Day 1: Sanctuary

They run. They don't even feel the weight of their book bags on their backs. Vincent turns around but they are still walking towards them. "Keep running", his backpacking friend Martin yells. Vincent can see the church's bell tower hovering in the blue sky. They both race up the steps leading to the church's courtyard and find the gate closed. "Open the fucking gate!!" Martin continues to yell as Vincent keeps an eye out for the things that are lumbering towards them. The church's wooden double doors open and a policeman races out, making his way across the courtyard to Martin and Vincent. The policeman opens the gate a tiny bit, with Martin and Vincent barely squeezing through the iron fence with their packs on. "Whoa", Martin says as he sees a nickel plated .45 calibre pistol staring back at him. "Were either of you bitten", the policeman ask. Martin and Vincent begin feeling around, showing the policeman their bodies as they rotate 360. "If you had been bitten, you would've turned out like Rodrigo; a deputy", the policeman says as he points to the shade under a tree. Underneath a dying tree, Vincent sees a man bound by metal chains; blood soaked onto his clothes. "I would not advise going to close", the policeman says as he walks back toward the church. "Estan bien!"
"So, what are those things?" Father DeSalvo looks around and tells Martin he doesn't know. "It started a week ago, no one knows how. A man, a gringo like you, strolled into town one day. He slept on the bench in the back of this church and the next morning, he was gone. These people came, panicked, and Deacon Cardenas allowed them sanctuary here. We could not save anymore than what you see. This is all that's left of our town."

As much of a fast-paced story as this is, I have to admit I know little of what's going on. As much as I could gather, two people are running from an unknown enemy. However, I don't know what these monsters look like. There were some grammatical errors. Most of these were misplaced or unneeded commas, but a lot were also places where a new paragraph was needed. You started drawing me in at first, but i started to become confused at who was talking and what was going on. With a little more detail, you could have me drawn in completely. Best of luck with all your writing.
~Fear257

It's a beginning dude, not the whole story. And I wrote this on the fly. Be patient.

Hey there Gemini!

For a beginning, as you say this is, it's quite a good one. Content-wise, I'm intrigued and compelled to read more which is always your aim when writing a story, so good job! The fast pace is great to hook a reader in the beginning as well.

The only issues are format related. Here, we have two very large paragraphs of text that come across as a little daunting to a reader. By cutting it down into several other paragraphs, it is easier to read as well as easier to keep track of what is going on from the standpoint of a reader. Contrary to what is taught in schools about writing essays and the like, in creative writing there doesn't always have to be five-six sentences to a paragraph. Rather, change paragraphs at the change of a thought/action.

For example:

They run. They don't even feel the weight of their book bags on their backs. Vincent turns around but they are still walking towards them.

"Keep running", his backpacking friend Martin yells.

Vincent can see the church's bell tower hovering in the blue sky. They both race up the steps leading to the church's courtyard and find the gate closed.

"Open the fucking gate!!" Martin continues to yell as Vincent keeps an eye out for the things that are lumbering towards them. The church's wooden double doors open and a policeman races out, making his way across the courtyard to Martin and Vincent. The policeman opens the gate a tiny bit, with Martin and Vincent barely squeezing through the iron fence with their packs on. "Whoa", Martin says as he sees a nickel plated .45 calibre pistol staring back at him.

"Were either of you bitten", the policeman ask. Martin and Vincent begin feeling around, showing the policeman their bodies as they rotate 360. "If you had been bitten, you would've turned out like Rodrigo; a deputy", the policeman says as he points to the shade under a tree. Underneath a dying tree, Vincent sees a man bound by metal chains; blood soaked onto his clothes. "I would not advise going to close", the policeman says as he walks back toward the church. "Estan bien!"

The break between the first and last paragraph you've posted breaks from everything before it well. Since there was a new speaker, a new paragraph. Although, one issue is Father DeSalvo appears out of nowhere with no suggestion that such a person was there. Maybe throw in a line or two about him approaching the guys and you'll be good.

The formatting of the dialogue is also a bit of an issue here. To go along with the paragraph thing, you should always always always start a new paragraph when a different person starts speaking. There are also certain ways to punctuate dialogue that are different from regular sentences. You've actually done quite well here, the only thing is that the punctuation at the end of a bit of dialogue goes inside the quotation marks rather than outside.

Well that's all I have to say! Again, content-wise this is quite good. The formatting just needed a bit of work. I'd be interested in seeing what happens next! If you post more, and would like another review, just shoot a PM my way and I'd be glad to.

Keep writing!

-Lauren-