Water Under The Bridge Chapter Ten: Ryan

Ryan—October 17
It’s 7:21 according to every freaking clock in the house…the bus comes at 7:18. I really hope it’s running slow.
“What are you and your friends doing for Halloween?” My mom asks, sliding a granola bar across the counter. “Eat that.”
I catch it and stuff it in my backpack, along with my chemistry book and my phone. “I’m late.” I say shortly. “Bye. Love you!” And I dash out the door. The bus is already at my corner.
“Thanks.” I gasp, stumbling up the steps. The driver nods and I collapse into a seat, dragging my backpack into my lap. Halloween is the last thing on my mind. I have a huge chem. test today and I don’t get half of it. I balance my notebook on my knees, trying to cram. But I don’t think an hour of mindless page turning will make up for six weeks of confusion. Oh, shit. Shit shit shit. I have an English quiz today and I haven’t read the chapter.
With a heavy sigh, I pull a wrinkled copy of Alice and Wonderland out of my bag. Screw chem. I’m gonna fail anyways. I’ll just read this. The writing draws me in. I already read this book in seventh grade but it doesn’t bother me to read it again. It’s funny and magical. My class laughs everyday about how Lewis Carroll was probably high when he wrote it. By time I finish the chapter, the bus is pulling up to the curb and I’m ready for at least part of school.
Logan and Anna catch up to me, both of them freaking out about chem. test. We agree in hoping Mrs. Johnson has a sub.
Halfway through my test, while I’m desperately trying to remember chemical equations, the only fact I didn’t need hits me: Anna’s birthday is in six days and I haven’t gotten her anything. What do I get her? Necklace, bracelet, stuffed animal, a book—oh, yeah. We’re not dating. I’ll get her a card.
“Hey,” Anna greets me after. I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. “How’d it go?”
“My grade went from the toilet to the sewer.” I answer flatly, stuffing my hands into my jeans pockets.
“Eh, sorry,” she hisses sympathetically. “I think I probably got a B.”
I nod. “Yeah…I hate that class.”
“Don’t worry, you’ll never have to deal with it after June. Now we know you’re not gonna be a chemist.”
I manage a smile, as we turn the corner to Mr. Blessing’s AP Lit. “Hey, random question.” I say.
“Hey, even more random answer.” She shoots back, her bouncy steps leading her into the classroom.
“So have we had English together for like, ever?”
She smiles. “Seems like forever, but just eighth and ninth grade, and this year. You know the first class we had together though?”
“We never had a class together before that year…except like elementary school maybe.”
“Not what I was thinking. But yeah, you were in my second grade class.” She sits down and lays her binder on her desk.
“Really?” I cock my head. ”I was? With Mrs. Nance? How do you remember that far back?”
“Some of us have brains,” She teases, as I plop into the seat next to her. “I remember stuff from when I was like four.”
“Legit? Like what?”
She shrugs. “I remember Mollie taught me to play Hearts when I was in kindergarten. And…I remember being in the hospital in first grade. And bits and pieces of my fifth birthday party.”
“Wow. That is a good memory. Do you remember why you were in the hospital?” Should I have asked that?
She laughs slightly, which surprises me. “I don’t have to,” She shakes her head. “It’s in my medical history every freaking time I go to the doctor. Severe asthma attack, 79% oxygen saturation, 101 temp, slight middle ear infection in the left ear.”
“Wow…” I never really know what to say when she talks about that kind of thing. Her health—her childhood, really—is the only thing we talk about I can’t relate to. I’ve only been in the hospital for broken bones and stitches. My worst sports injury was a broken collarbone and a sprained ankle in the sixth grade. I don’t know what it’s like to be stuck with a needle or labeled “sick kid”. Anna does.
She colors and her indigo gaze falls to the floor. “Sorry,” she mumbles. “I know it’s weird to talk about.”
“No,” I touch her arm, as the bell rings. “It’s just different. Not awkward or bad…just new territory for me. I find it interesting.”
She smiles and whispers “Thanks”. Her thick hair falls like a curtain over her face as she ducks over her notebook. Mr. Blessing starts class; Anna draws little hearts she doesn’t think I can see. My heart is going crazy…I think I know what she’s getting for her birthday. T-minus six days to swallow some major nerves.

Congratulations! You're my third review for review day. Correct, it does seem pretty late and just three: that's dispicable, but you can't blame me, I've been out of the house all day! If you want to blame anyone, blame my Mum!

(Apple here by the way.)

I don't really know what to make of this. I find that your characters are different, and they don't vary on the same tangent line which is really good as this is a common problem. It means that you've thought about their personalities and historys to make them different, but something to me just didn't click.

Your tense, firstly. You skip backwards and forwards from present to past. Don't worry, I do the same thing. It annoys my english teachers to the devil's pits and back, but what can you do? I'll tell you! Since I've been trying to perfect that terrible habit for ages now: stop and think. Make sure you decide which tense you're going to work with, and once you've discovered write it out and read it aloud. If everything fits continue on typing and read aloud till you fall into silence, and your work carries itself. Sometimes you'll get carried away and start switching through tenses again though that is easily fixed when you're going over your rought draft. It does take some time but you'll be thanking yourself afterwards.

The other problem I thought needed to be attended to was that you tend to skip through your story like when a person tosses a smooth stone over water. You jump from the bus ride to the school, and then from the school, which then becomes the chemistry exam. Not something as a reader that I find easy to take in. You've got to slow down. You have to make sure that you're in the zone and let it all just flow from your brain and into your fingers. Pause. Breathe. Don't skip from this action to another action without any explanation or warning; make sure you bring it on so that the reader is aware that your MC is walking into the test room and to his doom. It will make it easier for the reader to keep up with you and imagine the scene taking place. If a reader can't imagine a scene then they're not going to sink in the important information, and therefore it's like they're skipping chunks of your story. Not good.

Also, the interaction between the characters. I did say before that they were different and unique but I found that the way Ryan and Anna spoke to each other lacked emotion and depth. It seemed that you just drew a conversation out of your hat and dropped it down onto the page without a second thought. Read over what you've written. Does that seem to have any emotion what so ever? Sure the remembering thing was cool, and Ryan did react when Anna told him about her time in hospital though I don't feel like it was enough to fully absorb me. Place yourself into each other their shoes and play out the conversation in your head. What you see in your imagination should be recounted into your story. Sure it's a lengthy process though it definitely helps improving the emotion in your dialouge. If someone told me that they spent some time in hospital for an asthma attack, I'd go all quiet then crack a joke to lighten the mood. Or if I was in a different situation I'd recount a time I went to hospital, and then quickly change the subject. You understand what I mean? Just use yourself as the spokesman and let the emotion run from you and into your story. At first it may be gut wrenching though it does get easier.

Other then that I thought there were no problems. I don't do grammar/ spelling reviews anymore, though I will warn you that there are some mistakes in this chapter. The reason I don't is because I feel that the writer doesn't learn if I just point out that a commar should be in one place or that that extra fullstop should be removed. There are some forums that really help improve grammar; they did for me and they should do the same for you. Again, I really did like this. Your title drew me in like insects to light, and I was interested from the start to the end. You just need to add in a few tweaks that will make this all the more better.

-Good Luck.

Well I probably wont write as much as Apple did, but I agree with her. Try this; sit down and read what you have writen. then read it again and type in it as you go to try and make it more even like an actuall school day. Throw some of those chemisrty question in there, and more panic. This is a good start. I have a few pieces like this as well, and after a month or so I go back and fix them. You have a good start. Keep writing!