The Sending of the Angels

Spoiler

This is a part of my (ongoing) fantasy world of Entéa - here you witness the beginning of the creation of the world by the God Cythos.

Cythos: Onto Angels

Angels,
May you guard Entéa of her own demise,
Watch Entéa’s growth with open eyes.
May you shield her waters and her lands
Of the dangers that might come to hand.

Dearests,
Take on board with you these two here beasts,
For you Áur from west, and Núr from East.
(Unto Cythos flew two grandiose birds,
Gold and Black with wings and tails emerged).

They shall be your saviors and your guides,
Over hilltops and through stormy tides.
They shall fly you from the Id’lis’ stream,
To the sands of dunes, the hills of cream.

Darlings,
Do not feel the need to be alone,
Treat this world as if it were your own.
Mingle with her children, though, beware,
Mingle not with men, or else despair!

Sweethearts,
Should you choose to do my dictum ill,
I say, be prepared for Cythos’ shrill!
If you dare to test your wicked luck,
One by one your feathers I shall pluck!

Lovelies,
Be you gone and guard this beauteous world!
Help it spring and sprout, let it uncurl!

(And one by one, just like a river’s flow,
The Angels swirled onto the lands below.)

Well now. I really like this. I like your wordings and your sentence structures :] Very poetic and calm and to-the-point. Just one thing--it's such a somber, "hard" poem, you might want to change "sweethearts" and "darlings" to something else. Just my opinion. :] To match the rest of the solemnity.
But I really like it. So much that I'm going to read it again now xD And that doesn't happen all the time. Good job.

And I hope you post the rest of the story/poem or whatever this is a beginning of anticipating!!!!

Thanks for the review! I appreciate it a lot!

Hi there!

So, maybe it's because I've never read your story, but this poem just didn't do much for me. It felt like something I would read in a WoW fanfic. Maybe that is sort of the point; as this is based off a fantasy world, but the references to things like a Cythos and the middle-English feel of the language just didn't sit well with me.

Now; here's why. First, the rhyming was very simplistic.

They shall be your saviors and your guides,
Over hilltops and through stormy tides.
They shall fly you from the Id’lis’ stream,
To the sands of dunes, the hills of cream.

Guide, tide, stream, cream. These are all fist-grade vocabulary- 'cream' doesn't even make sense. The way you're set up the poem, with the AABBCC scheme makes it feel a lot more elementary than it is. You've created a whole world- give it a little most credit and make this poem shine with a good, solid rhyme scheme.

Now, don't get me wrong. This poem is an excellent start. You have some lovely language and you're very good at incorporating detail. You poem itself, in its essence, is not elementary- it's just the way you've presented it.

If you want to make a truly meaningful poem about your world, draw us in. Show us, don't tell us about the horrors and dangers and lovely things. Make us want to be there- or make us want to run from it. Show us around, bring us in, and make us feel at home. Once you've conveyed the true nature of your world in this poem, you'll have a lovely piece of work.

Keep writing!

-Tori

I like it, but too tell you the truth I don't love it, it is open and deep and I like that about it. I don't like how you say angel a little to much. Don't stop writing just because somebody dont like it though. You do have talent and as I said it's good just not great.

I found this very professional.