Blade and The Curse Chapter 1

Not too far into the past, a child was found in an abandoned warehouse. This boy is Blade. He had blonde hair, and his skin was tanned slightly by the sun. Loved by everyone within his beloved town of Faeris, he found everyone to be a friend.

"Claire, Claire! I found a seashell! Look, isn't it pretty?" Young Blade cried to Claire, the woman who had raised Blade as her own.

"That it is, dear Blade. Shall we go show it to Mister Fray?" Claire asked.

"Yeah!" Blade said, and ran off to the mayor's cabin. He smiled as he ran, and was greeted by all. He knocked on the door, and smiled even more as Mayor Fray opened it.

"Here, for you, Mister Fray!" Blade said.

"Thank you, Blade, I love it, now run off, and go have fun." Mayor Fray said with a chuckle. This is not the only time the young boy gave a present to Fray, for he loved the man like a child would love his father.

The child grew up well, and on his 14th birthday, he was allowed to explore the world outside the town of Faeris.

"Blade is strong and is a good child. He never gets into any trouble, and everyone loves him. Does he truly have to leave?" Claire asked. The wrinkles on her kind face were obvious, even in the dim light of the town hall. Her gray hair was neatly tucked into a bun, and a few strands fluttered down around her face.

"Unfortunately, Ms. Claire, he has never once thought of leaving the town, so it is a perfect time for him to explore. He has never once been outside of the town, and has no friends his age." said Mayor Fray.

"Alright, let us hope that he is truly the savior of the town." Claire whispered reluctantly.
.......

"Now Blade, don't go and get yourself all sorts of enemies. Find some companions, friends, and whatnot." Mayor Fray said with a laugh.

"Do I really have to go? I don't want to leave you all behind." Blade asked.

"Blade, I have explained this to you many times before. You need to go, before it's too late, and you're forced to stay here forever, like the rest of us." Claire said and smiled a sad smile.

The town of Faeris is a cursed town. Those who stay in the town for too long after having thoughts of leaving are forced to stay within the town forever. Blade thought.

"Alright fine, but I'll figure out a way to destroy the curse, and I'll come back to visit one day." Blade said reluctantly. He didn't want to leave, but he knew he had to go.

"Oh, before you go, take this sword. If you use it right, it should get you far." said the blacksmith, Christopher. Blade raised the sword high into the air, and smiled as it shined in the sun's rays. The wind kissed Blade's face, and he knew it was time to go. He turned to the town gate, and started walking. As he stepped through the gate, he looked back to see the smiling faces of his friends.

Amazing! I love it. Cannot wait to see what lies ahead for blad. Genius idea! Cannot wait. Without a doubt I will like this story.

I will start by saying that I am an avid fantasy reader and writer, and so you need have no fear that I will be biased against your work. However, I must ask a very important question: Are you familiar with the maxim of "show, don't tell" expounded by most if not all professional writers? In a nutshell, the maxim is that you must trust the reader to understand what you are writing. Do not tell them what the characters are feeling et cetera, show us their reactions and let us draw our own conclusions.

Example of telling:
Dan was really sad because Sarah had upset him.

Example of showing:
Dan stared at his shoes, trying not to look at Sarah. He could feel the tears building behind his eyes, and kept blinking to ensure that they didn't spill out and run down his cheeks. He would never let Sarah see him crying.

Obviously, in showing you do find elements of telling, and vice versa. However, it is important not to run to one extreme or the other. It would be impossible to work out what was happening if the author never told you anything. Yet, on the other hand, it would be unbelievably boring if the author told you absolutely everything.

This is a problem I have witnessed in your work so far.You have introduced a character and merely listed a few facts about him. Then, you jump straight into a conversation between two talking heads. I have no idea who these two people are, barring names and titles, and I have no idea who they are talking about, or where, or why, or even what any of them look like.

Actually, that being said, you did work in the fact that Claire's forehead is wrinkled rather well. Brownie points there.

It is too hard to care about these characters, and this persists for the rest of the chapter.
Yet I came here to review your story, not to bury it. For that reason, here is some advice. Start by telling us the story of how this child was found in an abandoned warehouse. Don't just list the facts, describe why someone has gone into this abandoned warehouse, and how they find the child. "Why were they in there? Why was it abandoned? That sort of thing.
Then, describe him growing up. No, even better, show us scenes from his childhood that show him growing up to be the person he is described as. At the same time, introduce any other townsfolk who will fill an important role. I would suggest working them into Blade's memories.

Lastly, why name a child 'Blade'?

If you decide that my advice is worth taking, I would love to see the second draft.
With all due respect,
Zero Kelvin (Peter)

Hello! I think this is a great idea! But I think you should add more detail. Espscially about Blade's childhood. The story seems to progress a little too fast. Try to slow it down more. Maybe describe the setting more? Try including little flashbacks about his childhood. This way we can learn more about Blade and about his personality.

Overall, I think this is a great story. Just keep working at it to improve and don't give up! I'll be sure to follow "Blade and the curse." Good luck!

Heya! I really like the story so far!
I do agree with some of the past comments, it lacks some of the necessary descriptions, like what the seashell looked like, what the town looked like, also i'm not sure about this but was he the only child in the village? It could be an interesting twist if he was and if he was not then he should have friends his age which could be introduced.

I like how you called the boy Blade. Then not so sure when the blacksmith gave him a sword, isn't he 14? Blade could have at least tried to refuse the weapon, would have made more sense if he had fencing lessons though before -just a thought-
The idea of a cursed town and a chosen child is brilliant, maybe it would have been more effective if we the reader was not aware what the curse was in the town to keep us guessing for a while. I can't wait to see how this story unfolds however!
My overall suggestion would be for the pace to be slowed at the beginning slightly and definitely a fuller description of some of the characters and the bond shared between them and Blade.

Hope that helps!