The Herd - Coming Together (prologue)

Thunder clapped loudly, echoing across the barren plains. The stallion raised his head, his white coat seeming to glow in the half-light of the dark evening. He shivered, sensing a storm. The thunder rumbled again and the stallion tensed, the storm’s electricity sparking in his mind. The air was getting clammy, close and hard to breathe. A flash of lightning streaked across the sky, illuminating the landscape, the tufts of long grass casting spooky shadows onto the floor. The stallion reared, his eyes reflecting the light of the lightning, tail streaming into the near darkness. He plunged back down to earth, springing forward on powerful hind legs, muscles rippling as he swallowed up the rough and uneven land in long, sweeping strides. It began to rain, at first a gentle drizzle, then cascading into a windswept torrent.

Still the stallion ran on. He didn’t tire, bravely battling the elements to reach a drier home. His coat, usually fluffy, was slicked to his sides, his mane blowing behind was whipped against his neck, sending spray in all directions. His nostrils flared with the effort of trying to inhale as much oxygen as possible, his eyes showing white at the edges.

The thunder rumbled again, the stallion extended his stride to breaking point as he saw a forest on the horizon. As he neared it, the wind dropped slightly.
A whinny broke the stallion’s concentration on reaching the forest. He paused, whipping round to his right. He stepped back in surprise as he saw a stocky piebald mare, with a long mane slicked against her neck and feathers caked in mud. Her left eye was a lustrous blue, and she blinked at the stallion calmly, as if it wasn’t raining at all. She smiled.
“Hello, Cloud.”
“How do you know my name?” The stallion was again startled. He raised his foreleg, ears pricked. It had suddenly stopped raining.
“You’d be surprised at what I know.” The mare neighed. She lifted her head to the sky, and the stallion followed her gaze. The clouds and darkness had all but disappeared; in their place?

A beautiful rainbow stretched across the sky.

The horses looked at each other.
They knew that something special had begun.




PLEASE COMMENT - SHOULD I CARRY THIS ON? IMPROVEMENTS? N.B. I am English so spelling may be different to y'all American's!

I am English too. Yay! Anyway, this is a good start. It does everything a prologue should: introduces whatever is going on, builds up tthe first few chapters and has great potential all round. However, to improve, I think you should focus on the repetition of words e.g. thunder. I think they shouldn't be used to often, so it would be good to see substitute words. Overall, a good start. keep up the good work.

Very very nice. I say you continue it. In fact, please continue it.

YAY! Thanks guys, will bear that in mind for the next chappie. Tah!

Hi, MillieandMissy!

Aw, a horse story! So cute!

The first paragraph is a bit long. The beginnings are really important, because often when we look at a story, we read the first couple of lines to decide if it's interesting enough to keep reading. Now, when your beginning is this long, it's more difficult for the reader to get hooked. Especially when this is a prologue, it should probably be more concise and compact than if it was the first chapter of a story.

Not that the first paragraph is bad. The descriptions are vivid, but it would be more powerful if it was split in two.

sending spray in all directions.

Hmm. I get what you mean by this, it just sounds a bit awkward...

His nostrils flared with the effort of trying to inhale as much oxygen as possible

The italicised part sounds weird, since of course it's oxygen that we and horses breathe. Maybe replace it with "inhale as deeply as possible" or "fill his lungs with as much air as possible"?

The clouds and darkness had all but disappeared; in their place?

The way you finish this sentence isn't natural. Again, I get the idea, it's just the execution that needs polishing. "...all but disappeared - in their place, a beautiful rainbow stretched across the sky" or something like that would sound better.

All in all, this was so sweet. Continue by all means! At least it's something a bit different.

Have a good day!


Demeter
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