Chapter 1: The Real Beginning

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Charama

June 19th, 1032

My name is Charama Halome. I live in a time one thousand years after
the life of Christ, and I am 18 years of age, outliving most in the area.
I have a height of five-four, a wieght of 100 pounds, long silky
straight blood-red hair, and a four year old daughter. We live in a
small house in Scotland with green grasses, beautifully crafted
walls, and the most gorgeous view you could possibly imagine,
outlooking the roaming hills and forests. I love my life, husband
and daughter with a force that nobody could rival. They are truly
my greatest gifts in this world. I love them with all my heart and I
couldn’t give them up for the world.

I met my husband, Ivan, when I was thirteen years old, and he was twenty
one. I had never seen such a handsome man, and he was so much closer
to my age than any other man and wife. A distance of only eight years.
We spoke and instantly fell in love.

We were married on the next full moon. When I was fourteen, I was
blessed with a child, and managed to survive the birth. It was quite a fight,
because the blood loss was immaculate, but some miracle pulled me through.
She was and is beautiful. She has her fathers hair colour, a dark blonde,
and my emerald eyes. I named my beatiful daughter after the moon.
The most majestic celestial object in the universe. Her name was from
that day forward Lunelle.

My husband is now severely ill with leprosy. I cannot touch my own
love for fear of catching the disease myself. I must keep my four year
old daughter from her father altogether because she will try to hold
him tight, and make the pain go away. The innocence of my child never
fails to bring tears to my eyes as I watch her weep for her father. He
has no more than a month to live and it pains me deeply that my precious
child will not be able to see her father in her most difficult times. He won’t
be there as she matures. He won’t be there when she blossoms into a beautiful
woman or gets married or gives birth to her very own childand it kills me.

The night is dark. The stars are shining so brightly in the black sky,
though, that it sheds some light onto the land for us to be able to
use the gift of sight given to us by our dear God. Tears are steadily
rolling down my face, wetting my high cheekbones and, surely, making
them glisten.

I hear my daughter call out to me from the house. She is hungry for
her dinner. I go inside and prepare her a snack of grains. We are not
a wealthy family. What we have is little, but it can sustain us for a
short time. She eats it contently, for she is not a picky eater. She is
grateful for all that she has because she knows that it’s more than
most others have acquired.

There is a knock at our door, but the possibilities of guests are limited
in our town. I suspect that it is our closest neighbor, Agnes, asking
for more sugar. When I answer the door, I am surprised to find a tall
man. He towers about six inches over me. His hair is dark, his skin is
fair, and his eyes are intriguing. They are like sapphires in the pits
of his skull, staring straight into my soul. I had never before seen
such a beautiful man.

I mentally shake myself from my state of shock and ask, “May I help you, sir?”

He responds in a voice like velvet, but with panic in his eyes. Smooth.
“Yes, miss, please. I was just out hiking in the woods with my son. He
said that he saw something. Some sort of animal. I warned him over
and over not to get too close, but he didn’t listen. He approached the animal. It must
have been a wolf of some sort, because it grabbed him around the ankle
and dragged him away. I threw my pack at it, but it just kept moving.
Please, miss, you must help me.”

My first instinct is to reach out and calm the man, but something just
doesn’t seem right about it. I am a mother, and my instincts are much
stronger about children than others who are not gifted with a child. A
father would show much more obvious signs of worry about his lost son. This
man seems rather unmoved and cold about the incident. This man was not
speaking truthfully.

“I’m sorry, sir. I cannot help you. Your son must be dead by now with
that wild beast. I’m afraid it will be a lost cause. Please forgive
me.” I begin to close the door, but the man shoves his hand between it
and the wall, making it bounce back a bit after the collision. He pushes
the door back and speaks again.

“But surely you must help me to find his remains.”

“I’m sorry sir. I am of no help. I cannot navigate these woods.”

“But you must try! My son is lost out there. He might still be alive.
Please, help me.”

I can see the tears that are beginning to form at the corners of his
eyes, and I begin to believe him and give in, but then I see something
in his eyes that not only scares me, but confuses me. A glint of red.

“I am sorry, no.”

There is then a very sudden change in him. He no longer has a pleading
look in his eyes. His expression has turned to stone. “You little
witch!” The man snarls in a way that was not in any way human. His
pupils slit, his nostrils flare and he prepares his body for an
attack. “You should have helped me!”

He launches and grabs the back of my neck. I could feel his fingers digging
into my neck, and I could instantly tell that this man wasn't going to
show me any mercy. With one violent tug, he yanks my head backwards
and all I can see is the moon and stars hovering above me in one flawless
masterpiece.

I’m being dragged into the woods.
Last edited by shadowspeaker69 on Sun Jul 24, 2011 4:45 am, edited 1 time in total.




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This is really good! I love how you wrote it and showed the charaters feelings.
He has no more than a month to live and it pains me deeply that my precious

child will not be able to see her father in her most difficult times. He won’t

be there as she matures. He won’t be there when she blossoms into a beautiful

woman or gets married or gives birth to her very own childand it kills me


I can't wait to read more! Keep writing!
Life is to be lived, not survived.




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The story was very nice. I like the plot so far. Though, there are some things that I need to tell you, in my opinion.

Everything went well, though at the last portion, when the man starts attacking her, I feel that you are describing too much.

He launches and grabs the back of my neck. His nails are digging into
my skin and I can feel a bead of blood forming under the pressure.
He’s breaking my neck! He yanks my head back painfully so that all I
can see is the full moon hovering above us with the blackness and the
stars all surrounding their queen.


Instead of saying, "His nails are digging into my skin" perhaps you could write, "I could feel his nails digging into my skin". As said before, to me, it feels as if you were just describing and there was not much feeling involved. Also, (as always) show, not tell. For example, instead of writing "he yanks my head back painfully" you could write something like "I felt a sudden pull and my head shot backwards, making me face the sky." or something of the sort.

Though that is just my opinion, and I am not that good a writer yet. But overall, it is a really good piece of work. I'd like to see more. :D
Everything is so troublesome! D:.




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More brilliant writing but I have to agree with the above comment by saying that much of this piece does seem to describe rather than to tell us how the character is actually feeling. Since it is written in the 1st person this chapter is a perfect chance to see how scared she is etc. of this strange man who is dragging her out into the woods.

Overall though I loved it as much (if not more) than the prologue! Can't wait for more! :)
'Are you saying Ni to that old woman?'
'Yes'
'Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say Ni at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress in this period in history'




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Okay, thanks for the pointers, guys. I fixed the last paragraph, and I fully plan on using this as I go through all of my other chapters as well. This really helped :)



The important thing is never to stop questioning.
— Albert Einstein