The Dancing Statues

This was originally a short story, but I felt it would be better this way. Although, this is like my first real poem...ever. So bear with me! Ha-ha. I know next to nothing about the rules of phrasing stanzas, poem punctuation, and all that. Go ahead and tear this poem a part. Ha-ha, it needs some work.




The horizon began to stir
A sweet dream in its head.
The prelude of dusk’s coming
When twilight’s royal blue breath sets the sky.
No bird sings
Or a cricket chirp.
The grass, too, seemed to be frozen in time

An outreached hand longs for its lover
A longing hand in which carved from white stone
He steps towards the other
Gently picking her up and spinning her to awake.

She blinks
And the two statues reach towards the heavens
The imprisonment of dust, debris, and loneliness broken away.
Slowly they look at each other
Sinking in what is the promised day when they’ll meet again.

They borrow the souls of a two that once loved
Although never had a chance to live.
For their moments were lost in the wind.
And their love
Though planted in a lovely garden
Never grew.
Their paths forcefully torn apart
Destiny stopping them in their tracks.
The universe against them
Shattering a cadence of stolen kisses

But now it’s just them.
They possess a thing that will freeze at dawn’s break
Together for eternity.
But before they turn to stone
They dance.

They bow.
Signaling a last and final rhythm.
Rock bodies become free. Familiar.
They are together.
Gracefully swaying to a silent melody
An unspoken ballad
An intimate and desired song.
Two statues’ love shining through cemented hearts.
Lines crease at lips
And a smile breaks their face.

They see into the other’s eyes and rest in their soul.
A long awaited day now reality.
But somehow still fantasy.

Magic from the Heavens grants them a final farewell.
They cross into a field of flowers
Illuminating everything in their touch.
A moment so precious that
In all their leaps and jumps
They don’t catch air
The air catches them.

The aches in their hearts heal with every step.
Their dance expresses what they never had.
Love, passion, soul, and desire.
They are the statues that dance in the night.
In midnight’s stars they born a story.
A story filled twirls, happiness, and pointed toes.

And they danced across the field of flowers.
Stone hearts breaking, beating
Their bittersweet tears soak into the soil,
knowing a final farewell.
But before they turn to stone,
They take just one last look at their world
and at each other.

This has a lot of good imagery, but it is too long. I've read prose before that's been converted into poetry, and this reads like that. You take too long to set the scene-- the first stanza could probably be cut in half.
Stanzas four and five could probably be molded into one stanza.
And then I would eliminate the last three stanzas.
The major difference between poetry and prose, in my opinion, is not the form of the stanza or the rhythm or length- those are the byproducts. Poetry is what happens when people try to describe the practically indescribable using the fewest words possible.
I hope that was somewhat of a help; this is a beautiful story with beautiful imagery that just needs to be tightened a bit.
Good luck on this and your other projects; I highly encourage you to keep writing poetry.

The first stanza I loved. It begins with a perfect picture in my head of a still night/morning. When the sun is peaking and the night is yawning. Brilliant.

The second stanza, I'm a wee bit confused on where they are...(I would say to an editor "why does it matter?") But it just really bothers me that this couple would be sleeping outside... :/ I don't know.. anyways. I also don't believe 'spinning' is the right word. It sounds to dizzy. It could be cradling or something softer like you have been describing. The word 'spin' conflicts with the reality your creating.

The third stanza, awwwwwwww so cute! especially 'Sinking in what is the promised day when they’ll meet again.' I love that line and it was very well delivered. This stanza is so elegant. I love it!

The fourth is so sentimental. It's bitter sweet. Its lovey and beautiful but also sad. Your work on this one is very strong. I have nothing to complain about.

Fifth, that makes me happy. That they cherish the moments they do have. Unwanted love to the world but forever meant to be. This poem is fantastic.

Sixth, I love how real your making this. "smile" part is my favorite.

Seventh and on, Again bitter-sweet but this isn't repeating so its fine. It was beautiful. Keep writing and explore different words.

I think the length of this was perfectly fine actually - you said you converted it from a story, and it feels that way, but it's wonderful. It has a lot of beautiful imagery, and although there are some lines where I feel you could avoid cliche, as a whole it was really well thought-out and constructed. I really enjoyed the way you ended it; it was strong, convincing and bittersweet at the same time. You might want to vary your vocabulary a little bit, and as far as I can see your punctuation is perfectly fine, so in general, really good job. Keep writing.

This poem was beautifully written. The imagery that you used places you in the scene and you can see it all unfolding. I found nothing wrong with the length, however shortening it slightly couldn't hurt.