The War of the Swans: Prologue

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We used to spend so much time together. Whenever I came to Italia for the summer, it was with him that I found solace, happiness. He was my favorite person to be with – with the exception of my father and Giorgio- in the palace that felt more like a prison. He taught me so much, with his never wavering smile, dancing eyes and flamboyant, constant laughter.
The gardens were our favorite place. When we weren’t in the vast, echoing library reading books, or in the tapestry corridor playing chess, or in the kitchens sneaking sandwiches and sweets before dinner, we were out in the gardens. During the day, we would go around to each of the different flowers and see who could correctly give their Latin names the fastest. I always won; he laughed his bubbling laugh at that. At night, we would lie down on the plush grass of our favorite garden and gaze up at the stars. Sometimes we would talk about the universe, philosophy, and religion. He liked me for that, me being so young but knowing so much. Sometimes we would just lay there in silence, with no need for words, just each other’s presence.
The naïve child I was, I thought that he would live until the end of time. That he could never be wiped from the face of the Earth. That this incredible man with his timeless wisdom could never pass to nothingness. That we would be together forever…
That was then…
…And now, I stand here with a hardness in my heart, looking with disdain upon the man grandly leading the procession into the Duomo di Milano. My grinning, waving uncle who seems to not even remember that his father is now dead, six feet underground. I shouldn’t expect any remorse from him anyway, he, who has had his greedy eyes on the crown ever since he was old enough to know what he was and what he would become. He could easily get over the fact that his father was dead, but I couldn’t. And neither could my cousin Giorgio – who had slowed down his pace to walk beside me- though he was better at hiding it than I was.
“Good Lord, Isabel,” Giorgio said through his well-constructed fake smile he had plastered on his face for the many cameras flashing around us, “take that hangdog look off your face, you look as if you have been sentenced to the block.
“I do not,” I said defensively, although I knew that I did.
“Yes, you do. You are a princess of Italy for Goodness sake. Raise your head, walk with some grace, and for the love of God put a smile on your face!” George said with authority, though he was only seven months older that I.
I did what he told me however, though it took some effort that I barely had. I rolled back my shoulders and lifted my head until I had a ballerina’s posture and grace. I inhaled deeply and at the end of the breath I put on the widest, brightest, fakest smile known to man, and held it there until I was safely across the threshold to the Duomo di Milano, where no newscasters or flash photography was allowed. I exhaled the breath that I had been holding and my fake smile melted with it, leaving the bitter mask that had glued itself to my face for the past three weeks.
For two hours I sat frozen and stiff in my seat in one of the few balconies on the uppermost level of the cathedral, reserved for the royal family. I did not here any words that were said as the Pope of Rome conducted the coronation ceremony. I merely looked at my father who sat to the left of me, whose expression was blank and staring as he watched his brother being crowned with the Iron Crown of Lombardy, being appointed to the office that was once his father’s. I took his hand as I looked towards my uncle James and my aunt Maria, dressed in the finest robes of red velvet and ermine and gold thread, becoming the monarchs they were destined to be.
The only words that unfroze me came at the end of the coronation. I noticed the people around me rising to their feet to bow and curtsy accordingly in the direction of James and Maria, chanting words that made my face fall even further. I reluctantly rose to my feet as well, with the help of my father’s supporting hand. I curtsied slightly and my father bowed beside me as the voices of the people standing within and outside the cathedral and throughout all of Italy continued to call out the same chant:
“Viva il Re! Viva la Regina!”
I repeated after them, though only in a whisper, “Long live the King. Long live the Queen.”
Last edited by FemmeFatale on Sat Jul 30, 2011 9:22 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders."
-Lao Tzu




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Wow! That's really good! I loved the descriptive words, it all painted a very clear picture in my mind.

The only thing I noticed was: “take that hangdog look off your face, you look as if you have been sentenced to the block.

'Take' wasn't capitalized, and your forgot the end quotiation mark, but hey, if that's all you missed, then way to go!

I hope to read more very soon!
It isn't schizophrenia when you write about the voices in your head and get it published. That's talent.
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First off, wonderful title. Second, wonderful story. Your diction was wonderful, and the fact that you seem to know your topic very well is great, because it's hard to right about something you don't know. I really liked your imagery, and your details were perfect. Other than the mistakes in the earlier post, i saw no flaws. Well done.
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Wow, this was actually really, really good. Your description and prose was very interesting and elegant to read, and I usually dislike stories about royalty. In the small space of the prologue you've already build up good characterization for basically every character you have, which is really something. The plot seemed interesting enough, but the real strength was everything else. Great job! So yeah... not much to critic.

The one problem I had was that I was sort of confused as to who the "He" was that she spent so much time with. At first it seemed like a romance interest, but then later you say it's her Grandfather? It was a bit confusing and jolting. Maybe just introduce him as "Grandfather" or something.

Nitpick:
I did not here any words that were said as the Pope of Rome conducted the coronation ceremony.

I think you mean "hear". :D

Sorry if this wasn't that helpful, but I couldn't find much to critique! I'm really impressed by how good of a writer you are.
"This is a song for a scribbled out name
That my love keeps writing again and again
And again"




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Hey! Here for my review!

I love how by the end of the first paragraph, I was already slightly attatched to the charectors.

FemmeFatale wrote:“Good Lord, Isabella,” Giorgio (who had preferred to be called “George”) said through his well-constructed fake smile he had plastered on his face for the many cameras flashing around us, “take that hangdog look off your face, you look as if you have been sentenced to the block."


I feel like you don't have to include the parenthises. Just try to imply it later on in the story.

FemmeFatale wrote:I did what he told me however, though it took some effort that I barely had.


Use eather "however" or "though," it sounds awkward with both.

Those were the only nitpics I could find, and other than that I can't see anything wrong with it. Seriously keep writing. It has real potental.

--Bee--
"When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often suprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers."Ralph Waldo Emerson




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Thank you sooo much guys for all of your reviews! I reeaaallly appreciate it! @arspoetica: Thanks so much for all of your compliments haha :-). @Wariofart: Yes, the "He" she talks about is her grandfather, I was wondering whether or not to just come out and say that in the beginning but I thought that just saying "He" would be more mysterious. But I do see what you are saying, that in the beginning of the prologue you think that "He" is a lover of the narrator. I think I may change that now haha. Thank you so much for you input and compliments :-) + If you had to choose a place for me to introduce "he" as "grandfather" in prologue where would it be? Thnx again! @purpleandblue22 <3 how you started off your review lmao ;-) + Thank you for all of your comments :-) I understand what you are saying about the "George" part with all of the info in parentheses, I was shaky on whether or not to put that in there in the first place but I now I know to change it haha :-) + I also see what you mean about the "however, though" sentence, it does seem a little broken up. I'll work on that too! :-) Thank you soo much again!

P.S. Does anyone know if there is a way that you can answer each comment directly? I'm new here and I dont know how to work alot of stuff yet :-p thanks!
"To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders."
-Lao Tzu




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I LOVE your writing style; perfect flow, and pace. Even though I still don't know what War of the Swans is here, I can bet it's going to be a great story. I hope I get enough time to read the whole novel. Best of luck with your writinr future, man.

The description I liked best was:
well-constructed fake smile he had plastered on his face for the many cameras flashing
"The duke had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it
regularly went cuckoo."
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George said with authority, though he was only seven months older thatthan I.

I did not here hear any words


Mk, those were just some tiny mistakes. What I really want to say is that this is written very well. It caught my attention form the first sentence and held it until the last. I like how you held off telling who she was talking about until later. I can't put my finger on why, but it somehow made the story sweeter. Really good job. : )
"So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads."
— Dr. Seuss



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