Embrace the Madness (Chapter 1)

Spoiler

-Disclaimer- I do not have schizophrenia, I do not know how they actually think. This is my interpretation of some symptoms-

Grammar mistakes such as sentence structure are made on purpose, as the character does not think logically.

Edit: Yes, next chapter is less her looking back, and more actual dialogue.

When I close my eyes and imagine a person, they’re always either blue or red. Gage is red, because he’s mean to me sometimes. Mommy and Daddy are blue, and Seth is blue too. And Resa’s red, and so is Tommy. Bad people are red, and good people are blue.

When I think about myself, sometimes I’m red, and other times I’m blue. Red, red, blue, red, blue, blue, red.

Tommy says that Resa never hurt my leg, but he’s lying. He’s a liar. That’s why he’s red. Red, red, red.

After I fell off the tree, I heard a girl say “I pushed her down,” and Resa was the only girl there. So Resa pushed me down, but Tommy says I lost my balance.

Tommy’s red, red, red.

I saw a dragon once. It was like a lizard but big, and it was flying in the sky. Gage said: "There was nothing there, not even clouds, you silly little girl."

But it was there, I saw it. I saw the dragon and when Gage didn’t he was lying.

The girls at school said to me that Gage is handsome, and "why doesn’t he have a girlfriend?"

I don’t think he’s handsome though, I think his hair looks too messy and yellow and his eyes look like the water. The water that makes people die when they jump in and they go down and down and never come up.

And he doesn’t have a girlfriend because he doesn’t like girls ‘cause he says they’re crazy like me and Resa.

But I’m not crazy. Mommy says I’m just mad ‘cause Daddy died when he took too much of his crazy person medicine, and I saw the dragon because I use my imagination.

But she’s wrong, there really was a dragon. Seth said maybe there really was, because Gage is mean sometimes.

Seth isn’t my brother like Tommy and Gage. He’s Mommy’s Sister’s son, but Auntie didn’t want to take care of him ‘cause he can’t see.

Tommy’s walking over now. “Are you okay, Emma?” He asks me.

“Yes.” I tell him loudly and quickly.

He doesn’t look happier but he walks away, up the fuzzy red stairs. Red, red, red.

Gage looks at me, because I yelled at Tommy. He gets mean when people yell at Tommy because Tommy’s the youngest (he’s only 12.)

Tommy’s the youngest and after Tommy it’s Me and Resa (We’re 14 and were born on the same day), and Gage and Seth who are both 16. I think Seth looks more handsome than Gage because his eyes are like moss and his hair is more brownish.

Gage looks back to his book, because it makes me mad when people yell.

I don’t like Gage. He shouldn’t be red because he’s not warm like fire, he talks cold like ice but he’s not nice enough to be blue.

But Daddy was nice enough to be blue.

Hey there, just a second, I need to mop up my brain, you just melted it.

Okay, that's much better. I hope you're pleased that my mind is now just a thick liquid substance in an old pickle jar. This now means I will have to switch to my backup means of thought processing, which means I am writing from the heart. Clever right?

Almost as clever as this ridiculously amazing story. This is honestly one of the best stories I've ever read on YWS. I'll get the critique out of the way early, then I'll return to complimenting you!

I saw a dragon once. It was like a lizard but big, and it was flying in the sky. Gage said that there was nothing there, not even clouds, you silly little girl. #FF0000 ">You should probably put his speaking in quotations.

I know you said your grammar would be off because of the character you're taking the roll of, so I excused most of those mistakes, but this one was hard to dismiss because you didn't forget quotations anywhere else. Other than that, you're grammar and spelling are good.

Other than that, the only thing I can really say is that thoughts bounce around a lot in this story, not only away from each other, but back and forth. However, since you gave warning of that in the spoiler, I excused that too!

Okay now for the fun part.

I especially enjoyed this story because of its fast pace. My thoughts travel back and forth at a million miles per hour, just like the character in the story. I'm not saying I'm schizophrenic, my brain is just hyper.

I also loved the casual tone of the story. It was really easy to read and it was almost like listening to a story, which also helps readers keep up with the fast pace, since there is no trouble reading it, and all focus can go on what is actually being said.

Finally, I am pleased with your work in safely taking on the role of a person with schizophrenia. I know someone with it and sort of take it personally when the disorder is made fun of, but you did it a nice way, so it's all good!

Great work, and welcome to YWS by the way, youre off to a great start!

One interpritation of Schizophrenia, I wonder how this is going to go, the first chapter doesn't give much hint to what's about to happen.

The red and Blue thing is good, good person bad person in her world of black and white. Is there going to be other colours or just firmly those two? Either way, it's a good idea.

More dialogue would be nice, her just repeating what they said is going to get old fast, but if they say it, and she reacts to it would be good.

Anyway, I'm waiting for the next chapter.

I like the story. You can kind of tell what the character's personalities are like, and I like the narrating voice. I like how the character refers to people as blue or red, instead of good or bad. There is a grammar mistake in the sentence

I saw a dragon and when Gage didn't he was lying.

Other than that, the story looks great.

My favorite thing about the story was probably how Emma saw people, red or blue. That was the most fascinating on how she kept repeating how much she liked or disliked a person by simply repeating the color she saw them as. The story was pretty fast paced, which I enjoyed. In most novels, the first chapters move excruciatingly slow. We're all guilty of doing that sometime in our writing life, novel writer or not.

I also liked that her thoughts kept moving, but at a fast pace as well. And the fact that she compares Gage and Tommy in such an innocent way without sounding catty, jealous, or lovesick is very amazing.

I couldn't find anything grammatically or punctuation that stood out to bad to NOT be pointed out; i regarded it because of the Spoiler for the schizophrenic main character. All in all, great first chapter! I enjoyed reading it; I am definitely following you after reading this. :]

Keep up the good work!