to his lips. “The music. It’s gone.”

“Yeah, it’s-” but at that moment, the wall behind them transformed into a door. Until that point, David had been flabbergasted, and couldn’t explain any of the following magic, but this appearance of the door made him realize that it was a door of destination, therefore, it was an anchor of knowledge to David in this strange new adventure.

David knew that some user was trying to come here through the door. The door of destination then explained the side effects of bringing the precipice of another region with it. David only knew that the doors were theoretically supposed to transport them many or few leagues away. Except his textbooks never mentioned how you work one, or how it takes you to your destination. However, he had no time to continue his contemplation, for on the other side of the door came a light polite knock.

So many bizarre things had happened to him, yet this seemed among the strangest. He looked at the wooden door, and looked at Starlight questioningly. The horse shrugged. David knew that this door was going to change his life. He just had to know whether if he had the strength to accept it. It was based on a hunch. Little did he know that this decision would change the entire nation’s destiny forever.

He opened the door.
Last edited by phoenixwriter on Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:55 am, edited 1 time in total.
"Which came first? The Phoenix or the flame?"

-H.P. Deathly Hallows




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“Good night,” she crooned, and planted a soft kiss on David’s cheek. Where she kissed him felt cold and lifeless and it sent a shudder down his back. She left.

“Horrible form. Kissing the enemy? I think not!” Starlight criticized. One of the snakes on his shoulder hissed, apparently not appreciating the insults directed at its mistress.

“I’m sorry.” David said. He knew Starlight was trying to make him feel better. He told his friend about his rescuer, Eurchess, and how he had forgotten his advice. “Well, I suppose I shouldn’t have made you come into the cottage with me.”

“We all make mistakes,” Starlight said simply. David was under the impression that he was still angry, but knew David was not prepared for this kind of “quest”. And with his furious silence, David’s words exploded from his mouth.

“For the love of the gods, I got us in this mess!” David burst out. “I should have stopped us from going in. I should have dragged you out of the house before she came.

“You belong in the battlefield, gaining honor and valor. And me?” he paused. He didn’t know what he wanted except to find his father. But wasn’t it all a hopeless cause? What could one boy do to save all of Yura? He continued anyways. “Never mind me. But we won’t ever be able to- for the love of the gods!” David kicked the wall to which he was chained. His three snakes didn’t like the disturbance and opened their mouths, exposing their long fangs.

“David, you can’t take all the blame; and stop saying sorry!”

“I’m sorry.”

“Didn’t I just say-”

“I forgot. So-” and they hung on the wall. Hours passed with only silence whispering in their ears, and David could no longer feel his arms. He was starting to go numb in his shoulders.

“What’s wrong with your finger?” Starlight asked, breaking the hard quiet.

“What finger?” David asked, trying to get a glimpse at all his fingers to make sure none of them were turning purple or falling off.

“Your pinky … on your right hand.”

“Oh. I was just born with it.” He wiggled his right pinky, which was the same length as his ring finger. “I think it runs in the family. I’m not sure though, since my dad left.”

“Who is your dad?” Starlight asked quietly.

“The ex-Officer Harold.” David paused. “I have to find him. My mother told me that he’s the only one who can solve this mess.”

“How? How can one man save all of Yura?”

“I don’t know.” He didn’t admit to his friend that he had been wondering the same thing himself.

Silence reigned again.

Then the quiet was conquered. Something like music flowed through the air, flowing into the ears of the two prisoners. Its sweet song filled the room. It was a piercing melody that seemed to slice through the air since it was so clear. It was unlike the sound of David’s flute, but sounded almost like singing. It was coming from strings! It was beautiful.

It made him feel a desire to not give up. And with that, he threw off the writhing chains. Except they were already off him. David would’ve blushed out of embarrassment of his cheesy mistake, but this was far from ordinary. The serpents were uncoiling themselves from the two captives, and were slithering away with all speed, their scales scratching against the floor. David then wondered why one of them stopped moving.

One after the other, every snake froze suddenly, in the embrace of death. Each passed away suddenly and quickly, with not a sound. However, the last snake gave out a long, drawn out hiss.

It had committed its last act, for soon, its head dropped on the floor. The song was getting ever louder.

David started to wonder if this music was deadly not only to snakes, but to Starlight and himself.

As soon as this thought ran through his mind, the sorceress burst through the doorway, her hair flying. She spread out her arms, and attempted to summon forth some pulsing light from her palms. When this was done, she tried to release it, but the ball of magic burst in mid-air, like shining glass. One scraped her cheek, and that part of her skin started to turn brown and rot. Soon, this manifestation spread to the rest of her body, engulfing her. She sank to the floor, and her head hit the cold floor with a thud. She gave a twitch and a hiss. She attempted to sit up, but it seemed she was being pushed down to the floor, for she fell again. She grunted with the exertion, and screamed. She was still.

David was astonished beyond belief. In his entire school library, there was no information of what had just happened. He tried to speak, but no air made his vocal cords vibrate. He gave up and closed his mouth again.

Starlight was just as mesmerized by what had just happened. He trotted around the room, while David was staring at the wall in front of him blankly. Wow.

“Doesn’t something not feel right?” Starlight asked.

“Yeah,” David replied. He knew exactly what Starlight was talking about. It felt like something was missing. Then the answer came readily to his lips. “The music. It’s gone.”

“Yeah, it’s-” but at that moment, the wall behind them transformed into a door. Until that point, David had been flabbergasted, and couldn’t explain any of the following magic, but this appearance of the door made him realize that it was a door of destination, therefore, it was an anchor of knowledge to David in this strange new adventure.

David knew that some user was trying to come here through the door. The door of destination then explained the side effects of bringing the precipice of another region with it. David only knew that the doors were theoretically supposed to transport them many or few leagues away. Except his textbooks never mentioned how you work one, or how it takes you to your destination. However, he had no time to continue his contemplation, for on the other side of the door came a light polite knock.

So many bizarre things had happened to him, yet this seemed among the strangest. He looked at the wooden door, and looked at Starlight questioningly. The horse shrugged. David knew that this door was going to change his life. He just had to know whether if he had the strength to accept it. It was based on a hunch. Little did he know that this decision would change the entire nation’s destiny forever.

He opened the door.

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Hi,

Thanks for the review, but when you tell me to write more, do you want me to be more descriptive or to continue writing? A few pointers would be nice in the future. I wrote this book a year ago, so I'd like some comments on how to improve.

Phoenixwriter
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-H.P. Deathly Hallows




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. . .I wonder how many points livurdestiny got for that review . . .
Anyway, I really like this story,and since you wrote this a year ago I'm sure you've improved tremendously, but at times during this it feels like your descriptions are really lacking and are crying out for some more powerful adjectives;

Then the quiet was conquered.(I like that bit haha)
Something like music flowed through the air, flowing into the ears of the two prisoners. Its sweet song filled the room. It was a piercing melody that seemed to slice through the air since it was so clear. It was unlike the sound of David’s flute, but sounded almost like singing. It was coming from strings! It was beautiful.
It made him feel a desire to not give up


And then he goes on to throw off his chains. It just doesn't feel like you've built up the mood really required for a moment like that. Also, some things are kind of awkwardly worded; Each passed away suddenly and quickly, with not a sound . . . David would’ve blushed out of embarrassment of his cheesy mistake, It just ruins the whole flow of the story.
Otherwise, everything else is really good, so yeah, KEEP IT UP!



If you don't know where you're going, any road'll take you there.
— George Harrison