Interesting use of vocabulary. However, for a minor improvement you could consider how your piece flows. Personally for me, I think your poem suffers a little from the frequent short lines, and for me (feel free to hate me for this) I found that the actual meaning has left me a tiny bit confused. It was nice and descriptive, but I wasn't really sure if it had a story to it or not. But, other than that, a good poem. Keep up the good work (that should be my catchphrase from now on lol).
I do agree with 567ajt about the abruptness of certain lines. In general, I think the poem is wonderful - reflective, emotional, spiritually fascinating at times and extremely well-constructed. The flow is slightly disturbed at times, however, which creates the feeling that your train of thought is stopping and starting; perhaps that's by design, but you could consider changing certain line lengths. Don't touch the vocabulary, or the wording - I don't think I'd forgive you.
Being children of a cruel reality, we fall prey to the greater powers. To envy. To madness. Betrayal. Love. And yet without these things, we cannot remain human. Without these things, we are nothing. But it is the greatest sacrifice. To envy. To be mad. To betray. To love. To be human.
wow! your vocabulary is simply amazing - it paints such a vivid picture, I was totally hooked! I love your writing and though I agree a little with the people above (about the different lengths of lines etc.) I have to say I absolutely love it!
And I didn't exactly understand completely what the poem was about (i guess it could be interpreted in many different ways?) I still loved the imagery and you've conveyed so vividly and tangibly the sadness and almost depression in the story, it's amazing and I love it!
...we're only good for the latest trends...
I walk on wounds that seldom prove to slow me down
'Writing is a cop-out. An excuse to live perpetually in fantasy land, where you can create, direct and watch the products of your own head. Very selfish.' ~ Monica Dickens
I think that this poem was simply beautiful. You were able to make it so vivid with your words, i could actually see that little baby. The only problem I had was that until the end I didn't exactly know what it was about, but where you got to the baby everything fell into place.
