Escape to Fate - Part Two (link to part one below)

viewtopic.php?t=83496
/\ /\ this is the link to part one if you have not read it yet! Please help me out and rate if possible!

The bright lights blinded me as I tried to sit up. Where was I....where the hell was I? Even though my vision was bleak, I could hear the sounds of people yelling orders to eachother. Why? What were they doing? Whoever ‘they’ was. “Hello? Can you hear me?” one of the men asked me, somehow this seemed familiar. “Yes. Where am I?” “Your in the hospital, you were found by a tour guide and you needed immediate medical care from dehydration.” I remembered everything the man explained to me. The tour guide, the dehydration, It was all coming back into place. “Do you feel alright? Dizzy at all? Nashus?” “No I feel fine, but I am still thirsty.” “We thought you would be. Here take this water bottle and have small sips, don[‘t drink to fast, no matter how hard the temptation. I will call your parents and they will be able to take you home and look after you. Nothing serious! Just make sure to hydrate constantly.” Call my parents? The one’s who lied about loving me? The one’s who abandoned me in the middle of the desert? They would never bother to come pick me up, let alone take care of me! I don’t want to be with them anymore anyways but where will I go, what will I do...? “Ah, I’m not sure you want to call them...” I said expecting a laugh. “Why not?” he replied seriously. “Because they abandoned me in the middle of a desert when they found out they were not my biological parents. I doubt they would come pick me up, especially take care of me when I am sick!” The doctor looked at me a few moments, then grinned. “Ok, I think the dehydration is getting to you, come now sit down on the chair outside in this hallway.” He said, pointing down the hall. “No! That is the truth!” I yelled at him. He didn’t say anything, he just put his hand on my back and walked me out into the hallway and sat me down in a chair. “I’ll be back soon” He said as he waled back into the room I was previously placed in.
I had a pretty good view of him talking on the phone with Evan. I could even hear the shouting going on through the other line. Evan probably wasn’t too happy about this whole situation. The doctor hung up and walked into the hallway and garbed a chair next to me. “So you really were telling the truth about your parents huh?” “Evan and Jill...but yes” “I am sorry to say they told me, they would not come for you.” “ Don’t sweat it, after everything, I knew they wouldn’t bother....”

Hey, Apple here.

So I thought that I'd get straight into the review then lighten it up with all the parts of this story that I absolutely adored at the end. Now I am going to point that I do not do grammar/spelling reviews, but that doesn't mean you're off the hook. I still found quite a lot of errors and the occassional spelling mistake. My suggestion to you would be to check out the grammar forums that deal specifically with this kind of jumble. They helped me improve my grammar ten fold, so they will do the same for you.

I am confused as to why you split these two apart. I can tell you now that they both would've fit on the same thread. So now that I am on to that line of order, I think I'll continue on. In one word, presentation is extremely important. It's what lands CEOs the best jobs, and helps readers read more easily what the author has written. You've clumped a whole heap of paragraphs together making it all appear to mixed up. Dialouge in any context is actually considered a new paragraph, so therefore it should be on a line by itself. Just from looking over that first hunk of text, I am already lost as to where to start. My suggestion to you is to go through it, and add more paragraphs. There are plenty oppurtunities to do so, so there is no excuses. All I am saying is that in the long run, your reader will thank you for it.

I think the MC's reaction to waking up in the hospital room was weak. Now place yourself in her shoes. If you woke up in a hospital room without a single clue in the world where you were, would you be able to just ask: where the hell you are? Let me put it this way; my friend had to get her wisdom teeth out, so she partially knew were she was, though when she woke up to find herself in a hospital bed she freaked out. Literally broke down crying, shouting and howling. She was petrified. Now I must admit she's a bit of a drama queen but when I ask other people they do resist in some way. They try to get up, they start crying... When put in that position, you don't know who is out to get you. For all you know, you've been kidnapped by a group of plants wanting to see the inside of you. Pulling back to the point, you've got to try and implicate this fear into the MC's life. Make her freak out and the terror she feels so emotional that even we as a reader can feel it.

Nashus

What's nashus? Oh you mean nauseous. For a second there I was just staring at the word thinking: what the hell? What in Pete's name is a nashus, and then I said it aloud.

Moving on! Now this all sounds over the top. Just give me a second to register. So her parents left her in the desert because they weren't her biological parents...

Alright, that's okay, but I want you to take a few seconds to understand just how big of a sub-plot you've just made. In the first part, you're going to have to show that the parents and the MC did not have a friendly relationship. No matter if they're true or fake parents, they'd never abandon a child unless they were sick in the head. You've got to be willing to point this out. You have to have the father and the mother constantly mentioning how much they hate their daughter, or if you want to do it behind the MC's back, then she has to hear them talking. On top of that you've got to make sure the love the fake parent's show is truly a lie. This means that they say odd things, their hugs are awkward and they try with every fibre in their body to avoid their daughter.

So I just went back and took a look at the first part. I like they you did that by the way. But I think now that when she was in her dehydrated state she could've easily seen her father and/or mother abusing her in some kind of way. Since I just skipped to this part, I thought that it was a little weird that her parents would just leave in her the middle of no where but if you keep frequently adding in scenes of abuse and hardship, then the reader can connect more with the MC. And it will also help lengthen this peice just that little more.

Finally, I've finished critiquing and I can continue onto what I favoured. I liked the fact that you showed and not told. It's a very common problem that mostly every writer suffers through, and yet in this peice I couldn't find any occassion where you did this. Good job. The characters also seemed to have some kind of depth of personality that it was enough for me to relate to the characters. I still think that you need to add more into this department, though from what you do have, I can easily slip into her shoes. Another thing I enjoyed was the fact that you explained things rather rythmically. Instead of using boring words to put across a point, you strung together sentences that made my eyes dewey.

Other then that, I have nothing else to comment on. If you wanted to ask any questions, don't be afraid to send me a PM or post on my wall.

Wow thank you so much for all of your critical comments! You showed me a lot of things I can improve on! Thank you so much! And i'm happy you liked some of it! You have been a lot of help!