Fireflies and Lightning Bugs

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Spoiler
Sorry it's so long and my choice of punctuation probably isn't that great. There's a long background story behind this, so it might not have the same meaning to you as it does to me.
When I’m asleep in the middle of the day
and the back of my eyelids are covered in mist
I’ll feel the vapor drift away
and dream that silence can really exist.

My breath is a dead even rhythm
and my heartbeat’s a metronome.
But I’d like to hear the quiet for once
then perhaps I won’t feel so alone.

Lost in the noises from within
I feel my pulse grow tired.
If only there was something other than grey
I’d find myself inspired?

And that’s when you came floating
your light so soft yet clear
against the haze of earthbound clouds
and everything I hold dear.

You became a lightning strike
and brought your thunder too.
The fire that’s always kept me warm
joined in and blazed anew.

Then flames and the sparks that lit them
embraced in a deafening sound
and when the explosion faded out
I was pressed against the ground.

Above me hovered you -
a blinding bolt of white
but your sparking could not be heard
and my burning was only a sight.

You reached your hand out to me
and I flew up from the earth.
The lack of sound was sweet as sky
as I perceived its total worth.

We danced in the open air
and our cold shine shone on mist
A wind both lifted us up
and made the grass blades kiss.

So if you are my lightning bug -
a luminous spark with wings -
then I will be your firefly
and together we will sing

in Morse code with our lights
through the hanging fog and black.
We have all night to make our way
to the silver moon and back.

While you are my lightning bug
and I am your firefly
we could stay in our jar all night
but I’d rather say goodbye

to all the noise around me
while I greet you and your spark.
Fly with me in blissful silence
as fire and lightning tame the dark.
Last edited by Daisuki on Sun Jul 24, 2011 3:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Oh, I wish I was punk-rocker with flowers in my hair.




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I loved your poem. I thought the rhythm was peaceful and smooth; seamless almost. I thought the topic was refreshing and the vocabulary wasn't too simple. Was this poem based on a song by chance? It reminded me of FIREFLIES by owl city who I also see that you quoted so I would watch out for originality with that. Just a thought there. But i liked your poem. great job.




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This is definitely my favorite poem of yours, Suki. You know how bad I am at reviewing and understanding this stuff, but I just want you to know that I liked it a lot. I loved all the imagery, and when that dude appeared from a lightning bolt or something, I don't know I just really fell for it ^_^ You had amazing rhythem (you always do) and it flowed very well to me. Usually I have something to say where a line could be rephrased, but not here. I don't think this needs any editing. This reminded me your other lightning song, but I liked this one much better.

So amazing job, I really liked this! I wish I had more to say XD I could never write a poem this good :)
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk




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I LOVED this. I loved how your words made me imagine every single thing that's happening. It took me away and I felt like I was living it! Again, I loved this! I instantly fall for fallen angels. That's what it felt for me.. even though you said it was he was a lightening bug.
My favorite part would have to be when you he took you away and you finally got to experience the quiet.. then you danced together ^^ <3
I would've loved it more, if he was a fallen angel, but it's your peom. =) I think it's really brilliant though! :-)

You reached your hand out to me
and I flew up from the earth.
The lack of sound was sweet as sky
as I perceived its total worth.

We danced in the open air
and our cold shine shone on mist
A wind both lifted us up
and made the grass blades kiss.


Definitely my favorite part... xoxo
I hope life isn't a joke, because I don't get it.




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WOW! This was absolutely amazing from start to finish! The first stanza caught my attention with the interesting yet perfect rhymes and the originality of the thought. Throughout you kept the rhyme scheme going. What made me exceptionally happy was that the rhymes weren't your simple "cat and hat" rhymes, but they were more intricate and creative. Great job with that! As I said before, I loved the thought that became the poem. And the last stanza, by far my favorite, was perfect to sum up the entire piece. It was obviously a closing point, but it was such a powerful line that it left me burning to read more.

I also loved how you used the different names for the same bug. Fireflies and lightning bugs. Usually you wouldn't think anything of them, but you took off the endings and used only the first part of the names... It left me with a stunning appreciation for those tiny little (shall I quote you?) "luminous sparks with wings".

All in all, I think this is absolutely perfect! I'm sorry this isn't much of a review... Since I could see no flaws, but if you'd ever like me to review anything go ahead and PM me. I promise I'm usually much more disciplined! :) Keep writing!
~Lukan
"She looks to the stars and wishes upon one; then waits for love at the next rising sun" <3




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This is quite solid as a piece of poetry. So often rhymes trip the reader up and feel forced but here I feel they flow quite well together. The style is simple, calming, and quite beautiful. There's a nice innocence to the love that doesn't give way to sexuality or entendre.

I felt at some points when read aloud the words did stumble a bit in rhyme, not so much forced as there'd be a free flow that suddenly bunched up if you get my drift. Also, it read odd that you seperated stanzas yet they flowed into one another literally, they'd be cut off and continue in a new four line stanza, and that doesn't really fly with me.

Aside this I'm quite impressed with this poem. you have some wonderful depth and imagery to the lines.
should be proud of this one.




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Dai! HEY!

Late review, I know, but I have been so busy. Summer vacation wasn't much of a vacation, free-time wise. I just came here to say that I absolutely adored this. It was beautiful in an achingly sweet way, and it gave me goosebumps several times throughout the whole thing. I don't have much criticism, but since I want to be helpful I'll do my best.

Your flow is superb, and your rhymes are excellent because they aren't obvious. Obvious rhymes set off the reader, as you know, and you did an excellent job in avoiding that. However, the first stanza has a really rough flow compared to the rest of your stanzas.

When I’m asleep in the middle of the day
and the back of my eyelids are covered in mist
I’ll feel the vapor drift away
and dream that silence can really exist.


I read it out loud and it didn't have a steady rhythm. Actually, your rythm got better as the poem went on, but we want all of the poem to be fantastic. The imagery of this stanza is great, so that's why I want to see it perfect.

When I'm unconscious during the day
and my eyelids are covered in mist
I'll feel the vapor drift away
and dream that silence exists

or something like that, anyway.

Then flames and the sparks that lit them
embraced in a deafening sound
and when the explosion faded out
I was pressed against the ground.


This stanza rocks. I adore it. I love all this poem. This should be a review, but it isn't. I just love a rhyming poem done well, you know? I was confused when you said fireflies and lightning bugs, though. I thought they were the same thing, and I still do. Are lightning bugs boy fireflies or what? Perhaps I'm just ignorant, but your poem felt like it was stating a difference between the two, like the two different bugs complemented each other, so it was a bit odd.

Soo, I'll stop being useless here and say I loved this. Your best work, I think. It has a lot of emotion and heart. It feels real, unlike so many poems I've read. You know, where they try so hard to be poetic that it comes off stiff. Yours isn't like that. It feels natural. Keep at it Dai.

Esther
It's writing prompt week on my blog a very random pickle!:
http://veryrandompickle.blogspot.com/



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the day belongs to expectations but the night belongs to me
— canopy