Goldilocks Day

A 'Goldilocks' planet is a planet in a solar or galactic zone that can support life. (Earth is the perfect example of one of those 'Goldilocks' planets). I kind of took that idea and ran with it, and this was the result. The one review (by a friend) I've had so far has been positive, but I'm still not sure about it. So I hope you like it, and if you don't please tell me why.

1
They’re calling today a Goldilocks day, and grandma says we should be very excited. She seems to be excited herself, and every few moments she’ll stare outside and look at the pretty blue sky. She’ll whisper something to us and then go back to watching the clouds.

“This only happens once in a very long time.” was the first thing she whispered. “And it’s very special when it does. You’re very lucky you know? You’re only nine years old, and you’re seeing a Goldilocks day.”

“Yes grandma.” we would reply, me and my twin brother Darren. Then we would look outside with her, and watch the fluffy white clouds roll across the sky. As we watch the sun rises higher and higher, and once the clock strikes eleven grandma stands up and pulls out her cane. “Follow me kids.” she says, and walks toward the door. We follow her, a little confused. We have no idea what’s about to happen.

We step through the door and into our tunnel. Grandma tells us that there weren’t always tunnels; that once people could walk around wherever they wanted instead of through these big glass tubes. She says that once little kids like us could run and play games in that wavy green grass and in the gently sizzling streets. She said that there were these things called beaches, where they would lay down without anything over their heads except for the sky and the sun. “That was when I was your age.” she says, as she pulls out an old, beaten key from her purse. “A long, long time ago…” She smiles as she says that, and her eyes get distant. We can tell she’s remembering something nice, because her mouth turns up at the corners like she just ate a juicy piece of fudge. “Of course, that was before…” she trails off now, and walks down the tunnel toward a rectangular box. She sticks the key in, and suddenly I realize the rectangular box is a door. Grandma is about to open it.

“Wait grandma!” I say, “it’s too hot out there! You’ll burn up.”

“Not today Gracie.” she replies, her smile growing wider. “Not today.

Then she pulls open the door and suddenly she’s not just smiling. Her whole face is radiant. Then she’s taking deep breaths, raising her arms in the air. A new smell is floating into the tunnel. I don’t know what it is, but I like it.
Then grandma walks outside, and we follow her. I know I’ll never forget that moment when I first left the tunnel, when my feet touched something other than tile or asphalt or plastic or glass. I’ll always remember than crumbling sound the dirt made under my feet, and the wonderful itchy feeling that came with it.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it kids?” Grandma says, gazing out over the expanse of parched soil. We gaze with her, enthralled. There was nothing left on this Earth that wasn’t synthetic, created by man. Or at least, that was what we’d thought... but there was something new and special about this patch of dirt. Teacher had told us that everyone needed to live in our airtight houses and sealed tunnels because a long time ago a lot of silly people did stupid things to the Earth. Teacher said the Earth didn’t like those stupid things, and to get revenge on the silly people the Earth heated itself up. It heated itself up so much that people couldn’t live in it anymore.

“This doesn’t feel hot grandma.” I say, confused. “Teacher says that the Earth heated itself up.”

“It did sweetheart.” Grandma says. “And every day it heats itself up the same way, except on a Goldilocks day. On a Goldilocks day it forgets to heat itself up.”

“Why grandma?” Darren asks.

“I’m sure Teacher will tell you it’s because of something sciencey.” Grandma says this with a frown, and wags her cane. “But I think… no I know the real reason. It feels sorry for you young people, who never got to live on it before it got hot. So once in every many years, it has a Goldilocks day to make up for it.”

“Grandma, what did the silly people do to make it mad?” I ask. “What was so bad?”

“They messed up the Earth. They threw stuff in it and spewed stuff into it.” Grandma’s face fell. “They tortured it. Some people told them that the Earth would heat itself up, and they asked them to stop. But the other people didn’t stop, and the Earth heated itself up.” She pauses now, and kneels down to us. “But…!” she says with smile. “If you’re all very, very good and take care of the Earth, maybe someday every day will be a Goldilocks day.”


2
That was many, many years ago, and there have only been a few Goldilocks days since. Those are the only days of my life that I remember clearly anymore, but none like the one when I was nine. They’re saying tomorrow there will be another Goldilocks day, and I’m going to take my grandkids outside for the first time. They’re only six, and I’m not sure how much they’ll understand. Maybe I’m underestimating them. Maybe they’ll know what I mean when I tell them about what people used to do to the Earth. I don’t think they will, but I need to try. Maybe if everyone knew, what my grandma said so many years ago will come true.
Maybe then every day would be a Goldilocks day.

First of all, this is awesome. This is unique and what's especially great about it is that it's something that we can all connect to in some way. We live on Earth and we know what it's like to live on Earth, out in the air and in the grass, so you don't have to spend any time explaining that. We've all got it inside ourselves. Which means there's a lot less work for you to do in setting up the emotion of the story.

I feel like all you need for this to be successful is the explanation of what a Goldilocks day is somewhere inside the story, since it's not going to be published with authors notes, the information from the grandmother of her remembering what it was like once, long ago, the fear as she moves to go out where the kids KNOW it's too hot, and then the emergence into the Goldilocks day.

What it doesn't need is a useless appendage on the end, the baby talk from the grandmother, and the punctuation mistakes / awkward sentences. It would also be better, I believe, if you spent a little less time explaining how the Earth came to the way it is now, because it almost feels like you're trying to say "JEEZ DON'T POLLUTE". It would be more palatable, more natural, if you accepted the transition as fact and, if you think it's necessary for your characters to ask about it, explain in a less preachy manner. You're preaching to us through this event. You're showing us how terrible and nostalgic it would be if we had to live inside and could only go out a couple of days in our whole LIVES. We don't need it more blunt than that, you know?

This is a really nice concept.
If you work really hard on cleaning this up, I think it could become solid pretty quickly and go somewhere.
Let me know if you have questions. : )

Hannah

Some grammar-y things first:

“Yes grandma.” we#FF0000 "> would reply, me and my twin brother Darren. Then we#FF0000 ">would look outside with her, and watch the fluffy white clouds roll across the sky.

I’ll always remember tha#FF0000 ">t crumbling sound the dirt made under my feet, and the wonderful itchy feeling that came with it.

Now to the real review. I think the concept you have is really really good, and I love the phrasing of some of the sentences. That being said, I do agree with Hannah that it's a bit preachy, and along with some of those amazing sentences, you have some awkwardly structured ones. But the awkwardly structured ones kind of add to the oh-a-little-girl is narrating it (which kind of gets ruined at the end when you realise that it's being narrated by an older version of the little girl). The second part seems a little unnecessary, and it's a bit weird, since there's no tense change between the first and second bit, even though it's clear that it's the older adult version of the little girl that's telling the story. So, I think you should either change the tense of the first bit, or remove the second bit entirely.

Buuuut, over-all, I really like the story. It's something everyone can relate to, and it's easy to image this happening in the future.