I Ran Away With Ed (We Watched)

I Ran Away With Ed (We Watched)


my shadow is lonely under
the ashes that I left behind.
(our hearts, torn asunder,
didn’t you take that in mind?)

heal the ever-coughing harbour,
I waste away, and you -
forsake (we lie awake)
trudge on (and on…) and on,
(and if we only knew…)

come to call on me?
find better calluses for company.
for when I fall, I flee
into my dead-Barbie corset humvee.

will they write your name
on your tombstone to prove that you came?
as you lay awake,
will they cry, will their blood-rivers quake?
will they cry, will their blood-rivers quake?

when you die, what the hell will you take?

- - -

where was the damned old
ballerina chopped? Was it us,
or the Carolinas’ gassed-up sun?

both took it easy, peaches,
quiet is a chainsaw, we fought
for the grinding, and the fight was done.

bleed us out of sight,
what we could have done right,
is a joke,
is a laughing old faithful.
and we –

died in her blue jeans,
died to atone, well
she sauntered off the meter,
did she die alone?

Hello there,
I think this is one of the best unpublished rhyming poems I've read. I really love the use of parentheses

lilchoma wrote:both took it easy, peaches,
quiet is a chainsaw, we fought
for the grinding, and the fight was done.

I thought that was the most beautiful stanza. Not so sure about the line-break though, I don't think it's necessary. The one-line question before serves as a good bridge to piece the two parts together.

lilchoma wrote:where was the damned old
ballerina chopped? Was it us,
or the Carolinas’ gassed-up sun?

Maybe just because I don't know what this stanza is getting at, but I feel like it should be omitted. Even if I did understand it, it doesn't seem to fall in line with the rest of the poem; it's as if it has its own rhythm but the rest of the poem has a different rhythm. But maybe I'm just making up nonsense.
Besides that, it was pure pleasure to read. I would highlight the parts I liked but that would be the entire thing.

I don't even know what to say to this, except that it is one of the best poems that I have read in a while. I agree with Empress, and I love the way that you used the parentheses. You used just the right amount, which is a huge accomplishment, because they can be over-used easily.

The only thing that I could find was that the third and fourth stanzas are capitalized, while the others are not. I didn't know if you meant to do this, but to me they seem a little out of place. I like how the rest of them aren't capitalized.

The second stanza was my favorite, but I'm not quite sure why. xD
Anyway, I really enjoied reading this, and I can't wait for future pieces from you.

Cheers,
Indie

I have one question... Is 'you' supposed to be referring to the ED?
Because the part about the tombstone I think would make more sense if you said "will they write your name/ on MY tombstone to prove you came?". Because an eating disorder comes to a person... But I could have totally misunderstood that part.
Anyways, this was reallyyy good. It made me kind of sad because I could totally relate. I don't know.... It made me feel a lot of things. Which means you succeeded! Great job and I have no idea if this is personal or not but I'd so, hang in there

Hmm... I was kind of confused when I read this but still quite amazed. You're words are so imaginative and descriptive that it was hard to keep track on what was really happening, and yet it was really, very clear I like the topic you chose though, and you presented it in a hidden but clear way which I liked. Wait.. that can't have made much sense, what I mean is, you don't say exactely what's going on, but through your, as I mentioned, descriptive and imaginative words you still make it out. If to say something to help improve this piece I would like to wish for you to keep to one size and strucutre of your stanzas, it makes the impression as a whole much better - And also, you've used no punctuation or capitals... I'm a fan of capitals! Please edit this too, because without dots one might suffocate as you really snarled me in with this otherwise amazing piece. Many can realte to it, me included, it's strong, powerful, emotional and touching. Nice job!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness