The Unwritten

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Alright, so this is my first story that is on this site. =D
It was done with the help of ScarlettFire, Samp as well as LavenderBlue. So credits to them, because they helped with tips on how to make my writing better.

Initially the story wasn't meant to go as it has. But it turned out great anyway, so here it is!

The Unwritten


CHAPTER ONE

The shuffling of feet could be heard echoing through the almost empty hallway. Albin crept slowly to the edge of the door, straining his ears to eavesdrop on the guards inside.

"First light is when we shall return fire," one of the guards said. "They won't be suspecting a thing."

"You seem so sure about this, Krein," The other guard replied. "And if they happen to know about such...?"

"You scare yourself too much, Mythen. As long as they don't find out about the worlds--" Krein stopped himself almost too suddenly, as if he knew something. Then Albin heard the footsteps. Louder and louder it became, as Krein walked toward the door. Mythen followed behind, slowly, not wanting to get behind the action.

"What is it?" Mythen said, ever so softly. Krein held up a finger, silencing Mythen.

"Shush!" Krein shot at Mythen, making Mythen flinch. It was clear that Krein knew someone was at outside their room.

Thoughts raced through Albin as Krein got closer. He took two of the best options that appeared: to stay, and hope that Krein does not enter the hallway, or to turn and make a run for it. Both of course had its risks, but he had chosen what he was to do. It didn't matter to him, though, both options lead to the same conclusion if ever something happens. He would get killed.

Albin turned and started his sprint to the entrance of the hallway, which alerted Krein and Mythen.

"Intruder! Get him!" Krein shouted. Guards started flowing out from other doors that were located along the hallways.

Albin turned to see a wave of guards chasing him. 'Perhaps his wasn't as good an idea as I thought it was,' Albin thought. He had his sword with him now, though fighting in the narrow hallway wouldn't have been a wise choice.

The exit was visible now, and Krein was advancing. Albin sprinted to the door, smashing it open with his shoulder. As he got out into the courtyard, the sun blinded him momentarily, and he stopped. When his vision recovered, he was surrounded by the guards, the tip of their spears all pointed at him.

"What's this? A spy?" Krein started laughing at Albin and started circling around him. "Pitiful creature! You are but a pawn in a game. Getting rid of you will be easy."

Albin reached for his sword, that was hanging upon his waist, slowly.

"Or did you come to find out about the worlds?" Krein said, this time his eyes were widened. Albin replied by lunging forward, his arms stretching out, aiming at Krein's head.

Suddenly, the guards behind Krein was between them, blocking the blow. The clash was huge, the sound of metal scraping against metal pierced the air. Albin jumped back, staring at the guards that now stood in front of Krein. But his leg was hit. He knelt down, the tip of his sword on the ground, helping him keep his balance.

"Mythen," Krein called out. Mythen appeared from the crowd of guards. "Kill him."

Mythen's face showed an expression of pure shock, but only for a second. His head turned and stopped when it faced Albin's. He slowly trudged forward to where Albin stood, sliding a dagger out of his belt.

As he bent down to meet Albin's face, he whispered, "Be safe..."

A swift forward swing and the knife met Albin's skin, entering forcefully, slicing open his stomach as well. As Albin winced and clutched the dagger, Mythen pressed on the side of his wound. Tears started flowing out of Albin's eyes as blood seeped around the dagger. Mythen stepped back and Krein approached Albin. As Krein bent down, he placed his hand on Albin's shoulder.

"This does not appear to be yours," Krein grabbed the dagger and pulled it out of Albin, making Albin's sight darkened as the blood flowed between his fingers and dripped to the ground. He slumped forward, and his hand let go of the wound, leaving him lying face down in a small pool of blood...
Last edited by Folius on Fri Jul 22, 2011 5:15 am, edited 1 time in total.
Everything is so troublesome! D:.




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I loved it, it was interesting and very thrilling, with rock-solid characters, I want more soon, or else...
Folius, first publish! I'm very proud of you! Keep the good work.
There were some mistakes and some clumsy phrases here and there, but all in all, it was well written.
Is it weird if I liked Krein?
I'll be waiting...
'I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.' -Stephen G. Tallentyre

"Great minds think alike- idiots are unpredictable"

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Ooooooo I haven't read a story about other worlds since the pendragon series!!! This could be a new favorite of mine!!!

Your characters are good so far, I'm looking forward to more developement and descriptions.

You kept my interest the whole time, your actions scenes are amazing!! Not to much and not too little description.

I loved it!!! In one part you said "it was clear he knew someone was outside the door," or something like that...just one little thing you could try instead is something like "He leaned closer to listen outside the door, someone was outside." or something like that.

Tell me when the next part is up!!!!
Sometimes you've just got to accept the way things are and move on, but not us...




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I loved the suspense and the action! Your style is one that draws the reader in, which is key in good (and addicting) writing. It will keep readers hooked and wanting more. Killing you main character in the first chapter is interesting, and I don't think I've ever seen that before. However, because it's the first chapter, it's obvious that it's not the end, only the beginning (dun dun DUN!!!!) which causes plenty of drama and suspense. Good job, I look forward to the next instalment!
"I don't cause commotions, I am one." Elphaba (Wicked the musical)




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I think this story has potential and it seems exciting but I don't that jumping right into action was a good choice for a begining. I was so confused that it didn't really matter if it was exciting or not. I understand that you will probably get into more detail later in the story but this seemed more like a prologue then an actual chapter. I really think that you should change this to a prologue because I was left feeling very unsatisfied. Don't get me wrong I think it's actually very good but I still have the same amount of knowlege of your book that I had before I stared reading it. I am looking forward to reading more, and I really like the way you write and put things. I'd have to say my favorit part of it was how well you seemed to act as your character. So all and all I congradulate you and hope you continue on with this story. Also, please do not take this as a bad review. It's a very good story so far just want to make that clear!



who you become at your worst isn't who you are
— canopy