No longer a poem!

No longer a poem!

You know, I know what you went through. A lot of people know what you went through and are familiar with the same feeling. But what's interesting is the word you chose to emphasize in this piece and the way you phrased it. You said blind and (luckily) put the author's note at the bottom, which allowed me to read this poem as if you were wondering about how a genuinely blind person would be able to interact with other people.

Now, the idea of love-blindness has been touched on a lot, because, like a said, a lot of people know how it feels and aren't strangers to it at all. But what you have here is a base to go into something new. What would you think if I asked you to consider trying to write this as if it were talking about actual blindness. The idea that a blind person would genuinely not be able to see the expression on someone's face and would have to judge a person based on something else: I think that's where an amazing experiment and potentially brilliant result could be found.

I also want to say that to an extent, I like your rhyme. It is, for the most part, effortless. But if you do attempt to expand this to something else, or even just on the same idea, be very careful that the rhyming doesn't lead you away from what words you really want to say. There are only a certain amount of words that rhyme with a certain amount of words, and what if the perfect one doesn't rhyme with any of them?

Also, I think there's value in your author's note where you talk about how you thought this person could cheer a rain storm. It's lovely, because, I mean, that's like RELIGIOUS power. He could make bad weather stop. That's a powerful expectation, something that would bring a lot of risk into your examination of this topic. You thought he could do this, but then... but then what?

So, I guess there are a couple of ways you can go from here. Try writing about blindness, or try expanding more about your expectations and what happened. Specific stories are always better than general ones.

"He held hands with my sister's best friend at the bonfire while I was in bed asleep" is always gonna be more engaging than "He cheated". So don't be afraid to get dirty (specific hehe).

Let me know if you have any questions, and good luck.

Hannah

aj14 wrote:They say the windows to the heart, lie within the eyes.
But what if you can't see their face,
Because your eyes are blind?
Blind to the liar.
Blind to the truth.
Blind to the one that speaks to you.
You fall for their strength,
Their wisdom and and being,
Not really knowing,
The harm that they mean.
Blue eyes,
Untrue eyes,
What are you saying? *HERE*
I'm blind to your words,
I'm even praying, for the truth.
Don't let me stay blind.

For starters, (look *HERE*) you change the voice of your whole poem halfway through. Suddenly the "you" (and the text in general) is directed at the subject of the poem and it hurts the consistency and flow. I would also avoid rhetorical questions, they're hard to use well and introduce your poem rather weakly. The poem in general is rather superficial. It's a haphazard string of thoughts and statements that tell us nothing more together or on their own, only showing meaning in face value. It's funny how you copyright it too, since this poem is so cliche and trite that the majority of it is practically plagiarized. Spend more time on your next poem.

EDIT: Welcome to YWS.

This poem was beautiful and honestly something everyone can connect to. I liked the poem, the length and the connection to the windows and the eyes, the blind.. the.. The story of it all. I liked the imagery, the dark deceit.
The only thing I question is the rhyming at the end, in a way it falls flat compared to the other lines. I still like it, but the ending stands out the most because the rhyming stopping (in a way).
Either way, I still like it. I enjoyed it. I really would love to read more of your work! Keep writing! This was amazing and beautifully written.
If you need any critiquing or anything else feel free to message me!
--Hayley

Let me tell you, as soon as I read the first line I was hooked to this poem. I like the overall message of thinking you trust someone and then they go and turn on you, while you ignored your friends who were telling and warning you the entire time that it would happen. However, the earlier reviewer is right. About halfway through the poem, the voice changes. You might want to work on that. Other then that, great piece. Strong emotion that almost anyone could relate to. I like it. Keep writing.

I love this poem, its full of so much feeling...

I love this poem! It's short and yet so full of emotion. I especially love the first line, and the ending. This is really good! You are obviously talented at poetry. Keep it up, and welcome to YWS!

Hey I just had to check out one of your poems And I'm really glad I did! This is great

They say the windows to the heart, no commalie within the eyes.
But what if you can't see their face, no comma
Because your eyes are blind?
Blind to the liar.
Blind to the truth.
Blind to the one that speaks to you.
You fall for their strength,
Their wisdom and being,
Not really knowing, no comma
The harm that they mean.
Blue eyes,
Untrue eyes,
What are you saying?
You're lies pile up,
And your story keeps changing.
Don't patronise patronizeme,
Don't tell me it's fine,
Cause in the end I was blind.

I would only take out a few commas, because I really thought they slowed the pace where it didn't need to be. Other than that, this was really marvelous. I was really moved by it. Incredible poem.